What
is domestic violence? It
may involve pushing, kicking, slapping, or punching. Forced
sex, name calling, intimidation, humiliation, possessiveness,
and emotional withdrawal are also forms abuse may take.
Who are the people who are in battering relationships?
Anyone. They could be your roommate, friend, co-worker,
a student, or family member. They can be of any culture,
class, sexual orientation, religion or age.
Ask yourself some questions.
• How do you know this person who is in an abusive
relationship?
• How do you already support your friend? How could
you continue this support?
• What kinds of resources does this person already
have to draw on?
(physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, legal, etc.)
• What kind of support do YOU have for yourself?
Consider the challenges your friend, family
member, or co-worker might be facing.
• Feelings of fear and isolation
• No place to go
• Children
• Financial limitations
• Embarrassment and shame
• False hopes and promises from the batterer/abuser
• Family and peer pressure to stay
Think about how you can provide comfort and relief.
Listen and be available. But remember your friend is the
one who needs to find the answers. It's important that you
don't try to solve the problems or make the important decisions.
An abused person has lost control and power and needs to
regain it. It doesn't help if you become impatient, interfere
with the recovery process, or take over. But you can help.
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•
Help your friend identify the abuse for what it is
(explain what you learned about the "cycle
of violence")
• Help your friend get organized, i.e., make lists
and prioritize needs
• Check in to see that your friend is taking care
of personal needs
• Provide lists of safe places to go (shelters,
family, etc.)
(see Project SURVIVE resource
links)
• Provide resources for legal, emotional, and economic
support
(see Project SURVIVE resource
links)
• Offer safe touch (physical comfort and contact)
• Encourage your friend to develop other friendships
in addition to yours
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Rent
a video about abusive relationships; watch and discuss
it with your friend.
What's Love Got to Do With It
Dolores Claiborne
The Burning Bed
Sleeping with the Enemy
Once We Were Warriors
Buy or borrow a book that offers options
for getting out of an abusive relationship, and share
it with your friend. Most of these books are available
in the City College Women's Resource Center Library (SH
104; 239-3112). They primarily
address female victims of battery.
Ginny NiCarthy. Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and
Take Back Your Life.
Ginny NiCarthy. You Can Be Free (an abridged version
of Getting Free)
Barrie Levy, ed. Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger
Kerry Lobel, ed. Naming the Violence: Speaking Out
About Lesbian Battering
Claire M. Renzetti and Charles Harvey Miley (eds.)Violence in Gay and Lesbian
Domestic Partnerships
Lenore Walker. The Battered Woman
Evelyn C. White. Chain Chain Change: For Black Women
Dealing with Physical and Emotional Abuse
Myrna Zambrano. Mejor Sola Que Mal Accompañada:
For the Latina in an Abusive Relationship/Para la
Mujer Golpeda
For men who want to stop battering:
Paul Kivel. Men's Work
Daniel Sonkin & Michael Durphy. Learning to Live without
Violence: A Handbook for Men
Be careful
•
Many times we can get drawn into the drama in a friend's
life and forget to take care of our own. Make sure you
have your own support system.
• If you take over and try to control the situation,
it might look like you're helping, but you're actually
causing more harm. In the end, you will burn-out anyway
and resent your friend. Make sure you know the difference
between support and "fixing."
• Your friend's partner may see you as a troublemaker
and begin directing anger at you. Make sure you have provided
for your own safety.
• Your friend may not identify the situation as battery
and may feel embarrassed or even threatened by your concern.
Be patient. Remember the batterer will probably offer
your friend false hope and promises, which you cannot
supply. Be consistent and steady with your support, even
if your friend becomes defensive or angry. Listen more.
Talk less. If you believe your friend is in immediate
physical danger, discuss available safety options.
This diagram reflects the way many victims experience
The Cycle of Violence in their relationship.
Not all abusive and violent relationships look like this.
Some victims say they hardly remember a honeymoon or hearts
and flowers stage. Others say the cycle feels more "up-and-down"
or "back-and-forth" rather than cyclical.
No matter how your friend describes the cycle, remember
that it is difficult to escape from, so be patient as
she or he finds a way out.
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Anyone
can find themselves trapped in the cycle of violence. There
is often little or no warning early in a relationship
that the person will turn out to be a batterer. But once
the cycle has started, it doesn't stop until one person
leaves the relationship. If you recognize this cycle
as your own relationship, get help now!
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