Why Do Victims Stay in Abusive and Unhealthy Relationships?

First, it must be said that we also need to ask the larger questions "why do people batter?" and "why do we allow battering to continue in our society?" Next, we need to recognize that many people do leave or make attempts to leave a battering relationship. Leaving is not always an event; it is a process. People sometimes make 3-4 attempts to leave before they leave for good. It is important to understand that there are many reasons why victims stay in battering relationships. Some of them are listed below:

Society's Attitudes: When the dominant culture minimizes or ignores violence, it is harder for the person being battered to identify what is happening early on. Phrases like "it's just a lover's quarrel," "everyone has hard times," or "you just like to create drama" minimize very real acts of violence. Also, the media glamorizes jealousy as a sign of love.

Fear: People fear being alone, being on their own, taking care of children alone. They also are afraid of being killed if they attempt to leave; given their past violence, batterers' threats need to be taken seriously.

Economic Dependence: The person may be dependent on the batterer for financial support.

Parenting Concerns: The person wants a father (or co-parent) for her/his children.

Religious Pressure: Religious institutions may pressure families to stay together. If the couple is married, the victim may not see divorce as an option due to religious beliefs.

Family Pressures: The extended family pressures the victim to keep the family together.

Denial: Victims tell themselves that it's really not so bad.

Low Self-esteem: Victims blame themselves, thinking they deserve the abuse, that they can't find anyone better, and that a little love is better than no love at all. They experience these feelings because they have low self-esteem. They may have entered the relationship this way, OR if the abuse has been on-going, their original healthy self-esteem has now been damaged.

Guilt and Self-Blame: The batterer claims the relationship problems are the victim's fault.

Social Status: If the abuser has high status in the community, his/her partner does not want to lose benefits that come from being connected to a high status mate.

Sexual/Gender Status: If the victim is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender and not out, he/she may fear being outed by his/her partner.

Immigrant Status: If the victim is an illegal immigrant, he/she may fear deportation.

Love: Often the batterer is quite loving and lovable when not being abusive. Also, he/she offers the victim a "honeymoon" cycle, complete with gifts, promises, and apologies.

Rescue: Victims think they can help batterers change if they stay with them.

Shame and Embarrassment: Victims don't want anyone to know they are being battered.

Patterns of abuse: People who grew up in violent families don't realize nonviolent relationships are possible.

Sex Roles: Some women believe all men are violent. They also believe it's the woman's responsibility to keep the relationship together.