How
does a person avoid rape? Since most rapes are acquaintance rapes, it’s important to look for the signs that people with abusive personalities possess. These people are often quite charming, friendly, and helpful at first, which disarms you and allows you to take your natural self-protective guard down. So look for these signs: excessive jealousy; controlling behavior (even when it seems the person wants to be helpful and has apparently good advice for you); isolation; quick involvement; expectations that you can meet all his/her needs; blaming other people for his/her problems and feelings; cruelty to animals or children; verbal abuse; breaking or striking objects; rigid gender roles. Re stranger rapes here are some tips: •Rapists look for
people on their cell phones, searching through their purses or pockets or doing
other activities while walking because they are can be easily overpowered. •The number one
place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking lots. Number
two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms. The rapist
is looking to grab a victim and quickly move her/him to a second location where
they don't have to worry about getting caught. •Only 2% of
rapists said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but
rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. If you put up any kind of a fight at all,
they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize
that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time consuming. •If someone is
following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or
stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it,
or make general small talk. Now that you've seen their face and could identify
them in a lineup, you lose appeal as a target. •If someone is
coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell “Stop or Stay
back!”. Again, rapists are looking for an EASY target. Consider taking a
self-defense class. We recommend Janet Gee’s eight week non-credit class at
the John Adams campus on Saturday mornings. September
16, 2005; 9:00-10:00 a.m. If
a co-worker is not working well, what can we do? Unfortunately, your question is a little vague, so we’re not entirely sure how to address it. We’ll try to be as focused as we can. If a co-worker is not working up to standards, and you feel comfortable talking to him or her about it, try to find a gentle way to broach the subject. It’s always good to offer sincere praise along with honest feedback for improvement. If it’s not possible to talk directly to your co-worker, then bring the issue to a supervisor. If you can be more specific with your question, we’d be happy to be more focused with our answer. You may call us at 239-3899. Good luck. September
24, 2005; 11:00 a.m.-12:15 p.m. How
can a person leave an abusive relationship? What if the person doesn’t want to
leave because they are in love and care about the person who abuses her? How can
counselors/hotlines help this girl move on with her life? Or does she need to do
it for herself? Can she get help? She can definitely
get help. In fact, no matter how strong someone is, it’s very hard for a
person to get out of an abusive relationship without outside support. Counselors
and hotlines, along with support groups and good self-help books (we recommend Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy or the shorter version, called You
Can Be Free) can help the survivor build back her self-esteem so that she
realizes she does not deserve to be abused. The difficulty is that the abuser
often uses charm, promises, and pleading to keep the abused in the relationship.
Then once the abuser is sure his/her partner won’t leave, the cycle of
violence can begin again. Please be patient with your friend. Please also read
the blue hand-out “How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship” so that
you can take care of yourself as well. If you can’t find it, it’s posted on
our website: ccsf.edu/psurvive. What
is the percentage of rape in youth under 18? Youth from 16-19 years old are the most at risk for rape. Estimates are that more than 40% of rape victims are under 18. October
5, 2005; 6:30-8 p.m. Does
chemical castration for repeat sex offenders really work if sexual assault has
to do with power not the sexual act? Rape doesn’t have to be with a penis. You’re right. Chemical castration is quite controversial. It does not keep “power” rapists from attacking victims in other ways. We’ve included a hand-out that goes into greater detail. Here’s the conclusion: “MPA (medroxyprogesterone acetate) has been used successfully with only one type of sex offender, the paraphiliac, who demonstrates a pattern of sexual arousal, erection, and ejaculation that is accompanied by a distinctive fantasy or its achievement. While MPA has proven successful for some paraphiliacs, there is considerable scientific opinion that the drug is not likely to have any meaningful influenes on three other types of sex offenders…defendants who deny the perpetration of the offense; defendants who admit the perpetration of the offense, but who blame their behavior on non-sexual or non-personal forces, such as drugs, alcohol, or job stress; and defendants who are violent and appear to be prompted by non-sexual factors, such as anger, power, or violence. (emphasis ours)” October
5, 2005; 6:30-8 p.m. Abusers
are not always male, are they? You’re right. Sometimes women are the primary abusers. However, we have statistics from the Bureau of Justice and the American Medical Association that say that over 90% of victims of physical violence in heterosexual relationships are women. It’s true that some women batter other women, but usually women are not the primary aggressors in male-female couples. Third parties may think the fight is equal. It looks to them like the man and woman are battering back and forth. This is actually unlikely. If the woman is fighting back in self-defense, of course, there is nothing wrong with that. But sometimes she becomes what we call the “secondary aggressor” or “secondary abuser.” She is not responsible for the original problem, but she is so frustrated with being abused that she has now started to respond in abusive ways. We do no want to excuse her behavior, but we do not want to blame her for the abuse she receives. The secondary abuser is generally afraid of the primary abuser and is willing to take all the blame. The primary abuser is not afraid and takes no responsibility for the problem. He or she will offer false apologies and promises to stop during the “heart and flowers” stage but blames his/her partner for the problem. Of course, in some instances, even in a heterosexual relationship, the woman is the primary abuser. October
6, 2005; 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. I
think that many women growing up decide to be very sexual and engage in lots of
sexual acts in order to own that power, because we know we are in less of a
place to gain power from sexuality; therefore, we put ourselves in sexual
situations that are unpleasing. We go through the motions to prove to ourselves
that we are in control. Can you touch on this? To own our sexuality would mean that we choose when, where, and with whom we engage in sex. Hopefully, we would choose sex for pleasure rather than control. If we have been sexually injured in the past, gaining back our power is necessary, so we may enter into negotiations in sado-masochistic sex play or sex work where we remain in control. It’s important t distinguish between keeping our power/owning our sexuality and having control over someone else. October
25, 2006; 2:30-4:00 p.m. People
who don’t experience physical abuse but do experience verbal/emotional
relationship abuse may not want to label it as such because it seems not as
important, or more bourgeois, than other kinds of abuse. Can you elaborate? Actually, we don’t
have evidence that verbal/emotional abuse takes place more often in bourgeois or
middle class relationships. In fact, at October
25, 2006; 2:30-4:00 p.m. With all the news about priests raping kids in their parishes, would that be considered rape if it has been many years after the incident? I know that it’s rape, but do you think they’re just after the money because if they are not after the money, why would they accept it? Money should not be a part of it because money can never replace their dignity. How come all of us are not aware of the settlements they receive? Why do they wait until something happens to them? Why do they wait for years to accuse the priest who raped them? We don’t
believe people are just after the money. They often have high therapy bills that
the money can go toward. Money can’t replace their dignity, but therapy can
help rebuild it. Also, the money awards are a means for forcing the church to
acknowledge the damage done by these priests. Sometimes settlements are kept
private as part of an agreement. Frankly, it’s a way to protect the offending
parties at the same time it awards benefits to the victim. People often wait
until years later because sometimes there is a delayed reaction to trauma. October 26, 2005; 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. After doing a Project SURVIVE presentation, do you find that people come to the office or contact you because they have been raped? Actually,
more often we find that people come to the office with questions about physical
and emotional abuse in relationships. For that reason we are trying to
incorporate more information about emotional abuse in future presentations. October 26, 2005; 3-4:30p.m. How can you prevent being raped or how can you prevent a friend from being raped? We’re
going to summarize the tips we listed on our bright green hand-out: Protect Yourself:
Determine what you want and what you don't want. No one should pressure you into
unwanted sexual activity. Know that you have the right and power to say
"no" and the right and power to defend yourself against someone who
won't listen to you. Trust your intuition. If you feel something is wrong, it
probably is. As quickly as you can, get to a safe place. Be careful with alcohol and drugs. Some people think that a drunk or stoned companion has automatically consented to sex. Also, date rape drugs can be placed in any kind of drink without your knowledge. If you did not see a drink poured and/or did not have it in your possession at all times, throw it away. The use of date rape drugs, which cause unconscious-ness and make you susceptible to rape, is increasing at an alarming rate. If
your partner restricts your activities, isolates you from friends, and displays
jealous behavior, he or she may eventually rape and/or beat you. Talk to your
friends about ways you've learned to prevent rape and violence. Be a role model
for younger people who need to learn how to protect and care for themselves. Protect
your partner and friends: Respect
your partner's feelings and needs. Don't pressure anyone to go beyond the limits
she or he has set. Respect the request of a person who says "no" to
sexual activity. If you’re
not sure your partner is saying “no,”
find out. Even if it seems your partner is turned on to you, he or she may not
want to have sex for various reasons: no condom; not ready for sex with you yet;
involved with someone else, etc. Don’t
make decisions for anyone else. Let your partner make his/her own choices. If
you see someone in a vulnerable situation, find a non-threatening way to offer
help. Remember that if a person is too drunk or stoned to resist or say
"no" and you have sex with
that person anyway, you could be charged with rape. Examine your feelings; be
careful not to take out your internal frustrations on someone you care about.
Talk to your partner about how you feel. Communication can ease tension. Discuss
the problem of dating violence with your friends. Interrupt jokes that degrade
women, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender people. October 28, 2005; 2:00-3:00 p.m.
Do you know how it feels when you are raped? When you
are raped, you feel as if all your power has been taken from you. You feel
violated. But remember that you can heal from this injury and go on to have a
strong, healthy life and good sex in a healthy relationship. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. Why do some relationships lead to abuse or hurting and raping others? Abusive
people who hurt and rape others are generally insecure people who have not dealt
with past injuries in their own lives. Instead of healing themselves, which will
help them have healthy relationships and be good partners and parents, they turn
to hurting others to avoid their own pain. With a good support group and
counselor, an abusive person can heal and stop injuring others. Remember that
even people with money and power can be insecure inside. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. If you had sex with an older man and you didn’t want it, but you liked it, is it called rape? If you are
under 18, and the man is more than three years older than you, it is called
statutory rape, and he could be prosecuted for a felony. It sounds like you were
manipulated into having sex you didn’t want. Even if you liked the sex, what
the man did was wrong. He took advantage of the power of age that he has over
you. This kind of sex would most likely lead to an unhealthy relationship.
Please stay away from older people who will abuse their power over and over
again. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. If we don’t want relationship abuse, what should we do. Look at
the yellow sheet we passed out that listed signs to look for in an abusive
personality. Abusive people can be very charming at first, but if they exhibit
controlling, jealous behavior, this will lead to relationship abuse. Stay away
from people who exhibit these signs. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. How can you get help if your boyfriend is abusive? What can you do when somebody abuses or takes advantage of you? Please
call the teen crisis line at La Casa de las Madres: 877-923-0700. We also
included a brochure with general information that your teacher can make
available to the class. Please remember that the best thing to do with abusive
people is to separate from them. If that is not possible in the immediate
future, learn to set up healthy boundaries and leave the situation when the
person starts to abuse you. We recommend the book Your
Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships by
Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons. It’s listed on the blue hand-out we gave
you. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. What kind of rape drugs are there and how many are there? There are
several date rape drugs: Rohypnol, aka Roofies and Roach; Ecstasy; Ketamine;
Gamma Hydroxybutrate, aka Grievous Bodily Harm or GBH. They cause you to lose
consciousness and are generally odorless, colorless, and tasteless. People slip
them into alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. If your drink has been out of your
possession for even just a few minutes, throw it away. Do NOT drink it. People
use date rape drugs at parties, clubs, and bars. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. Is it a date rape if people are gay or lesbian? Is it okay to masturbate? Yes. If
two women are on a date or two men are on a date and one rapes the other, it is
considered date rape. Yes. It is
definitely okay to masturbate. It is healthy and natural. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. If a guy or a girl is having sex but one of them has HIV or AIDS, what if the condom breaks? Can the partner still get the illness? The
partner could get the illness; however, there is a medicine that works to
prevent contraction of the AIDS virus as long as it is administered within 72
hours of exposure. After 72 hours it does no good. So if you have sex with
someone you know has the HIV virus and the condom breaks, be sure to go to October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. Why do people rape? Are they horny? Or do they like it when a person is scared? We do not
believe that people rape because they are horny. We believe they rape because
they are insecure. According to researcher Nicholas Groth (Men
Who Rape, 1990), there are three kinds of rapists: power rapists, anger
rapists, and sadistic rapists. All of them are insecure people who are in a lot
of emotional pain. They may have money and power in their lives, but emotionally
they are not secure. Power rapists, the most common—about 75%, like to exert
power and control over other people. They generally plan their attack and
usually rape someone they know. Anger rapists usually rape strangers and
constitute about 25 % of rapists. These people divide people into “good” and
“bad” and rape people they perceive to be “bad.”
Sadistic rapists, the most brutal, are more rare, about 2 %, and more
complex in their motivations. Some people have problems with these categories.
Just remember that rapists generally look “normal.” They do show signs of
abusive personalities, however. In other words they are controlling people who
like to degrade and humiliate others. October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. What per cent of men get raped? What per cent of women? Most
people still do not report rape, so we get statistics from anonymous surveys,
which range from 15 to 30% of adult women and 10 to 15 % of adult men. (Sources
: October 28, 2005; 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m.
What if a girl gives her consent to have sex because she is afraid of the rapist but she really means “no.” Is that considered rape as well? This would
be considered rape because she submitted to an attack out of fear, she did not
freely consent to sex. October 31, 2005; 10:00-11:00a.m. My boyfriend always tells me I’m wrong for needing sex. We only have sex two to three times a week. Am I a bad girl? Is that too much need for sex? Is it a problem? He was raised in a Muslim country. We do not
believe any girls are “bad.” It seems that you and your boyfriend simply
have different sexual needs. Neither one of you is wrong. Different individuals
have different sexual needs. The key is to find a partner who is compatible with
your needs. If you love each other and want to stay together, you may want to
learn to compromise, but each partner should be willing to make some change. On
the other hand, it is okay for you to part if you feel your sexual needs are not
being met. This does not make you “bad.” It also does not mean there is
anything wrong with your boyfriend. You just need to find more compatible
partners. Sometimes our differences are individual; sometimes they are cultural.
Sometimes our differences are a combination of personal and cultural. Sometimes
we can work through our differences; other times, we need to seek new friends
and partners. November 1, 2005; 9:00-10:00 a.m. How can a person not know if he/she has been raped? It dos
seem hard to believe that a person would not know that he/she has been raped
because rape is such a violent act; however, often people do not know because
they are not sure of the legal definition and the rapist is someone they know.
If someone you know has asked to have sex with you and you agree and then change
your mind and tell the person “no” but the person does not stop, that is
rape. However, since you know him/her and had originally agreed to sex, you
don’t consider it rape. That’s one example. Other ways a person may not know
is if a date rape drug has been used. People have no memory of what happened, so
they could not possibly have given consent. A book that we use in one of our
classes has a telling title: I Never
Called It Rape (by Robin Warshaw). Some rapists don’t even know they have
raped someone because they, too, may be ignorant of the legal definition of
rape. No consent, inability to give consent, or submitting out of fear all
constitute conditions for rape. November 7. 2005; 9:00-10:00 a.m. Why are there no referrals specific to people of Arab/Middle Eastern descent? There is a need. Unfortunately,
we are not aware of any resources specific to people of Arab/Middle Eastern
descent; however, there are materials from San Francisco Women Against Rape that
have been translated into Arabic. Give us a call, and we can mail them to you if
you like. (239-3899) November 9, 2005; 6:30-8:00 p.m. How many gay men report rape/abuse in a casual date/one night stand relationship encounter? Statistics
vary so much from different studies that it’s hard to make a good estimate on
the numbers of survivors of adult male to male rape. We do know that there are
very low reporting rates for acquaintance rapes in general. Nation-wide about
30% of all rapes are reported to law enforcement officials, with acquaintance
rapes being the least reported even though they represent most of the rapes that
occur. That said, in a sample of 412 university students, 16.9% reported that
they were lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Of those, 42.4% (30.6% female and 11.8%
male) indicated that they had been forced to have sex against their will. They
are responding to an anonymous survey, and probably many of them did not report
to the police. November 9, 2005; 6:30-8:00 p.m. If your boyfriend was abusive in the past and is not so any more, can that be a sign of still being abusive? He loses his temper but never has hit me. When he was abusive, it was not with me but in another relationship, and he was on drugs, which made him abusive. But could he still be abusive? Your
concern is significant. If your boyfriend is still losing his temper, it is very
likely a form of psychological abuse, which could be damaging to your
self-esteem. We recommend that he gets counseling. We also recommend Men’s Work by Paul Kivel, which includes a section on drugs and
alcohol and abuse, and Psychology 15: Assertive Behavior, which teaches passive
people to be assertive and aggressive people to be assertive. Both passive and
aggressive behaviors indicate low self-esteem. Finally, even though
psychological abuse may not lead to physical abuse, it can injure you deeply. November 9, 2005; 6:30-8:00 p.m. What if the relationship is not working and one lives with three children? It is
difficult to end a relationship when children are involved; however, we know
that abuse in the adult relationship has negative effects on children. If you
write to us at lsimon@ccsf.edu we can
send you material about those negative effects, which may help you make your
decision. Of course, finances are often a stumbling block, and there are no easy
answers there. A support group can help you figure out how to move beyond
financial and psychological barriers to leaving a relationship. WOMAN, Inc.,
which is on our green resource sheet can help connect you with a support group. November 9, 2005; 6:30-8:00 p.m. If you seek help or protection from the police and they tell you it’s your fault and won’t help you, is there any legal recourse that can be taken to jeopardize their job/position of power? Please
contact the Office of Citizen’s Complaints at 415-597-7711. November 9, 2005; 6:30-8:00 p.m. If you want to get a restraining order and you KNOW that offender will have an expensive, top lawyer, is there anywhere you can get free, quality legal representation? Call the
Cooperative Restraining Order Clinic at WOMAN, Inc. (415-864-1790) November 9, 2005; 6:30-8:00 p.m. What if you are the one who is the abuser in the relationship and you want to change and not be the abuser? Thank you
for your commitment to change. The fact that you are acknowledging the problem
is the first step. Since you are in a Women’s Health class, we want to say
that if you are a woman in a relationship with a man, it’s possible you are a
secondary abuser responding badly to abuse you are receiving. However, you could
also be a primary abuser in a relationship with a man or a woman. The way to
determine your status is to ask yourself if you feel any fear of your partner
and if you feel responsible for everything that is wrong in the relationship.
Most secondary abusers react this way. Primary abusers are not afraid of their
partners, and although they offer apologies and promises in the hearts and
flowers or contrition stage, they really don’t take responsibility for their
abuse. If you are a secondary abuser, getting support from counselors at Student
Health to build back your self-esteem and taking Psychology 15: Assertive
Behavior will help you end your abusive behavior. If you are a primary abuser,
you will need to join a support group. If you are a woman, call WOMAN, Inc. If
you are a man, call AVACA and get a copy of Men’s Work by Paul Kivel. If you are queer, call CUAV. All of
these numbers are on the green resource sheet we passed out in class. Much good
luck to you. November 10, 2005; 9:30 a.m.-11:00 a.m. As a child (11-12), a girl I know I was bribed by a man for sexual acts in exchange for money and gifts. She allowed him to touch her in private places and masturbate on her while she lay on the floor and he ejaculated on her. All these acts were committed in church in secluded areas. He was the security guard and was over 21. Is this rape even though the young girl said it was okay for this to continue? This is
definitely rape, and since she was under 14, it’s considered child sexual
abuse. November 14, 2005; 11:00-12:30 a.m. Please give us some statistics on convictions. This is a
difficult question. Of the rapes that actually go to trial, conviction rates are
quite high, over 90%, but since so few rapes are reported, of all the rapes that
actually occur, less than 10% end in conviction.This is the reason we are so
committed to prevention. November 14, 2005; 11:00-12:30 a.m. Do you have any information, resources, hotlines or groups for women suffering from STD’s? Please
stop by Cloud Hall 405, where you can find many resources on STD’s. You may
also call first (452-5070) to make sure they will be open when you arrive.
Perhaps they can also mail you brochures to save you a trip. Check also with the
Women’s November 14, 2005; 1:00-2:30 p.m. Can you call the cops on a friend? If she/he is getting hit and can’t do it him/herself, if it can or cannot be proven? Although
you are probably very concerned about your friend, it’s best if you can help
her/him find the right option for dealing with the injuries. She/he may not want
to call the police but find other ways out of the situation. Please give your
friend information about shelters and counseling found on our green resource
sheet. If you need a copy of it, you can find it on our website at ccsf.edu/psurvive.
Finally, your friend may decide to ask for police intervention. You can offer
support, but don’t make the call. It takes away power. November 15, 2005; 9:30-11:00 a.m. Are there resources for children who witness battered relationships? There are
several places you can call: Family
Service Agency TALK line
415-441-KIDS Child and
Adolescent Sexual Abuse Resource Center
415-206-8386 Kids’
Turn 415-437-0700 November 15, 2005; 11:00-12:30 p.m. If you are being verbally abused and you hit that person because of frustration and they hit you back, who is to blame? It is hard
to answer this question. It may be that the verbal abuser is the primary abuser
and that the person who hit is the secondary abuser, which would affect who is
the main source of the problem; however, each individual must take
responsibility for his/her actions, both verbal and physical. Here’s how to
distinguish the primary from the secondary abuser: generally, the primary abuser
is not afraid of the secondary abuser and though may offer false apologies,
he/she will put all the blame for the relationship abuse on the secondary
abuser; the secondary abuser will generally have some fear of the primary abuser
and will often feel very guilty and responsible for all of the relationship
abuse. Usually, it’s easier to help the secondary abuser change his/her
behavior. The primary abuser is in denial and will not take responsibility for
his/her actions without serious counseling. November 15, 2005; 11:00-12:30 p.m. What can I do to help someone who is abuser/abused? The abuser
and the abused need different kinds of help. You can give each of them options.
Abusers generally need to join a support group (for men: AVACA, Man Alive,
Pocovi; for women: WOMAN, Inc; for queer community: CUAV). Abused people need to
go to a shelter or other secret safe place if the abuse is physical and they
need support groups and counseling to repair damaged self esteem. There are
currently no shelters for abused men, but there are several for abused women:
Asian Women’s Shelter, La Casa de las Madres, November 15, 2005; 11:00-12:30 p.m. Are everyday arguments considered verbal abuse even if there are no bad words just disagreement? If there
is no name-calling, humiliation, degradation, and/or constant criticism, and if
the arguments do not happen frequently, then these disagreements probably are
not abuse. November 15, 2005; 6:30-7:30 p.m. If someone is convicted of rape, what is the average length of jail time (if any), or type of punishment? If someone
is convicted of a felony rape charge, he/she will be sentenced to jail time. The
sentence varies depending on the severity of the violence and whether or not
this is a first offense. It can range from two years to twenty. November 17, 2005; 9:30 a.m.-11:00 a.m. Will one’s sex life be affected after he/she has been raped? A rape
survivor’s sex life will usually be affected in the short term. It may be hard
for the person to have sex. But in the long term the survivor can heal from the
rape and go on to have a healthy sex life. We recommend the following book even
though it is focused on survivors of child sexual abuse: The
Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life after Sexual Abuse
by Staci Haines. November 17, 2005; 9:30 a.m.-11:00 a.m. What is the most common kind of abuse? The most
common kind of abuse is verbal abuse. Not only does it stand alone, but it often
also accompanies physical and sexual abuse. November 17, 2005; 9:30 a.m.-11:00 a.m. I have been a victim of date rape, and I have also been raped by an ex-boyfriend. Although this happened years ago, I still have thoughts and regret on my mind about what happened. How do I resolve this, and what should I do? Should I just let it go and move on? Or can I still make use of Project SURVIVE services? You are
welcome to use the services of Project SURVIVE, but we offer only one hour of
crisis counseling. Most likely, we would recommend that you contact November 17, 2005; 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Do you guys do high school presentations? We go to
about three high schools a semester, and we have just received funding to work
with community based organizations to make sure that all SF high schools receive
healthy relationship presentations. It will be a while, however, before we will
have enough funding to accomplish that. Next fall we will start our pilot
project in four schools. November 17, 2005; 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. If you go to a counseling center, are your visits confidential? For example, will they go in your medical records or if you apply for a job, will it show up on your background check? Generally,
visits are confidential unless you reveal that you are suicidal or homicidal or
you speak about physical and/or sexual abuse that is happening to a person under
18 years old. Whether or not the counseling goes on your medical record depends
on where you do the counseling. If it’s a private or community clinic not
attached to a medical facility, obviously it would not show up on your medical
records. Medical records cannot be released to anyone without your permission. November 17, 2005; 6:00-7:30 p.m. How can a victim of a bad relationship, aside from counseling, not become abusive or carry this behavior to his/her next relationship? How can one recognize this? This is a
good question because if you have been a victim of abuse, your self-esteem is
damaged, which could cause you to become abusive. Counseling is probably the
best solution, but since you want alternatives, we recommend a one-unit class at
November 17, 2005; 6:00-7:30 p.m. What if both persons were under the influence and had sex and the couple wakes up and the female claims she was raped but has no traces of being raped and could be using that situation to block off embarrassment or to gain the upper hand. Can the male be arrested for rape? It is very
difficult for a drunk victim to press charges, which is the reason we talk about
prevention. Do not have sex with your partner if she/he is too drunk to give
consent. If you had too much to drink, and someone raped you or manipulated you
into having sex you did not want to have, please do not blame yourself. It is
the fault of the person who raped or manipulated you. November 18, 2005; 9:00 –10:00 a.m. I have a female friend who complains that she gets orgasms very seldom. She thinks that her partner is not aggressive enough to satisfy her. She says that sometimes she wants to be raped in her dreams. Can our sexual desires differ from our realities? No one
really wants to be raped. We are in charge of our fantasies; we are not in
charge if we are actually raped. If we enjoy rape fantasies, we can negotiate
with our partner to PRETEND or PLAY as if he/she is raping us. This needs to be
carefully arranged, and the two partners should have a safe word like “BLUE”
to stop the play if one partner wants it to stop. Often, however, a more
aggressive partner is not necessary for a woman to achieve orgasm. Instead, she
needs to know what can bring her to orgasm, often through experimenting during
masturbation. Then she can tell her partner what she likes. Communication is
very important for a good sex life. Good Vibrations on November 18, 2005; 9:00 –10:00 a.m. What is the difference between being sexually abused or raped and being sexually molested? Rape is a
legal term and involves forced vaginal or anal intercourse or forced oral
copulation. Usually sexual molestation refers to any kind of sexual violation of
a minor, which may or may not include rape. Sexual abuse is an umbrella term for
any kind of sexual violation of both children and adults. November 18, 2005; 9:00 –10:00 a.m. Is there any testimony or any record of rape between co-workers where the man has been raped instead of the woman? There are
such instances, but generally the man is raped by another man. November 18, 2005; 9:00 –10:00 a.m. Have there been any mind studies done on how a person’s mind reacts to his/her partner saying “no” and a police office flashing his flashlight on two people who are at their top sexual peak? We are not
aware of any such studies. November 18, 2005; 9:00 –10:00 a.m. I would like to find out how I can become a peer educator through personal experience. I would like to help someone else. Please
sign up for Ending Sexual Violence: Peer Education, IDST 55, offered in the
spring on Tuesday from 1-4 p.m. At the end of the semester, you can interview
for the job, and if we hire you, you may begin working in the fall with the
promise that you will enroll in The Politics of Sexual Violence during fall
semester. Thanks for your interest. November 23, 2005; 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. What if your partner does not let you out of the house? This is an
extreme form of abuse, and we suggest that this person call one of the shelters
to get assistance in escaping this form of imprisonment. Please give him/her
resource numbers from our green resource sheet. If the person has access to a
computer, he/she can find the resource sheet on our website at ccsf.edu/psurvive November 28, 2005; 9-9:45 p.m. If a father is abusive, how can he teach his son to be non-violent toward girls? The father
would have to go through counseling and then pass the information on to his son.
We highly recommend that he do this. November 29, 2005 2:00-3:30 p.m. If convicted of rape or sexual assault as a minor, does it “go away” once you turn 18? Is your file sealed? November 29, 2005 2:00-3:30 p.m. How come you never answered my question from the IDST class with Lauren Muller? We
answered all questions and sent them to her. If for some reason, your question
was missed, we would appreciate your contacting the office with your question so
we can address it. You may leave a message at 239-3899, an e-mail at lsimon@ccsf.edu.
On the other hand, perhaps you were absent on the day Ms. Muller read the
answers out loud. You may come to Cloud 402 and look at the questions and
answers posted on the bulletin board outside our office. You may find your
question there. Once in a great while a card is missing a date and time due to
peer educator error and we have to toss it because we don’t know which class
it came from. Our deep apologies if that was the case for you. November 29, 2005 2:00-3:30 p.m. I’m right now in an uncommon relationship. My partner is 32, and I’m 18. Of course, my parents don’t know about it. He’s loving, but I’m the one who feels bad about it. I mean I feel like I’m not doing a correct thing. Is that relationship bad? What can I do in order not to feel bad and improve my relationship? As long as
you feel your partner is loving and not abusing or controlling you, please try
to relax and enjoy the relationship. However, you may be feeling bad because due
to the large age difference and possible power imbalance, you feel like you are
being controlled. If that’s the case, then the relationship is not healthy.
You may want to go to Student Health in January for a few sessions to determine
why you feel bad. Of course, not being able to tell your parents probably
contributes to your unhappiness. If your partner is truly loving, your parents
may understand if you tell them in a positive way. A counselor can help you find
a way to do that. November 30, 2005; 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. How do you tell someone that they are being used in a relationship? Please
know that the person may be getting something out of the relationship that we
can’t see and so is not really being used. Of course, if the person is being
abused, whatever he/she gets out of the relationship is not worth the abuse. The
best strategy is to be honest with the person and describe your perceptions. Be
careful to do it in a gentle, non-judgmental way. December 1, 2005; 1:00-2:00 p.m. Please explain more about the question of what happens when a girl hits a boy. We know
that some girls/women physically and/or emotionally abuse boys/men, but usually
what is happening is that the girl is a secondary abuser. This means she is not
the main instigator of the abuse. We do not think that girls are better or
naturally more peaceful than boys, but rather that the larger culture gives a
certain kind of power to men over women if they are in the same age,
socio-economic class, and ethnicity. When the boy/man is insecure he may use his
power to abuse the girl/woman. Sometimes the girl does nothing and becomes a
passive victim. Sometimes she fights back in self-defense, which means that she
is fighting to keep herself from being hurt. We believe that is a good response
as long as she leaves the situation as soon as possible. If she stays to beat
the boy up, then she has become a primary aggressor, exerting more force than is
necessary to save herself from getting hurt. Sometimes, however, she will become
what we call a secondary aggressor or abuser. She is not the main cause of the
problem, but she has started to fight back badly. For example, if he calls her a
name, she calls him one back instead of saying to him: “Don’t ever call me
that again; if you do, I will leave you.” When a victim starts becoming
abusive, she loses her dignity. Defending oneself is VERY different from
becoming aggressive or abusive. If you would like us to come back to discuss
this further, please ask your teacher to call us. December 5, 2005; 9:00-9:58 a.m. Are most people raped by someone in their family? Most
people are raped by someone they know or have recently met. The person could be
a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, the friend of a friend, someone they just
met at a party or club. We call all of these rapes “acquaintance rapes,” and
they constitute about 75-85% of all rapes. December 5, 2005; 10:25 –11:20 a.m. What makes someone rape? There are
several reasons, but the main one is that the person feels insecure and wants to
exert power and control over someone they perceive to be weaker than they are.
Rapists are bullies, and bullies are cowards. The vast majority of rapists, if
not all, have been sexually, physically, and/or emotionally abused as children.
Instead of facing their own pain and trying to heal from it, they inflict it on
others as a misguided way of escaping their pain. We also know that rape is used
as a weapon of war and was used during slavery, so there are political causes of
rape as well as social and psychological factors. December 5, 2005; 10:25 –11:20 a.m. Why do people think I am a rapist? Since we
don’t know who you are, we can only guess at the answer. We know that we
talked about how African American and Latino men are stereotyped as rapists. If
you are from one of those groups, perhaps this is what you are referring to. As
we said in the presentation, we believe that the dominant culture in the December 5, 2005; 10:25 –11:20 a.m. When you flirt with an older person (you are 11, and he is 17), and the person says he loves you and gets really mad and jealous when you talk to other boys and asks you to have sex and you say you don’t know but he keeps asking and pressuring you so that you finally give in because you are scared, is that rape? First of
all, it would be considered statutory rape because you are under the legal age
of consent. Second, it would be considered rape because you are submitting out
of fear; you are not giving consent freely. December 5, 2005; 10:25 –11:20 a.m. In April 2005, I experienced a bad situation. I had been raped by this guy who was over 20 years old. He got prosecuted after I told the police, but then when he got to jail, the district attorney released him after two days without my knowledge. I don’t know why they released him when that is considered statutory rape. Now every time I hear the word “rape,” I get stressed and traumatized. I don’t know what to do because it wasn’t fair, and I don’t know how to get over it. What should I do? We are so
sorry that this happened to you. This is what we recommend: Call San Francisco
Women against Rape crisis line: 415-647-RAPE, or 647-7273. They will put you in
touch with a phone counselor who is expert at talking to teen rape survivors.
This anonymous phone counseling can help you. You may also call CASARC, Child
and December 9, 2005 1:35 p.m.-2:25 p.m. How can you help someone who has been raped? How can you be a friend to her or him? First, be
as gentle as you can with your friend. Tell her/him that you are very sorry this
has happened. Then, you can share the following resources: San Francisco Women
against Rape crisis line: 415-647-RAPE, or 647-7273. They will put your friend
in touch with a phone counselor who is expert at talking to teen rape survivors.
Your friend may also call CASARC, Child and December 12, 2005 9:36 p.m. Balboa High School What are the causes of domestic violence? Why do abusers hit? This
question requires a complex answer because there are several key factors that
cause domestic violence. We believe that abusers hit and/or emotionally abuse
because they are in psychological pain and it’s easier for them to blame
someone else for their pain than face it. They are insecure people, even though
outwardly they may look like they have self-confidence; they may even have
charm, money, and power. Social conditioning and gender roles also contribute to
violence. That explains why more men than women batter. Finally, top down,
hierarchical systems of power enforce top-down abuse. Please consider taking
“Politics of Sexual Violence,” IDST 54, in the fall where we discuss this
issue at great length. January 31, 2006 6:00-7:30 p.m. Regarding the myth that “rape is caused by an uncontrollable sex drive,” what about drug/alcohol abuse? Would you say that using drugs and alcohol can make people control themselves less? Drugs and
alcohol are associated with rape and battery but do not cause
someone to rape or batter. A person who is prone to sexual and/or domestic
violence will often use drugs or alcohol because he (and sometimes she) knows
that under the influence inhibitions go down, but this does not mean he/she is
out of control. He/she is still making a behavior choice. On the other hand
victims may be given date rape drugs, which cause them to be unconscious and
easily victimized. January 31, 2006 6:00-7:30 p.m. What about a type of emotional abuse/manipulation of partners who threaten to hurt/harm themselves? Thank you
for your comment. Emotinal abuse is one of the reasons people get trapped in
abusive relationships. We often mention it under “threats” but neglected to
do so today. February 21, 2006 1:00-2:30 p.m. From the time a victim is raped or sexually battered, how long does the victim have to press charges? Is there a statute of limitation on rape cases? Technically,
the statute of limitations for rape in February 21, 2006 1:00-2:30 p.m. What’s the concept of rape? Does it mean the sexual act? Rape has
two components: the act itself and the fact that there was no consent,
submission under fear, or inability to give consent. The act involves forced
vaginal or anal penetration and forced oral copulation. February 21, 2006 1:00-2:30 p.m. Are there any groups/organizations available for pre-teen and teen-agers who show signs of becoming potential abusers? Please
call the Teen Crisis Line at La Casa de las Madres for information:
877-923-0700. March 2, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Do many We have no
reason to believe that
What is the ideal “healthy” relationship? We refer
you back to the gold hand-out that outlines characteristics of non-violent,
mature relationships. A healthy relationship would be one in which there is no
abuse–emotional, physical, and sexual. Healthy, infrequent arguments and, if
both partners want it, good, safer, mutually satisfying and consensual sex also
contribute to the health of a relationship. Honesty, respect, and trust are key.
Clear communication, willingness to compromise, shared responsibilities, along
with common goals and interests also help. Quality time together AND apart helps
to preserve the relationship. This sounds like a lot, but, although it isn’t
easy, many of these qualities overlap and build on one another March 2, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. How do victims get help, especially legal? How do you deal with the charming abuser in court? You’re
smart to notice that the same charming abuser who can manipulate an ill-informed
therapist can also manipulate a judge. The best general advice is to go to court
with an advocate who understands the trap and can keep the victim from falling
into it. WOMAN, Inc’s legal clinic should be able to help. That number is
864-1790. You may also call our office at 239-3899 to pick up a copy of a
well-researched article that argues why court mandated mediation is a bad idea
in instances of abuse. March 2, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. What is a perfect family? Do couples need counseling when there is constant arguing and alcohol abuse? There is
no such thing as perfection in the human realm; all we can do is practice at
making our relationships as healthy as possible. A relationship that involves
constant arguing and alcohol abuse, however, definitely needs outside help. If
each person abuses alcohol, each should seek treatment. If one does and the
other does not, the one who is sober might consider joining a group like
Al-Anon, dedicated to helping people living in families where one or more
members abuse alcohol and/or drugs. March 2, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
If possible, please state more clearly about the hours on the green sheet resources. We don’t
list the hours of these organizations because we don’t have space. Our own
office is part-time, with the coordinator working only 14 hours a week. Many of
those are spent outside the office, so it’s best to make an appointment.
Office hours: Monday 3-5. March 2, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
When do you know when to give up on a friend that is constantly abused? We
actually recommend that you don’t give up on your friend but that you pace
yourself so that you don’t get burnt out. As you know, it’s extremely
difficult to leave an abusive relationship, so when you have a friend who is in
one, you need to practice patience. Don’t get involved in her/his drama. But
do offer options from time to time. Generally, a person has to make four to
seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship before she/he succeeds. March 3, 2006 12:00-1:00 p.m. I’m really interested , and I want to know if I can do anything to help. One way
you can get involved is to become a Project SURVIVE peer educator. Sign up for
IDST 54 on Tuesdays 1-4 pm in the fall. You then take IDST 55 in the spring and,
if you are hired, you can start working as a peer educator the following year.
It’s a long process, but we think it’s worth it. March 6, 2006 3:00-4:30 p.m. Are the Project SURVIVE jobs full-time or part-time? When do they meet? The
Project SURVIVE jobs are part-time. The hours are flexible and depend on your
schedule. March 6, 2006 3:00-4:30 p.m. What causes a person do abuse his/her partner? There are
political, social, and psychological factors. We live in a political system that
is hierarchical, which allows people with more power to abuse others with less
power. Also, social conditioning contributes to a lot of relationship abuse.
Gender roles that encourage men to be aggressive and women passive are part of
the explanation; however, many people who aren’t passive can still become
victims because abusers, manipulative and charming, brainwash victims,
destroying their self-esteem over time. We all live in the same political system
and are exposed to similar social conditioning, so why do some people abuse and
others do not? The political system and conditioning processes contribute to
abusive behavior, but psychological factors determine which ones will abuse and
which ones will not. Generally, people who have themselves been injured
physically, sexually, and/or emotionally are at greater risk for becoming
abusive. If they can inflict pain on others, they do not have to face their own
pain. Of course, most people who have been abused do not abuse because they find
ways to heal from their pain. March 6, 2006 3:00-4:30 p.m. When you are in a relationship and sex is not involved because you truly don’t want to, but your partner tells you that if there’s no sex, then it’s over, would that be considered “forced sex.” If you
were to agree to this kind of sex, it would not be considered “forced”
unless somehow you feared for your life or physical safety; however, it would
not be good sex. Although not illegal, it would be manipulative and unhealthy. March 6, 2006 3:00-4:30 p.m. Can rapists be cured? This is a
difficult question to answer. If they are young, under age fifteen, there is
some hope. The older the person gets, the less hope there is. This is the reason
we are so committed to prevention education and hope to be going to all SF high
schools within a couple of years with our message. March 6, 2006 3:00-4:30 p.m. Do prisons provide rehabilitation services to convicted sex offenders? The state
prison system in March 6, 2006 3:00-4:30 p.m. I have two questions: Does violence start with how the children act? How can that stop? Is screaming good or is it better providing people to not talk to other people? You seem
to be raising very important issues here, but we’re not sure we completely
understand the questions. We will do our best. If we misunderstood what you need
to know, please call us at 239-3899 or e-mail Leslie at lsimon@ccsf.edu. Some
babies are calm, but others cry a lot because of immature digestive systems, a
condition called “colic.” It
does not mean they have exceptional problems or that the parents have done
anything wrong. As their digestive systems mature, they will experience less
pain due to gas, and their crying will subside. Sadly, they are at risk for
abuse because it can be very trying to hear an infant cry for hours. Another
challenging time is the two-year-old age range when children’s egos are
emerging. They are fond of saying “no,” and they are prone to temper
tantrums. Rather than let the child scream or isolate the child or, worse, hit
the child, it’s a good idea to hold the child until he/she calms down. Giving
the child a treat or buying a toy at the store while a tantrum is taking place
is a bad idea because it will reinforce the child’s negative behavior. As the
child matures, language and negotiation can be used to set boundaries and
limits, which all children need. Parents can provide a range of choices within
limits they have set. That kind of guidance demonstrates love and care. Without
limits, structure, and discipline, children will continue to act out and not
have the tools to manage their emotional reactions to disappointment, rejection,
and other challenges that human beings have to face no matter how positive the
environment. March 7, 2006 8:00-9:30 a.m. As a sufferer of bipolar disorder, I have, at time, feelings of extreme provacativity where I get the urge to use sex as a means of controlling my environment. How can I re-direct these feelings to a more healthy and productive avenue? It’s a
good first step that you have a strong level of self-awareness. The next step is
to consider substitutes for sex such as fantasy, self-gratification, and other
ways that you can find pleasure. It’s important for you to be honest with your
partner(s) about this issue, and, of course, it’s never okay to force sex on
anyone. You may consider therapy and/or medication. You may try a combination of
exercise/vitamin therapy/meditation and psychological counseling to deal with
past injuries that may have worsened your problem. Some people find the 12-step
model (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) works for them. By staying conscious and
being aware of this tendency, you will be able to keep yourself and your
partners safe. March 7, 2006 8:00-9:30 a.m. What can I do if I don’t comply to my instructor’s “order” and I will fail this class? Making the decision to receive the “abuse” is very stressful. If we
understand your question properly, we want to say that we are very sorry this
happened. If an instructor is “ordering” you to have sex with him or her to
get a good grade, this could be a case of sexual harassment. You have several
choices: You may report the behavior to the department chair. You may also go to
the Dean of Student Advocacy, Rights, and Responsibilities in Conlan Hall and/or
the Affirmative Action Office on March 7, 2006 8:00-9:30 a.m. Why are men so ashamed to admit they are getting abuse and lie about different situations? Men are
raised and trained to believe that they are supposed to be the protectors, so if
they are victimized, they feel they are not doing their job. Also, they are
subject to the same kind of victim-blaming we are all up against when we are
abused. Many people who do not understand how people can be trapped in an
abusive situation believe that the victim must not be “strong enough” or
“smart enough” to get out. They underestimate the manipulative powers of the
abuser. Abusive people are skilled in brainwashing and could probably get any
one of us to blame ourselves for the abuse we are receiving at their hands. This
creates a deep feeling of shame and embarrassment and keeps the victim from
saying what is truly happening to him/her. March 18, 2006 10:00-11:30 a.m. What do you do about inappropriate behavior between a three-year-old boy and a man in his 30s reported by the three-year-old? Is the boy believable? The
chances are very good the boy is experiencing some inappropriate behavior.
Please believe him. However, sometimes children say the source of the behavior
is someone other than who it actually is because they are afraid to “tattle”
on the true perpetrator. For instance, they may say a teacher is
sexually abusing them when it’s actually the father of the child. We
recommend that you call Child and Adolescent Sexual Abuse Resource Center (CASARC)
for more advice. The number is 415-206-8386. Remember that≥ if this is a
case of suspected child abuse AND you give identifying names, CASARC must report
to Child Protective Services. Any mandated reporter, such as Project SURVIVE,
would have to do the same. Finally, it’s not normal for a child to report
inappropriate behavior, so no matter what is actually happening, the child needs
some help. Do not dismiss his “cry” for it. Saturday, April 1, 2006 11:00 a.m.- 1:00 p.m. How many rapes are reported each year? How many go unreported? Between
1992 and 2000, an average of 336,000 rapes occurred each year in the Thursday, March 30, 2006 11:00-12:00 p.m . What is the statistic for the number of rapes? Between
1992 and 2000, an average of 336,000 rapes occurred each year in the March 30, 2006 2:00-3:00 p.m. My friend is one of the nicest guys. He would never hit anyone, nor does he fight. But he got arrested for hitting his girlfriend once. Can he talk or receive help? Yes. We
suggest he goes for counseling at the March 30, 2006 2:00-3:00 p.m. How do you carry on a healthy relationship with someone that's had a rape incident in her life and then has a relationship years later but still has problems working through it, even while in love? It's
important to have a lot of patience. Also, you should know that when a rape or
child sexual abuse survivor is finally in a safe and healthy relationship,
memories from that abuse feel safer to surface, which can be very challenging
for the current relationship. We recommend the book Allies in Healing: When
the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused As a Child by Laura Davis
(HarperCollins, 1991). Your partner may be interested in The Survivor's Guide
to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life after Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines
(Cleis Press, 1999). April 4, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. How do you handle a situation where someone is being abused and you want to say something? I was just thinking about sending her something in the mail. It’s
good that you want to help your friend, but please don’t send her anything in
the mail because her abuser may find it and cause her more trouble. You may want
to meet with her away from her home and tell her about our website where she can
read material: ccsf.edu/psurvive. She will find helpful links on our resource
sheet. Again, to keep the abuser from snooping, she can access at a library
site. Also, remember to review our blue sheet “How to Help a Friend in an
Abusive Relationship,” also available on our website, so that you take care of
yourself and do not fall into the “advice giving” trap, which will NOT help
your friend. April 4, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Why are men less reported to be victims compared to women? Is it because women tend to be more vulnerable? What is the first step an individual can take to prevent more rape cases from happening? There are
less reported rapes by men for two reasons: Less adult males are raped than
adult females. Also, male victims are less willing to come forward to report
that they have been raped. From anonymous surveys, we know that an adult female
is far more vulnerable to rape. We believe the reason for this is that the vast
majority of rapes are acquaintance rapes, most of which take place in
heterosexual situations where the man rapes the women. Women are less likely to
rape men because of socially conditioned roles. Boys, however, are sexual abused
at almost the same rate as girls. Finally, adult males are much more likely to
be raped by another man, either in a gay male relationship, a gay bashing
incident, or in prison. In terms
of steps an individual can take to prevent more rape cases from happening, we
recommend getting involved with prevention education. A good place to start is
The Politics of Sexual Violence class, IDST 54, at April 5, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. What if a girl is not willing to date a guy but is forced by her friends and family to date him just because he likes her a lot? She has
every right to refuse dating this guy. Pressure from family and friends is
unfair. They may be concerned about his hurt feelings, but adults need to learn
how to deal with rejection. He will be okay. Meanwhile, she needs to take care
of herself and not succumb to the unfair pressure. April 17, 2006 11:00 a.m-12:30 p.m. In a situation where two individuals are having intercourse and one decides to change his/her mind, and intercourse continues, would that be considered rape? Yes. That
would still be considered rape. At any time one person says to stop and the
other continues, it is rape. We have double-checked this with the District
Attorney’s office and are certain of the response. April 17, 2006 1:00-2:30 p.m. What if the relationship ended but the abuser still verbally abuses the victim? Is it still abuse if the behavior doesn’t stop even after the relationship is over? It is
definitely still abuse even if the relationship is over. In fact, it is quite
common for abusers to stalk victims after a relationship is ended. For this
reason ongoing safety plans need to be in place. Tuesday, April 18, 2006 1:00-2:00 p.m. My cousin is constantly abused by her spouse, but she refuses to take a stand. Is there anything that other members of the family can do in terms of pressing charges? We have all see the abuse being done. Is there anything we can do? Only your
cousin or the police, if they have evidence of abuse, can press charges. It
would not be good if you tried to go around your cousin because it would have
the effect of disempowering her and perhaps putting her at further risk.
Instead, you may want to tell her about our website (ccsf.edu/psurvive) so that
she can access it from a safe place such as the library. On the resource page
she will find links to lots of educational material that may help her decide to
change her situation. She will need to build back her self-esteem, which has
been damaged by the ongoing abuse. A support group can definitely help her. She
can call La Casa de las Madres or WOMAN, Inc. to get hooked up with a group (see
the green resource sheet). They can also help her put together a safety plan. If
you give her this information and tell her that no one will force her to do
anything she does not want to do, she may be willing to take the first step.
Good luck. April 20, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m. How do you cut off an abusive friend without hurting her/his feelings? Unfortunately,
there may be no way of cutting off an abusive friend without hurting his/her
feelings. As long as you use “I” statements, however, you have a much better
chance of keeping your friend from feeling too devastated. We recommend the book
Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and
Equality in Your Life and Relationships by Alberti and Emmons. It’s on the
blue sheet we passed out during the presentations. Please remember that it’s
far better to take care of yourself than worry about an abusive person’s
feelings. He or she is not worried about your feelings. Saturday, April 22, 2006 10:00-11:30 a.m. What kind of treatment is there for men who have been abused? Community
United against Violence (CUAV), which focuses on the queer community, will help
both gay and straight men who have been abused. Their number is on our green
resource sheet. It is 333-HELP. April 25, 2006 11:00-12:30 p.m. If a child is sexually molested at a young age, is he more likely to be abusive or molest children in the future? Although
it’s true that of the adult population that abuses children, most were abused
themselves as children, it is also true that MOST people who were abused as
children do NOT abuse children when they become adults. They may have other
problems, however, such as substance abuse, eating disorders, and/or poor
boundaries, which may make them more vulnerable to becoming victims of adult
rape. Anyone who is thinking about becoming a parent, whether or not he/she was
abused, should consider a parenting class. We have good ones at April 26, 2006 1:30-2:30 What are mandators’ responsibility to report underage sex? Under
14-15 years the child sexual abuse laws are pretty detailed, so we recommend
that you call CASARC, the Child and April 27, 2006 12:30-2:00 p.m. How many rape cases where two people are in a relationship and previously had intercourse, then the woman decides she wants to stop and he rapes her, actually go through the court system with the man charged? Only about
35% of rape cases are reported, so that gives you an idea of the low number that
would actually even go to trial. Of those that are reported and go to court,
most of those are stranger rapes. The numbers that go to court in the scenario
you described is low. But as education improves among the public, juries, and
judges, all of this will change. Twenty years ago, the reporting rate for rape
was 10%. Although it is still low, it has climbed considerably and will go
higher as we continue to teach survivors that it is NOT their fault if they are
raped, even if they had intercourse with the person before. April 27, 2006 12:30-2:00 p.m. How likely is a male who was physically abused as a child to physically abuse his future partners/wife/children? Although
it’s true that of the adult population that abuses children, most were abused
themselves as children, it is also true that MOST people who were abused as
children do NOT abuse children when they become adults. They may have other
problems, however, such as substance abuse, eating disorders, and/or poor
boundaries. Anyone who is thinking about becoming a parent, whether or not
he/she was abused, should consider a parenting class. We have good ones at April 27, 2006 12:30-2:00 p.m. If a person is raped what would he/she do? It’s
important for the person to seek medical and psychological support. He/she may
also want to pursue a rape report with the police. All of this assistance is
available at the May 2, 2006 8:00-9:30 a.m. Since rape is considered abusive, how could two people in a relationship fix that problem? We do not
recommend that people in an abusive relationship stay together. Each of them
should get separate counseling. They may decide to reunite after a year of
separate counseling, but this may not be possible because of the damage done. May 2, 2006 8:00-9:30 a.m. How do women abuse males? I guess it’s a puzzle to me due to the stereotypical roles of women being “weak,” so how can they abuse men? Remember
that we said that anyone can abuse power. It’s true that although in an
abusive/violent heterosexual relationship, over 90% of the time the woman is the
victim, there are some women who abuse men. A woman can abuse a man verbally,
and she can also batter and/or rape a man. It’s not very common, but it can
happen. Usually, however, if the woman is using violence, she is responding to
abuse with self-defense, which is healthy, or with secondary abuse, which is
unhealthy. May 2, 2006 9:30-11:00 a.m. How does a battered person get to the point where he/she leaves? Each
person has her/his own breaking point. Often s/he leaves when s/he has outside
support. This doesn’t mean that others solve her/his problems, but they offer
her/him a safe place to stay and/or assurance that the abuse is not her/his
fault and that s/he is not “crazy.” Sometimes individual counseling and
support groups help build back the person’s self-esteem which provides the
strength necessary to leave. May 2, 2006 9:30-11:00 a.m. Is help available in Most
health care providers know how to deal with domestic violence. A good place to
contact in May 2, 2006 9:30-11:00 How do you keep from still being affected by the past situation just because the name comes up or the subject comes up? How do you keep from taking or wanting to take revenge? We’re
not sure what you mean by a past situation, but the follow-up question you asked
makes us think that you may be referring to a situation where one partner
stepped out of the relationship and hurt the other partner. Whenever you are
triggered by past events and feel so angry that you want to hurt someone, it’s
good to get counseling. You are entitled to free counseling at the May 2, 2006 2:00-3:30 p.m. How do you help someone you know who had been raped but he/she refuses help and/or refuses to report it? Unfortunately,
you cannot force anyone to report a rape. Remember that the rapist has taken
control away from the person, and she/he needs to regain control. If you force
her/him to do something against her/his will, you will reinforce that
disempowerment. On the other hand, it’s okay to give the person information
about the May 2, 2006 2:00-3:30 p.m. How do you get out of a relationship that is slowly going rotten? Sometimes
counseling can help you identify the obstacles you are facing. Once you
understand them, you can work on dealing with the issues that keep you from
leaving. You may receive free counseling at the May 3, 2006 9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m. I am with a person who is getting out of a really bad relationship and has had and continues to have a hard life. How do I deal with the problems being brought from the previous relationship and give comfort and understanding when things go bad? In this
situation it’s very important that you take care of yourself and do not become
your partner’s therapist. We recommend a book on good boundary setting, such
as Where to Draw the Line: How to Set
Healthy Boundaries Everyday by Anne Katherine. There are many others
available. It sounds like your partner could gain good support from a therapist
or support group. Since there is no abuse in the relationship, you also could
consider couples counseling. May 3, 2006 10:00 a.m.-11:00 a.m. Why do women hold back on reporting their rape cases? Women
often do not report rape because most rapes are acquaintance rapes and the woman
blames herself, even though we know the rape is NOT her fault. But if she has
had sex with the person before, or went to a secluded place or apartment with
the rapist on her own free will, she either blames herself or is afraid that
others will blame her. She may feel ashamed and embarrassed. She may not want to
see herself as a rape victim. The good news is that the reporting rate is on the
rise due to education and awareness programs like Project SURVIVE. Twenty years
ago, only 10% of rapes were reported, and now 35% are reported. Rape is still
highly underreported, but this is definitely changing. The harder struggle,
which can only be won with prevention education in the homes and in K-12 grades
of school, is the reduction of the crime of rape itself. May 3, 2006 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. How can I keep from initiating the cycle of violence? It’s
hard to know if you are concerned about being the abuser or the victim from the
way you stated the question. Since we don’t believe the victim initiates the
cycle, we will assume that you are the abuser or are concerned about becoming an
abuser. We definitely recommend a support group at CUAV (Community United
against Violence). Their number on our green resource sheet is 333-HELP. They
focus on helping the queer community. You may also be interested in the book Men
Who Beat the Men Who Love Them by May 8, 2006 6:15-9:30 Can two people divorce immediately because there is abuse? Divorce is usually not a simple process, but the couple can physically separate pretty quickly. If there is physical abuse, that is what we recommend. May 10, 2006 7:30-8:25 If a person was not sure that having sex is okay or not, is a partner able to have sex? Always
make sure that your partner has consented to sex before you begin. If you are
not sure, ask if it is okay, May 11, 2006 10:00-11:00 a.m. What about when a husband talks very abusively but he says it is just a joke? Saying
that it is a joke is a defense and is a way for the husband not to admit to
abuse. This is not a healthy situation. May 11, 2006 10:00-11:00 a.m. What can I say or to do help my friends who are in abusive relationships? Unfortunately,
there is only so much you can do because it is very difficult to leave an
abusive relationship. We recommend that you carefully read the blue sheet we
handed out: “How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship.” A copy of it
is available on our website: ccsf.edu/psurvive. First, it’s necessary to
maintain good boundaries and not get drawn into your friends’ dramas. Second,
it’s important to be gentle and patient but consistent with your message. You
will only help to further lower their self-esteem if you tell them what they
should do or what they need to do. You may recommend the book You Can Be Free by Ginny NiCarthy. It is a quick read and offers
valuable information for people in abusive relationships. May 11, 2006 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m. What to do if entirely falsely accused? False
accusations are tragic. All you can do is be honest and state the truth.
Sometimes, however, you have hurt someone without knowing it, so also be open to
what the other person has to say. May 11, 2006 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m. I know this girl who has been through abusive relationships before. She never changes even though she gets help. What can she do? For many
people it takes a long time to change. Also, she may have not gotten the proper
support. It’s important for her to find a counselor and/or support group that
specializes in abusive relationships. We recommend that she call La Casa de las
Madres whose number is on our green sheet: 877-503-1850. They run excellent
support groups on repairing damage from abusive relationships. She also may want
to read Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy
and concentrate on the section that addresses how to enter a new relationship
after leaving an abusive one. May 11, 2006 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m. One of the peer educators said that couples counseling isn’t good for a couple, but what if I am not in an abusive relationship? My boyfriend and I are thinking of getting some help not because we have a bad relationship. We just want to make our relationship better. We are
glad you asked this question. Couples counseling is a very GOOD idea, as long as
there is no abuse in your relationship. May 11, 2006 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m. How can you deal with a break-up and getting over your ex? There is
no easy way to get over a break-up. Sometimes the passage of time is the only
cure. A new relationship helps, but it is NOT good to jump into one just to
forget the past one. Think about using this time to develop new friendships.
Think of activities that make you feel good. Some people like to work out; some
like to go to the movies; others like to borrow a stack of books from the
library. If your heart continues to ache after six months, consider therapy or a
support group at May 11, 2006 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m.
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