If you don't use it, do you lose it?

We're not sure exactly what you are referring to here, but it may be our mention of Student Mental Health Services. Each semester you are entitled to 6-8 free therapy sessions. Please call us at 239-3899 if this is not the subject of your question.

Do some girls like being overpowered? 

No one likes to be forced into having sex. There are, however, sadomasochistic sex games that some people engage in. The two partners agree on a plan. They may use handcuffs or other restraints. They also agree on a safe word, such as "blue" so that if the play becomes too rough, the partner being restrained or otherwise "hurt" can be released. Some women say they like men to take the lead, but many women prefer equality in their relationships with men or with women.

August 31, 2006; 11:00 a.m.-noon

How do you reassure someone who has been in an abusive relationship that you would not do the same or be the same as the abusive partner?

This is a difficult situation. Trust can only build over time. You will need to be patient with your partner. You may find some help from the book Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis (HarperCollins, 1991). Your partner may be interested in The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life after Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines (Cleis Press, 1999). Even though these books deal with survivors of childhood sexual abuse, you may find them helpful. Each book looks at buried wounds and how to overcome them to reach healthy sexuality. Your partner may also be interested in Getting Free:You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life by Ginny NiCarthy (Seal Press, 2004). There is a chapter in that book that addresses how to establish a healthy relationship after being in an abusive one.

August 31, 2006; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m.

What if a person has been in an abusive relationship but does not feel comfortable going to one of those centers?

If a person does not feel comfortable going to one of those centers, she/he can get some very good information from a book that we highly recommend: Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy. There is a copy of it at the Women's Resource Center in Smith Hall 103. The author takes the abused person through all of the steps that she/he will need to leave an abusive relationship. The author also gives advice to the person who is not yet ready to leave the relationship. This book can do the job of a support center if the reader is willing to read it carefully and work through each chapter step by step.

September 15, 2006; 9:00-10:00 a.m.

A couple is about to have sex, so the guy starts to enter her. She says NO, but all of a sudden she continues. She says NO and just gives in. Is that considered rape because she gives in? 

If the woman gives in out of fear of being hurt, it is definitely rape. If she gives in and gives consent because she is worn down by the manipulation, it may not legally be rape, but it is a very bad sexual experience and will NOT contribute to a healthy relationship.

What do you do when you leave the abusive person and they still come to your home and verbally abuse you?

Depending on how severe the abuse was, you may be able to get a restraining order so that if the person comes to your house, you can call the police who will arrest the abuser. Call the Cooperative Restraining Order Clinic at 415-864-1790. Beyond this, it is difficult to answer the question without more information. Do you and the abuser share children? Does the abuser have visiting rights? If so, you may consider going to court to change the terms of the visits. If this is not the case, start by not letting the person in your home. Consider changing your phone number(s). Finally, if the person does not stop harassing you, you may be able to get help from the California stalking ordinance. We can give you an explanatory packet in the Project SURVIVE office. Call us at 239-3899 to make an appointment, and we will prepare it for you.

How do you feel about a person who teaches about rape? 

We are not completely sure what you mean by this question. We believe that people who teach how to prevent rape are doing a great community service. They are helping others to reduce their chances of getting raped, and if people in the audience have been raped or are raped in the future, the information the educators give can help the survivors heal more easily.

How do we survive after we get raped?

Luckily, in San Francisco there are places people can go to get support after they have been raped: San Francisco Women against Rape and the San Francisco Rape Treatment Center are two of them. There are others on the green resource sheet we handed out in the presentation. The SF Rape Treatment Center provides medical treatment and psychological counseling for individuals, groups, couples and families. Friends and families of rape survivors also need support. People do heal from rape and go on to have happy healthy lives. It takes time, but survivors move through the healing process and become stronger, regaining their former confidence and pleasure in life.

If a child has lived through domestic violence, is he/she more likely to become violent?

If a child has lived through domestic violence and is male, he is more likely to become violent; if female, she is more likely to become a victim. However, it's important to know that many who witness domestic violence as children learn how to break the cycle and grow up to be neither perpetrators nor victims. Counseling helps, and if they have children, parenting classes, offered by City College, are also a good idea.

October 19, 2006; 8:00-9:30 a.m.

What if you are in the heat of the moment and the girl starts to say NO because she has a boyfriend, but her body movements say YES. She never said YES, but sex did occur. Is that rape or not?

What you describe could be rape. It's important to talk to your partner to find out if the NO has turned into a YES. A person can be turned on yet not want to continue for various reasons.

I think I experienced a situation where my ex-boyfriend raped me, what should I do for myself or him?

For you we recommend calling San Francisco Women against Rape or San Francisco Rape Treatment Center for counseling. You may want to report the rape to the police. You may also want to make sure that your ex-boyfriend stays away from you and that he knows exactly why you want him to stay away.

October 19, 2006; 8:00-9:30 a.m.

What suggestions do you have to deal with a friend who is completely involved with his girlfriend so much that he has totally ignored his friends despite all the times his friends tried talking to him about it?

If he is at the very beginning of the relationship, that kind of total involvement may be normal, but if it continues, it may be an unhealthy sign. Try to be consistent and constant and patient. Don't give up on him. Keep calling him and continue to invite him to go out with you. Don't abandon him. Help prevent him from becoming isolated.

What do you do if you were sexually harassed in jail, mentally abused by non-gay cops over the phone while in protective care?

You may want to call the Office of Citizens Complaints to report the abuse. The number is 597-7711.

What percentage of Latin girls are raped in California?

Women from all cultures experience rape, usually perpetrated by someone they know. About 25% of all women have experienced a rape or an attempted rape.

What if I know two people who I think got married drunk? They have two children and argue all the time. Is there any information I should give them?

One of the partners may be the primary abuser, and the other the secondary abuser, meaning that he or she is responding to the abuse in an unhealthy way. If you think this is what is happening, please call our office for a specific hand-out that can identify the problem. Ask for the hand-out on primary/secondary aggression. Call us at 239-3899. If there is not abuse, then couples counseling may help them. If one or both have alcohol problems, a recovery program may also help the relationship and the lives of the children.

If a person has been abused by someone they know and feels there is no way out of it and then kills the abuser, how would that end up in legal terms?

In 1992, California passed a law that allows battered woman syndrome as a defense for murder. Many women, however, are serving long years in prison for killing their batterers. Although we don't advocate murdering an abuser, we do advocate sympathy for someone who believes they will die at the hands of their abuser if that person remains alive.

I feel that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, but I think I'm the one making it the way it is. It's hard to let go of it, however.

You may not be the primary abuser; you may be the secondary abuser responding to abuse. Either way, counseling can help build back your self-esteem so that you can see more clearly how much of the unhealthiness in the relationship is your responsibility. When you feel more self-confident, you may be able to walk away from this relationship that is causing unhappiness. Your new sense of confidence and security will keep you from hurting others and hurting yourself. Call the Student Health Center. You can visit them eight times for free; after that, they will refer you to another counseling if you need additional help.

October 19, 2006; 11:00-12:30 a.m.

How can men be raped or experience sexual harassment? 

Most male rape victims are raped by another man; however, a man can be anally raped by a woman using an object. A man can also get an erection out of fear.

If someone who you have been going out with for a long time persuades you to have sex, is that rape if you're in the act of sex and want to stop?

It is definitely not a healthy situation, but it is legally rape only in the following situations:
--you actually told the person to stop and he/she did not
--you were too drunk, stoned, or high to say YES or NO
--you were afraid your partner would hurt you if you said NO
--Even if it does not fall into the category of legal rape, it may feel like a violation and be very damaging to the relationship. The persuasion sounds more like manipulation.

Can a person rape others due to a chemical imbalance?

We don't believe that chemical imbalances cause most rapes. We believe people rape other people because they feel insecure and abuse their power if they are rejected, angry, and/or frustrated. Political systems and social conditioning allow people with power over other people to abuse that power. In rare instances (less than 1 %) a rapist may have frontal lobe damage which could cause an impulse control problem. In general, however, people who rape make a choice to abuse their power.

What should you do if you've been having sex for a long time but never orgasm?

One of the best ways to experience orgasm is to know your body. Masturbation can help you find out what gives you pleasure. In women the clitoris is the place that is most sensitive. You may find books that can help you understand your body better at Good Vibrations located at 603 Valencia Street, near 17th Street.

What are the success rates of relationships that have been abusive and have gone through counseling?

Unfortunately, we don't have good statistics about those success rates. We do know that often the couple needs to split up even if they both get counseling because they have experienced a pattern of abuse. It is easier for each of them to stop the cycle of abuser/abused in their next relationship. Also, sometimes people who batter who get counseling may stop battering but continue to verbally abuse their partners. Verbal abuse is also damaging.

Is it okay to go out with someone really older than you are? Let's say you are 15 and your partner is 21 or 22?

Even if the 15-year-old consents to the sex, the older person could be charged with statutory rape, which carries a felony charge. Also, sometimes someone who is so much older may be manipulating the younger person and abusing his/her power. Six years age difference at 15 is a big deal. That same age difference when the younger person reaches 22 or 23 no longer matters that much. Think about the six years between a 5-year-old and an 11-year-old. It's huge. The older we get, the less age differences matter, but they still matter a lot when we are teen-agers. On the other hand, some 15-year-olds are very mature and can match the power of a 21-year-old.

What are some ways to get involved with volunteering with suicide prevention or domestic violence hotlines or offices?

All of those agencies have volunteer training programs that range from 40-60 hours. Call them up and offer your help. They will be glad to train you, and you can help save lives.

Why do people beat and rape others? 

The answer to this question is complicated. We believe that people hurt other people because they are hurting inside. They don't want to face their own pain, so they inflict it on others. They try to get it out of their own mind and body and put it into someone else's mind and body. It doesn't help, of course, so they do it again. There are larger political and social issues that cause people to beat and rape other people. We have a class at City College of San Francisco called The Politics of Sexual Violence where we discuss those issues. You can take classes at the college when you are juniors and seniors. The class is offered in the spring from 4-7 p.m. so that high school students can enroll in it. You receive high school and college credits. Call 239-3899 if you are interested.

Why sometimes when people get raped they change like maybe they become bisexual?

Many people are bisexual or gay or lesbian who have not been raped. They like having sex with people of the same gender. There are many different kinds of sexual expression, and all of them are good as long as no one is getting hurt. Sometimes if a woman is raped by a man, she doesn't want to have sex with men, but she enjoys sex with women. It's good that she has found a way to enjoy sex. It may be that even if she had not been raped by a man that she would have decided she was lesbian or bisexual eventually.

November 3, 2006; Fourth Period (John O'Connell High School)

Why do people think that people don't care about them because they were raped?

Unfortunately, there is some prejudice against people who have been raped because lots of people do not understand that it is never the victim's fault. They like to blame the victim because they think that the victim must have done something wrong. They don't want to be raped themselves, so they tell themselves that they wouldn't do anything wrong that would end up with their getting raped. The truth is that rape is always the fault of the rapist. No matter what the victim was doing or wearing, she/he does not deserve to be raped. We should give victim/survivors our care and compassion, which will make it a lot easier for them to heal. But many people are afraid and don't know how to help someone who is hurting.

Even if there isn't any intercourse, is it still considered rape? Say that they just touched you and you didn't want them to.

Legally, rape involves forced vaginal or anal penetration or forced oral copulation. Unwanted touching may be classified as sexual battery. Unwanted touching is not okay even if it doesn't constitute rape.

What do you think is the best format for accountability?
Press charges
Suggest counseling
Get a restraining order
Completely walk away from the trauma

All of these suggestions are good. Counseling and leaving the trauma are essential to good health and safety. Going the legal route of pressing charges and/or getting a restraining order may be useful, but there are limits to the law. In some communities police brutality can be a problem. Also, a restraining order may not keep an abuser away. The victim must put together a safety plan so she/he can escape without harm. Please note: the law has changed so that if police see evidence of physical violence, whether or not the victim presses charges, the police will keep the charges active.

November 4, 2006; 10:00-11:30 a.m.  

I am scared of my boyfriend hitting/slapping me. We've been together for five years and during that period I cheated on him. It's been over two years since then, but he still can't forgive me and calls me names all the time. What should I do?

You are experiencing serious verbal abuse that could lead to physical abuse. Even if it never becomes physical, the verbal abuse is damaging you. We recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. After you read it, you will know that you need to get help. We recommend individual counseling for you or group counseling at one of the shelters such as La Casa de las Madres. They help women who are experiencing physical and/or verbal abuse. After reading the book and attending the support group, you will know what to do.

November 7, 2006; 8:00-9:30 a.m.

Where can I get condoms at school?

You can get free condoms in Cloud Hall 405. Take the stairway above the Nursing department on the third floor to the fourth floor mezzanine. That is where Cloud 405 is located.

If a male forces a female to do things to herself like insert things, could that be considered rape since she's told the male NO?

Yes those circumstances could definitely be considered rape.

November 7, 2006; 9:30-11:00 a.m.

Is it true that if your boyfriend hits you once or twice he can't change even if he shows actions of trying to change his behavior? For example he starts to walk away when he gets angry instead of continuing to argue.

It is possible for someone to change; however, if he does not get help from a support group or a counselor, it is unlikely that he can sustain that change. Walking away or taking a time-out is healthy behavior as long as he does not leave in anger, slamming the door, etc. Also, even if the physical abuse stops, he may begin to use verbal abuse. An excellent book that helps you figure out if you are experiencing verbal abuse is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

November 7, 2006: 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.

If you try to help your friend out of a domestic violence situation and she refuses, should you take the next step yourself? 

Unfortunately, you need to let your friend do this at her own pace. If you take steps for her, you are reinforcing the idea that she is not capable, which her abuser has brainwashed her to believe. Give her options, support, compassion, but don't take over. Please refer to our blue hand-out "How to Help a Friend in an Abusive or Unhealthy Relationship."

Is it okay for men to be strong sometimes and sometimes sensitive instead of playing the role of the man always being strong and the woman always being sensitive? 

Being strong does not mean a person is not sensitive and vice versa. It's good for both men and women to be both strong and sensitive. A strong person is in touch with his/her feelings and can express them freely. We need to redefine what strength is. A strong, sensitive person knows how to move forward in the world, expressing feelings but not getting stuck in them. All of us can be strong AND sensitive.

What should I do if I dislike the things that my husband loves to do? For instance, he likes to spend hours chatting on line? 

You can try to talk to your husband about your concern, Perhaps his chatting on line is not the real problem. Instead what bothers you is that he doesn't spend time talking to you. If you identify the problem, then it's easier to talk to him about it. In the meantime, make sure you develop your own interests so that you don't become bored.

Can a man change after being in jail for domestic violence? Is it possible to give him a second chance?

He cannot change unless he has gotten support group counseling. If not, a second chance is unwise.

I play with my boyfriend and call him names. Is that abuse? 

It's hard to answer that question. Be careful of any kind of name-calling. Even if it's done with affection, it can hurt the other person's feelings. Ask him how he feels, and really listen to what his says. Is he being honest with you? Is he hiding his hurt from you?

I was in a long abusive relationship for three years. I recently got in a healthy relationship and often find myself expecting abuse to begin. How can I let that feeling go? Are there couples groups that I can attend with my boyfriend?

A good book to read to help let your fear go is Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy. She has a chapter on starting a new relationship after you have been abused. Regarding couples groups, make an appointment with a counselor at the Student Health Center, and they can give your referrals to couples groups.

What are the statistics on abuse nowadays? Are cases going up or down or staying even? The numbers of support services seem to be increasing. Are there Project SURVIVEs throughout the United States? 

As far as we can tell, domestic violence is not increasing, but more people are identifying it and reporting it, and support services are increasing to meet the reports. We have enclosed a packet on statistics for you.
There are many programs similar to Project SURVIVE in four-year colleges and universities. When we started twelve years ago, there were few programs like ours at community colleges, but they are now growing as well.

This guy has been trying to be my boyfriend since a while back, but lately all we do is argue over anything. I don't know if I should keep going with this.

It sounds like a relationship between the two of you would not work. You don't seem compatible with each other. Just because he's interested in you does not mean you have to be interested in him. Tell him a good relationship needs to be built on common interests and shared values. If you are arguing all of the time, you probably don't have those compatibilities.

Do you guys ever offer the option or resource of faith? Do you communicate the idea that having a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ can help protect you from rape or domestic violence? Many of the issues people face in relationships can be resolved or made better if the people understood how to know how God could help heal.

Faith and spirituality are definitely sources of healing; however, some ministers tell women who are being battered that they must learn to accept their lot. We don't agree with that kind of advice.

Is it wrong if as a child you were sexually abused and not told that it was wrong and you do the act you were taught to someone else? The child was 9 years old, and the abuser was 30. When the child turned 10, he/she did the same act to a seven-year-old.

If the seven-year-old did not participate voluntarily, then the act is a form of abuse. It's much harder to lay blame on a child who has been sexually abused than it is to lay blame on the 30-year-old, however. Most likely the 30-year-old was also abused as a child, but once we become adults we are responsible for our actions. Nevertheless, if the behavior was unwanted by the younger child, then the older child is accountable. The best resource is CASARC (Child and Adolescent Sexual Abuse and Resource Center). The number is on the green resource sheet we passed out. It is also on our website (ccsf.edu/psurvive).

How can you make a good long-term relationship?

This is a complicated question. We refer you to the gold hand-out that discusses non-violent and mature relationships. If you no longer have it, you can find it on our website (www.ccsf.edu/psurvive). If you did not experience a healthy relationship while you were growing up, you may want to look at books on assertive behavior. Usually relationships deteriorate when one partner is passive and the other is aggressive. Both positions come from insecurity. Look at the book on the blue hand-out called Your Perfect Right (How to Help a Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship), and/or sign up for Psychology 15: Assertive Behavior. Assertive behavior is healthy behavior. When both partners practice it, relationships can improve. If only one person in the relationship uses it, however, that will not cure the problems of the relationship. That person needs to find someone who will respond to assertive behavior.

If you have a history of sexual abuse and you told your parent what happened and a reaction comes toward that person, what is the next step I should take? When it seems like nothing has happened with her child and her partner, can I sue him later in life?

We're not completely clear about your question. It is possible to charge someone with sexual abuse years after it took place if the victim was a minor when the abuse occurred. Start first by seeing a therapist at the Student Health Center at City College who can refer you to proper psychological and legal counseling. That service is free for City College students. The Health Center is located at Phelan and Judson.

What are the statistics of women being violent toward men? 

According to the Bureau of Justice and the American Medical Association over 90% of serious domestic violence is done by men to women. The reason for this is that in our culture men have been given more power, and if a person is insecure AND has power, he (or she) is likely to abuse it. Women are more violent toward children than they are toward men.

How can you get an abuser an intervention to get help?

This is not easy. Like any intervention you would need at least two other people to support you and to be clear that the victim is not at fault. Abusers are very manipulative, and in an intervention he/she could try to throw blame on the victim by saying that they are both abusive and that the victim does not see what she/he does. Be very careful of that kind of manipulation. If the victim HAS participated in secondary abuse, she/he needs to admit it AND be clear that this does NOT excuse the abuser's behavior. If the abuser is a man, there are groups at Man Alive, AVACA, and Pocovi. WOMAN, Inc. can help female abusers. All of these numbers are on our green resource sheet and on our website (ccsf.edu/psurvive). Good luck.

Is there any way of stopping the cycle of violence without counseling if your partner is willing and you identify the problem between the both of you?

It is very difficult for an abuser to stop violence without counseling. The victim can get help in building back self-esteem by using Ginny NiCarthy's books Getting Free and You Can Be Free. Unfortunately, abusive behavior cannot be unlearned by reading a book. There is a class at City College, Psychology 15, Assertive Behavior, that MAY help the abuser. Many people take the class because they are tired of being violated, but the class can also help people with aggressive behavior, the people who do the violating. Both passive and aggressive behavior stem from insecurity. Assertive behavior is possible only when a person is feeling secure. Abusers are insecure even if they do not appear that way on the surface. Generally, counseling is necessary.

Do you guys have classes about this? How much do you get paid for doing the presentations?

Yes. There are two classes you can take. The Politics of Sexual Violence is the survey class where we look at the political, social and psychological causes of sexual violence. We look at rape, battery, sexual harassment, and child sexual abuse. The class is IDST 54 and will be offered on Thursdays from 4-7 p.m. in the spring. The other class is Ending Sexual Violence: Peer Education. In that class you learn how to do the Project SURVIVE presentations. That's IDST 55 and will be offered on Tuesdays from 1-4 p.m. in the spring. You can take them together or alone and in any order. Hope to see you next semester. If you are hired to be a peer educator, you earn $13.50 an hour.

What goes through people's minds when they're doing the raping? And after they are finished?

That's a hard question to answer. It probably varies from individual to individual. Usually, rapists are hurt and angry, but they probably are more aware of the angry feelings than their deep hurt. They cover up their hurt from past injuries and rejections with anger. They take the pain inside of themselves and inflict it on someone else.

Why aren't there that many places for abused men to go to?

One of the reasons that there are not many places for abused men to go to is that the vast majority of abused adults are women. Another reason is that men don't like to talk about their problems or to admit they have been victimized. CUAV, Community United Against Violence, helps gay male victims of violence, and they will also help straight men. Women worked for many years to establish places they could go to to receive help. Male victims will have to do that same kind of work. Once grassroots organizing commences, then the government will fund successful organizations, agencies, and shelters.

What does it mean if you were in a relationship with a guy for about two and a half years and you were living together for about a year and a half? Where can you find counseling for emotional and mental abuse?

An emotionally abusive relationship that lasted two and a half years can cause a lot of pain. You can start by seeing a counselor at the Student Health Center. Counselors there can see students six to eight times for free. Then the counselor can recommend further support. If you are a woman, you can seek help at WOMAN, Inc., La Casa de las Madres, Riley Center, and Asian Women's Shelter. All of the numbers are on our green resource sheet, but you can also find them on our website (ccsf.edu/psurvive). If you are a man, gay or straight, you can get help from CUAV, Community United Against Violence. It's important that you build back your damaged self-esteem.

What is an e-mail address to contact someone at Project SURVIVE? 

You may write to lsimon@ccsf.edu.

How do women rape?

A woman can rape a man or another woman anally with an object. A man can get an erection out of fear, and a woman can force herself on him. A woman can force oral copulation on another woman or a man, and a woman can also force another woman or a man to orally copulate her.

November 21, 2006; 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.

I feel I'm too dependent on my partner? How can I help myself be less attached? 

Cultivate activities that you can enjoy without your partner. Sports, hobbies, books, movies, clubs on campus. Look for other friends with whom you can spend time away from your partner. Most of all, work on strengthening your self-esteem so you don't feel you have to depend on your partner so much. Finally, examine if your partner is doing something to make you feel weak and/or dependent. Subtle messages can cause you to think you can't operate successfully on your own.

When a woman says NO during consensual, passionate intercourse because she feels guilty about cheating on her boyfriend, is that fair to the man?

Although the man will not be happy with the woman's change of mind and decision, he must go along with it. It's not a matter of fairness, but a matter of respect and sensitivity. If he does not stop at that point, he is legally raping her.

November 21, 2006; 4:00-5:30 p.m.

If a person is "playing around" with his/her partner (i.e. name calling, play hitting, etc.), is that a sign of abuse? If so, what should the partner do?

That kind of "playing around" can be subtly abusive and a warning sign for later more obvious abuse. If the partner who is getting called names and being "play" hit does not like the behavior, it should stop immediately. Even if it feels just a little bit bad, the partner should make her/his needs known. If the offending partner tries to trivialize it or make the other person feel guilty, that is a very bad sign. The offending partner needs to get help for her/his insecurity. The other person may consider leaving the relationship and/or getting help to build back damaged self-esteem. If both partners consent and are in mutual agreement about the behavior, it may be okay, but they should examine why they are playing around in this way and be conscious about what kind of needs it may serve.

November 22, 2006; 8:00 a.m.-9:00 a.m.

On your "What do you think?" survey, you state: "Men will often say 'yes' to sex even if they don't want it because they have been socialized not to refuse it." What evidence do you have to suggest this? Maybe "often" should be changed.

While we base this statement on numerous reports of male socialization, we acknowledge your critique and will change our statement to read as follows: "Men may say 'yes' to sex even if they don't want it because they have been socialized not to refuse it." Thanks for your feedback.

If a person is raped, does this increase their chances for becoming "hyper-sexual"? 

Some people who are raped develop issues around sex: they may lose interest in it or they may become "hyper-sexual." Either reaction may be addressed through good individual and/or group counseling. We recommend the San Francisco Rape Treatment Center, listed on our green resource sheet and available on our website (ccsf.edu/psurvive).

What should I do if my family blames me for being raped? 

You may want to ask them to read the book I Never Called It Rape by Robin Warshaw. We use it in the Ending Sexual Violence class, so you can purchase it at the City College bookstore. You can also easily find it on-line or at libraries. In that book many rape survivors tell their stories. The reader is prompted to be sympathetic and not blame the survivors. Sadly, you may not be able to change the minds of your family members right away, so it's very important that you do NOT let their attitudes affect you. If your family does not change its beliefs and attitudes, some distance may develop between you and them, but you can move on, knowing that you did nothing wrong and that their limitations cannot hurt how you feel about yourself.

I was raped and never reported it. The statute of limitations has passed, and I don't really know the rapist. What steps can I take to feel like I did something, that I spoke out? 

One step you can take is to become an anti-rape activist. You can volunteer at San Francisco Women against Rape or at Project SURVIVE at City College, where we pay peer educators to deliver presentations on healthy relationships and prevention of rape and domestic violence. In the spring, sign up for Ending Sexual Violence, IDST 55 (Tuesday 1-4 p.m.). If you want to work in the fall, you must also take Politics of Sexual Violence, IDST 54, which you may take either this spring (Thursday 4-7 p.m.) or in the fall (Tuesday, 1-4 p.m.)

I have a friend who I am trying to help. Her husband abused her for years. They have three great kids. She finally left him two years ago and recently got divorced, but she still goes back and sleeps with him. She claims the sex is good and that she can't help it. I have practically given up on her.

Please do not give up on your friend, but also please try not to judge her. It took a lot of courage for her to leave and divorce her husband. In your statement you didn't mention whether he is still abusing her. If the abuse has stopped and the sex is good, what she is doing is not necessarily harmful. If he is still abusing her, of course, it is harmful. At least the children are not witnessing it. We'd call this "harm reduction." You can gently suggest to her to join a support group at La Casa de las Madres or WOMAN, Inc. to help her with lingering issues that allow her to keep seeing this man. If you feel you can remain her friend without judging her and staying patient, that's good. If that's not possible, it's better for both of you to part ways. You may want to offer her an open, honest explanation. As you do so, choose your words very carefully so that she does not feel worse about herself. Tell her you need to take care of yourself, and that watching her behavior has begun to affect you. Explain that you still care very much about her, that you have great respect for the strength it took her to leave and divorce this man, but that for now you need some time away.

What about a person saying NO and using rape to gain money in court? 

What you are implying is that someone in pretending to have been raped. If someone says NO, they want the other person to stop. If the other person does not stop, that is rape.

Can men be framed for sexual abuse when his partner did not stop him, and the partner wanted sex? 

You are implying a false charge of rape which is very rare, like other falsely reported crimes, about 2%.