In my previous relationship there was domestic violence and I obtained a restraining order in 1998 that expired in 2001. Now he is seeking joint custody and sole physical custody of my son. He is not listed as the father on my son’s birth certificate. I filed for child support because I am the custodial parent and I have been raising my son for five years without any financial or emotional support from the abuser. How can I protect my son and myself from this abuser? What are my rights? 

We are sorry this is happening. The best advice we have is to contact the legal clinic at W.O.M.A.N., Inc. The number there is 415-864-4722. You may also want to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE. It’s best to get legal advice from an attorney who is an expert in domestic violence in the state of California. You should be able to get free to low cost advice from either of these resources. It sounds like this abuser is retaliating because you requested child support. Good luck.
September 24, 2004 9-10 a.m.
 

Are there resources for sex workers who have been raped or sexually assaulted by their clients? 

Sex workers can utilize the services at the San Francisco Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center located at 2727 Mariposa. They will be treated with courtesy and respect. September 29, 2004, 6:45-8 p.m.
 

What does one do if there are children involved? Maybe he is abusing you and now is physically/sexually abusing them?

The best solution is to leave the abuser and get counseling for the children. WOMAN, Inc. (864-4722) can offer support groups for the mother, and CASARC (206-8386) can offer counseling for the children. The sooner you can leave, the better for everyone. It’s not easy, but with the support of others, it can be done.  September 29, 2004, 6:45-8 p.m.
 

Can you talk more about emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is one of the three major forms of interpersonal abuse; the other two are physical and sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is often delivered verbally; in fact, sometimes when people are talking about emotional abuse, they use the term “verbal abuse.” Some of the ways emotional abuse is delivered is as follows:
--Keeping you away from other people
--Always  trying to control your behavior
--Humiliating you, especially in front of other people
--Putting you down, criticizing you
--Making constant demands on your time and energy
--Withdrawing affection and withholding compliments
--Making false apologies after emotionally abusive behaviors.  This information comes from You Can Be Free by Ginny NiCarthy and Sue Davidson.
October 16, 2004 11 a.m.-1 p.m.
 

How do I know how or if I need to limit expressing my anger? I am too open with communication at times and just overly express sometimes, if that is possible. 

In an honest, intimate relationship the expression of anger is important; however, it’s equally important that you communicate it in a respectful way. That would mean you would not call your partner a name; you would not try to control his/her behavior; you would not humiliate your partner, especially in front of other people; you would not put your partner down or criticize him/her on an ongoing basis; you would not withhold compliments or withdraw affection as punishment. That said, you have every right to express yourself when you are hurt/and or angry. Often when people don’t like what we have to say, they call us “overly sensitive” or “overly expressive.” Never be afraid of your emotions or of expressing them, as long as you do not do that in abusive ways. October 16, 2004 11 a.m.-1 p.m.
 

Presently, men are taught from an early age to be aggressive and women are taught to be “hard to get.” How is Project SURVIVE trying to change this?

We would like to see both aggression and passivity changed to assertive behavior, where individuals ask for what they need and want but acknowledge that a mature person can handle rejection and disappointment without hurting another.
October 22, 2004 10 a.m.-11 a.m.
 

Can a male ejaculate when he is scared? 

A man can get an erection out of fear and can also ejaculate.
October 22, 2004 10 a.m.-11 a.m.
 

Is there a counseling center for women abusers against men in their relationships?

The best place to start is WOMAN, Inc. at 864-4722. Although they generally assist women who abuse other women, they can offer advice and guidance. Sometimes when women are abusive to men, they are actually what we call secondary abusers, responding in a negative way to abuse that they receive. Before she can get help, it must be determined if she is the primary or secondary abuser. October 22, 2004 10 a.m.-11 a.m.
 

Do you do any work in conjunction with religious organizations? They’re one of the main perpetrators continuing domestic violence.

We do not work directly with religious organizations at this time; however, one of the students in the upcoming spring class is going to start to address this issue as her volunteer project. If religious leaders do not get trapped into the ideology that says wives must support their husbands no matter what, they have a lot of power to help women get out of abusive relationships. So we are aware of the problem and hope that this volunteer project will be a small step that Project SURVIVE can take to change the climate in San Francisco, at least. We also know that many religious leaders are well-informed and do a good job of counseling people out of abusive relationships. October 27, 8 a.m.-9 a.m.
 

What is it considered when a person gives into having sex or pleasing someone to prevent problems (arguments, fights, complaints, accusations)?

If a person does not consent to sex but rather submits because he or she fears for his/her physical safety or the safety of a someone else, it is legally rape. If the person submits because he/she wants to avoid arguments, verbal fights, complaints, and/or accusations, it would not be legally rape, but it would be an unhealthy situation and most likely an element of an emotionally abusive relationship if it happens in an ongoing way. 
October 29, 2004 9 a.m.-10 a.m.
 

Does CCSF have the most sexual assault charges out of other community colleges?

The campuses of City College of San Francisco are extremely safe; however, since CCSF, like all other community colleges, is a commuter school, we cannot tabulate the number of acquaintance rapes that CCSF students experience in their homes, at parties, and in cars, where acquaintance rapes tend to happen. These rapes would be reported to the SF police since, by their nature, they happen off campus. As you remember, 75-85% of rapes are acquaintance rapes. Only universities with campus dorms would be able to record acquaintance rapes that occur in university housing on their campuses.
October 29, 2004 10 a.m.-11 a.m.
 

How can we solve envy in our relationship?

Jealousy and envy stem from insecurity, so anyone who is excessively jealous or envious can change by working on improving his/her self-esteem. Therapy and support groups can help. Consider also the Psychology of Assertive Behavior, Psych 15. It’s a 1 unit class. November 4, 2004 9:30 a.m.-11 a.m.
 

How come making love was not added to the board? Or promoted? What is the difference?

We’re not sure where you wanted this added. Are you talking about the qualities of a healthy relationship? We usually add “sex,” which, of course, is another way to say “making love.” If it was not added in your presentation, please forgive the omission. If you want sex in your healthy relationship, make sure that it is consensual, safer, and fun for both partners.
November 10, 2004 8 a.m.-9 a.m.
 

What is the distinction between a fetish and abuse? Is having a fetish unhealthy?

A fetish is any object that sexually arouses a person. It could be an article of clothing or objects made of a particular material like silk or rubber. People who have fetishes may fantasize sexually or masturbate while stroking the object. Fetishes are generally harmless. They are private or used in sex with a willing partner. If a partner is not willing, only then would it be an abusive practice.  November 10, 2004 8 a.m.-9 a.m.
 

I have a friend who is overweight, and she has low self-esteem even if she denies it. She dresses in a sexy way, and guys like using her. She is always giving them blow jobs, but she never has sex with them. When they move on, she always says “why?” I try talking to her, letting her know they are using her. I try everything that you can’t even imagine, but she never listens. I can tell she is not happy with herself, and she won’t admit it. She sees a counselor, but it’s not helping, because I believe she won’t admit she has low self-esteem and craves attention a lot.

It’s really great that you care so much for your friend, but you need to be careful when you are giving her support. If you become another person in her life who, although well-meaning, is seeming to criticize her, it will only lower her self-esteem. Building self-esteem is a slow process and takes a while in counseling. If the counselor is good, he/she will recognize that your friend has a self-esteem problem, even if she will not acknowledge it herself. Only your friend can determine if the counselor is helping her or not. You could suggest a couple of short-term classes for your friend. You could even offer to take them with her because anyone can benefit from them. They are Psych 14, The Psychology of Shyness and Self-Esteem and Psych 15, Assertive Behavior. Each of these is one unit. A third class, Psych 17, The Psychology of Food, Eating, and Weight, also one unit, may help your friend as well. Remember to be very gentle as you suggest these courses. Good luck. November 11, 2004 9:30 a.m.-11:00 a.m.
 

Do many relationships make it out of an unhealthy place through therapy? Should most people go through with it?

Remember that couples counseling is not indicated for an abusive relationship. The abuser needs to join a support group, and the abused needs to repair damaged self-esteem through individual therapy and/or a support group. There is greater success for abused people than for abusers. Therapy is absolutely worth it for improved self-esteem. If the relationship is having problems unrelated to abuse, couples counseling may be effective, but don’t wait too long, or there will be no relationship worth saving. November 11, 2004 12:30-2
 

I was raped by my uncle when I was 16. He, his friend, and I went out to watch a movie, but there was none showing when we got there. So we dropped off his friend. On the way home he was drunk because he had drunk some alcohol at his friend’s house. So, being the good niece that I am, I wasn’t going to let him go alone. We grew up together like brother and sister. So there was no chance for me to even think he was capable of raping me. My question is that, in a way, I think he raped me because he was horny and drunk, not so much because he wanted to control me, but he needed to have sex. I am not condoning rape and not excusing him because he has hurt me in various ways and left me scared, but am I wrong in thinking what I do?

The main issue is that you realize that your uncle raped you and that it was not your fault. Only he can know his motivation. Perhaps, as you indicate, he was “horny and drunk.” But the fact that he raped you indicates that he abused his power and used controlling, dominating behavior to do it. A person can be “horny and drunk” and not hurt anyone because they choose not to abuse power. Rape DOES involve sex. It is not ONLY about power and control, but power and control are always major elements of this crime. You are not wrong. Your uncle was wrong. You might consider a support group at San Francisco Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center. The number is 437-3000.
November 11, 2004 2-3:30
 

What are you supposed to do when you still see, almost on a daily basis around campus, the person who did so much harm to you? Maybe I’m just soft, but my heart drops every time I pass him by, and I find myself going out of my way to avoid him. It just sucks. 

This is a very difficult situation. If, for any reason you think this person would hurt you on campus, you can go to Mark Robinson in Conlan Hall. He is the Dean of Student Rights, Responsibility, and Advocacy. You may want to obtain a restraining order so that the person has to stay away from you and you don’t have to run away from him. Things may not be this dangerous, however, and what you need instead is to deal with the anger and fear this person still brings up for you. It’s not your fault. It’s his fault. You did nothing wrong, but unfortunately you are left with these feelings. You may consider making a counseling appointment at the Student Health Center in the bungalow between Arts Extension and Creative Arts. They might refer you to a support group. You might also consider taking a self-defense class. Janet Gee’s free self defense class will begin on February 26 on Saturday mornings at the John Adams campus. This class can help repair your damaged self-esteem. We also recommend a short-term credit classes. It is one unit, and you can take it on the week-end. Look for Psychology 15: Assertive Behavior, in the Spring Time Schedule. Finally, we weren’t clear from your question, but you may be indicating that you still have romantic feelings toward this person. If we read your question right, the advice we gave you can also help you deal with those feelings. It’s natural to have them even after someone has hurt you. But when you can repair the damage the person caused you, those feelings will subside.  November 16, 2004 9:30-11:00
 

What if you are in an abusive relationship, but you don’t live with the person, so “leaving” in the sense of moving out does not apply? Is there a plan for “leaving” in this kind of situation?

It sounds like you are asking about a safety plan. If the situation has become physically violent., you may want to get a restraining order. WOMAN, Inc.’s legal clinic can help you with that. Their number is 864-4722. Project SURVIVE can mail you a safety plan tip sheet. Call our office at 239-3899 with your address. Here are some basics:
--End the relationship over the phone where the abuser cannot hurt you.
--Keep friends near you as much as possible while you are breaking up. Tell as many of them as possible that you are leaving the relationship and that you do not want the abuser to get in touch with you. Develop code words with them if you are in immediate danger.
--Lock the doors and windows in your house. Do not let your abuser in, no matter what the abuser says.
--Join one of the support groups offered by shelters in San Francisco. See our green resource sheet, or call our office for numbers. They will help you even if you are not living with the abuser.
Good luck. November 16, 2004 6:30 p.m.-7:30 p.m.
 

#10 on “What do you think?” happened to me. I was with this guy and we were having sex and he wanted to have anal sex, but I didn’t want to. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t stop. So he sodomized me. For the longest time I blamed myself, and I still do. Kind of. I think I may need counseling.

As you know, it is NOT your fault that this happened. We recommend counseling at the San Francisco Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center. Their number is 437-3000. November 16, 2004 6:30 p.m.-7:30 p.m.
 

When it comes to arguments, how often is too often?

Individuals have different limits. If it feels like you are arguing too much, you are.
November 16, 2004 6:30 p.m.-7:30 p.m.
 

How do you deal with emotional possessiveness?

Emotional possessiveness is a form of abuse. Usually the person who is emotionally possessive is insecure. The abusive person should get counseling to help him/her deal with self-esteem issues. We also recommend Psych 14: The Psychology of Shyness and Self-Esteem and Psych 15: Assertive Behavior. November 18, 2004 9:30-11:00 a.m.
 

What if you say no and they don’t stop but you start to enjoy it? Is that rape?

This is a difficult question to answer without being able to ask you for more details. In a rape situation, a person can have an orgasm, but they would not report that they enjoyed it. Our body sometimes reacts to stimulation even if we do not want the sex to occur. It sounds, however, that this may be a different kind of situation. As long as you were not afraid that you would be hurt if you did not continue the sex, as long as you were 18 or older, as long as you were sober enough to continue to say no, then it may not be legally rape. However, think very carefully about this situation. Is this the kind of sexual encounter you would like to have again? Wouldn’t it be better if you could say “yes” to sex on your own and not be pressured into it, which is what it sounds like happened here. Even if you enjoyed the sex, this kind of sex would not build a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. November 18, 2004 9:30-11:00 a.m.
 

What is the difference between sexual assault and someone just trying to have sex with you? How do you know when it has gone too far?

It has gone too far when you have made it clear that you don’t want to have sex and the other person forces you into it.  November 22, 2004 10:00-11:00 a.m.
 

What should people do if they are having sex with their partner and after that their partner gets another girlfriend on another day? 

If you want to be in a monogamous relationship where both partners agree not to see anyone else and your partner violates that rule, it’s best to consider breaking up with that person, even though it may be painful. If you haven’t had that agreement but realize that you want it, make that clear to your partner. If he/she wants to have more than one girlfriend, you may need to find someone who has the same interests as you.
November 22, 2004 10:00-11:00 a.m.
 

Some of the tips seem possible but unrealistic. For example, if someone asks a person to dinner and expects to have sex with them afterwards, the first person will never beforehand say that he/she wants to have sex. He/she will try to MAKE it happen after dinner. How do you avoid such situations?

If you know that you don’t want to have sex with a person who has asked you out, it’s better to plan a coffee date during the day in a public place which you can leave without depending on the other person for a ride. Although you are not saying “yes” to sex when you agree to a dinner date, some people mistakenly assume you are. Nevertheless, as we kept saying during the presentation, it’s never your fault if someone forces you to have sex/rapes you.  November 22, 2004 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

What if I was drunk and I provoked her to have sex with me, and she agreed, but I would not have wanted to have sex if I had not been drunk (I was still a virgin), is that rape?

If you were too drunk to refuse the sex, then this would be considered rape. If you were sober enough to give consent, then it would not be legally rape; however, it was not a good situation because your judgment was blurred by the alcohol. Don’t blame yourself, however. Just be careful about drinking in the future.
November 23, 2004 11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
 

What does a man do if he is in a relationship that is emotionally abusive and there is a child involved? If he leaves, he is told to take his child with him. There is no shelter in the Bay Area that has accommodations, so he is just stuck if he has no friends or family members he can go to.

Actually, the shelters only accept victims of physical abuse, so even a woman in this situation would have a hard time. What you describe is a very difficult situation. This parent has nowhere to go and knows that the emotional abuse is damaging to his child. We recommend counseling at Student Health Center. Often if a person is being abused, his/her self-esteem is so low that he/she cannot think of possible strategies for leaving. With a good counselor, the person can begin to solve the problem. For example, sharing an apartment with another single parent might be one way out. But the person can only come up with solutions that will work when he/she has outside support and guidance. It’s too hard to solve this problem alone. December 2, 2004 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m.
 

When is the next Janet Gee class?

The next one begins Saturday, February 26 and goes until Saturday, April 23 with no class on Saturday, March 26. December 2, 2004 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m.
 

What makes a dominant culture? And how do we discern when a dominant culture is harmful?

The concept of a “dominant culture” implies a hierarchical or “top-down” society. The dominant culture would be the ruling group in that society. For example, in the United States the dominant culture is white, male, upper middle to upper class, heterosexual, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant, English speaking, able-bodied, adult, and traditionally gendered. We know this by observing the characteristics of the members of the upper echelons of prominent institutions, such as government, media, education, military, law enforcement, corporations, and organized religion. 

Each dominant culture characteristic that a particular individual possesses gives that person a certain amount of dominant culture power, power sanctioned by institutions through various privileges. For example, in most university classrooms, male students generally appear entitled—through their own beliefs, the beliefs of the female students, and through the practices of most professors (even feminist identified ones, the research shows)—to speak more often than female students. Another example of dominant culture power in the United States is white privilege, which historically has manifested itself in easier access to jobs, housing, and good education for white people. The more characteristics of the dominant culture you possess, the more privileges you accrue. If you go against this system, you risk emotional, physical, and/or sexual injury. Finally, just because you don’t have many or any dominant culture characteristics does NOT mean you are powerless. There are other sources of power: your own inner strength and the power of working with people who are targeted by the dominant culture. 

At Project SURVIVE we believe that hierarchical systems which support the existence of a dominant culture are always harmful. This is a radical stand, which we are proud to take. February 10, 2005, 2:00-3:00 p.m.
 

What is the sentence for rape in the first degree?

This is a hard question to answer because we need to know in which state the rape occurred, if it was the rapist’s first offense, the age of the rapist, and other variables. Sentences can vary from months, to years, to life. February 10, 2005, 2:00-3:00 p.m.
 

How does pornography (gay and straight) glorify and promote rape and abuse?

This is a leading question because it assumes that pornography glorifies and promotes rape and abuse. Some experts believe that pornography which involves rape and other forms of violence influences people to participate in acts of violence in their real lives. Other experts believe that the causes of rape and violence in our real lives stem from inequities in the culture such as sexism and other top down/hierarchical institutional oppressions. Violent pornography reflects rather than affects the culture, say these experts. Also, porn is complicated because some people participate in sado-masochistic sex practices where participants have agreed on certain acts of violence, such as slapping a partner or forcing a partner into humiliating acts. The difference between s and m activity and actual abuse is that in s and m the partners negotiate what they each want and establish a code or safe word that either can use if the “play” has gone too far. If the “play” does not stop, THEN it becomes abuse. Some so-called violent porn is demonstrating s and m play, not actual acts of violence.  February 10, 2005, 2:00-3:00 p.m.
 

When the woman is the one that batters the man, where can the female abuser go to seek help? 

She can call WOMAN, Inc. because they have contacts for groups for female abusers, although most of the people the abusers in this group victimize are other women. It’s also important to determine whether the woman is responding to primary abuse with secondary abuse or if she is the actual primary abuser. That determination is extremely important before she joins a support group. The secondary abuser is the actual victim who has begun to fight back in unhealthy ways. February 22, 2005 1-4 p.m.
 

Do hotlines exist specifically for men who are victims of sexual violence? Or are there sexual violence hotlines which provide their listeners with training specific to men? 

The best local hotline for women and men who are victims of sexual violence is SFWAR (415) 647-7273.  February 22, 2005 1-4 p.m.
 

Why is there a statute of limitations on rape? What is the government’s/law’s reasoning behind this? 

The statute of limitations is ten years. Usually the rape prosecution can go forward at that late date due to an admission by the perpetrator, other victims and/or other witnesses

coming forward, or DNA evidence. The reason for the statute of limitations is that it is very hard for someone to defend him/herself after more than ten years have passed.
February 22, 2005 1-4 p.m.
 

What if my partner has an abusive personality but he is not abusing me? Do you think he will abuse me in the future?

Yes. We think he will become abusive unless he receives some kind of help, such as individual therapy. We recommend Your Perfect Right  by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons to you and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans so that you may watch for signs of abuse and defend yourself against them. Good luck.
March 2, 2005 11 a.m.-12 p.m.
 

What if the victim was raped and threatened by the rapist that he/she was going to harm the victim’s family if they reported to the police and the rapist is connected to a gang? 

This is a very difficult question to answer because we need more details. The victim would have to proceed extremely cautiously. We suggest asking for advice from the San Francisco Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center. They can assess the situation and give the victim possible options without reporting any of the details to the police, if the victim so chooses. March 2, 2005 11 a.m.-12 p.m.
 

How does a person prevent a strong sexual drive from causing a rape?

We do not believe rape is caused by a strong sexual drive. We believe rape is caused by someone who is hurt and angry and wants to hurt someone else. He or she commits the rape to exert power and control. Although sex is used as the weapon and although sex may have been part of the situation (in an acquaintance rape), if someone forces sex on someone against that person’s will, he/she is not doing it because of a strong sex drive. Remember that no matter how strong the drive, if a policeman approached the rapist in the act and told him/her to stop, the rapist would stop. The sex drive, while powerful, is not uncontrollable. March 2, 2005 11 a.m.-12 p.m.
 

What can you do if someone needs help but they tell you not to tell anyone about it? 

The best approach is to stay open to that person and continue to be there for her/him. Every so often you can offer that person options, such as resource organizations and self-help books. Be careful not to betray the person’s confidence, but if you are very worried about the person hurting him or herself, give the person the number for the Suicide Prevention Hotline (781-0500). Without telling the name of your friend, you probably should get some advice from someone you trust so that you are not alone with this burden. You need to be able to take care of yourself as well.
March 7, 2005 8:30 a.m.-9:30 a.m.; ISA High School
 

How do you get out of an abusive relationship?

Start by telling friends and/or family that you trust. Let them know that you want support in ending the relationship. If you can, simply tell the person that you need to leave, and then do it. The abuser may become very nice to you, offering that he/she or change. Please remember that these are false promises. All of this becomes more complicated, of course, if you are living with the person and/or have children with the person. If there is physical abuse, prepare a safety plan. A good resource is La Casa de las Madres. They have a teen hot-line. Call them at 877-923-0700.
March 7, 2005 8:30 a.m.-9:30 a.m.; ISA High School
 

One year ago, I was involved in a relationship. I am beginning to realize that the relationship has really caused me problems. Even though I’m not with that person and will never be, because of what happened in that relationship, it is hard for me to accept myself being in another relationship with someone else. My question is “why is it hard for me to begin a new relationship and trust someone new?”

It’s a little hard to answer your question completely because we’re not sure what happened in that relationship, but it seems like a serious betrayal of your trust occurred. It’s a good idea for you to consider visiting the Student Health Center at City College for a few sessions of free counseling. Also, you may consider a support group on relationships. Unfortunately, they close early in the semester, so you wouldn’t be able to do that until the fall. Also, look at our yellow sheet “Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality.” You can watch for these signs early in a relationship and not engage in anything serious with someone who exhibits these signs. (The hand-out is on our website if you no longer have it: www.ccsf.edu/psurvive.) Remember that a person will be nice, charming, and friendly at the start, but look for subtle signs of controlling, undermining behavior. If you don’t see those signs, the person may be someone you can consider dating. Good luck.
March 16, 2005 9:00-10:00 a.m.
 

What’s the difference between sexual abuse and sexual harassment?

Sexual abuse generally refers to abuse between people who are familiar with each through family or other interpersonal relationship ties. Sexual harassment is a legal term, which refers to unwanted sexual behavior in a workplace or educational setting. There are two ways it can occur: creating a hostile environment or what’s called quid pro quo, which means “this for that” in Latin, referring to an employer or professor asking for sexual favors in exchange for a raise or a good grade, for example.  March 16, 2005 9:00-10:00 a.m.
 

What can a husband and wife do if they are both fighting with each other in arguments that turn into a crazy fight where they hurt each other. Both go at it, and they know it is not right. What can they do? They both want help.

First, it’s important to determine if abuse is happening. Is there name-calling? Do they put each other down? Do they criticize one another using insults and disrespect? If so, then abuse is occurring. The next step is to determine if one person is responsible for initiating the abuse and the other is responding to it with abuse. Often the initiator feels no guilt and no fear. The other person feels lots of guilt and shame and also some fear. In this case the couple should get separate counseling. If, on the other hand, each feels the angry behavior does not fall into this category, couples counseling can help. We also recommend Psychology 15, a one unit course on Assertive Behavior. The course teaches you to respond to stress with assertive, not aggressive behavior. The book we recommend is Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons.  March 16, 2005 9:00-10:00 a.m.
 

What if your mom is being verbally abused by a guy who she is married to? He recently returned from Iraq with a head injury from a bomb blowing up. What should you do? 

Even though I’m sure you have a lot of sympathy for what your mother’s husband has been through, this does not mean his behavior should be excused. You may consider talking to your mom about what you learned in the Project SURVIVE presentation. We recommend Ginny NiCarthy’s book called You Can Be Free and Getting Free to help your mom determine her options. The best book,, however, for her is probably The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She, of course, may be reluctant to leave him, and you will need to practice patience. Your mother can use your clear thinking and non-judgmental support. Her husband needs counseling, but he may not be willing to seek it out. The Veterans Administration should be able to offer support to him when he is ready. But he is not your responsibility. March 16, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

What do you do if a friend is being abused but she doesn’t want to get out of the relationship? 

Your friend can use the same kind of support we suggested in the previous answer. Look at the books. Be supportive. Don’t criticize your friend. Be there for her. Remind her of her options. Praise her for her strengths. Take care of yourself. There is only so much you can do. Your friend must make this decision herself, but if she decides to leave, she will need your support. That’s when you will really be able to help her. But it may take a while.  March 16, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

Should you tell your boyfriend that you were once sexually harassed in the past if you are scared to be with him?

Yes. Honesty can help in this situation, and counseling can help you overcome your fears. We also suggest a book: The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.
March 16, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

What do you think of the best sex relationship?

Unfortunately, it was a little hard to understand this question. We already talked about the qualities of a healthy relationship, which include honesty, trust, respect, good communication, equality, fun, healthy arguments, and good sex. Remember good sex must be safe sex, and it must be mutually satisfying to both partners. If one partner wants sex and the other does not, but sexual intercourse takes place without consent, this is rape, not sex. So make sure you know what your partner wants, and if she/he wants to have sex with you, make sure you know what makes him/her feel good, and be sure to tell him/her what you like as well.  March 17, 2005 8:00 a.m.-9:30 p.m.
 

How long does it take for a victim to recover from a rape or abuse? If the victim has been in a rape situation before, can they still get help/support?

This question is difficult without having more specific circumstances. Generally, with proper counseling and medical attention, a rape survivor will be feeling much better within a year. However, rape is a trauma, and the effects are always with you. This does not mean your life is ruined or that you will never be happy again or that you will never enjoy sex again. You can go on to have a happy, fulfilling life and good sex with a trusting partner. The traumas we experience as human beings, if attended to properly, make us stronger, more compassionate people. We don’t wish them on anyone, but we can make of them a transformative, growth experience. It is never too late to get help. A number of people in rape support groups come there twenty years after the rape because they never told anyone and they now know there is non-judgmental support for them.
April 13, 2005 10:00-11:00 a.m.
 

Among all ethnicities, which women are raped the most?

The U.S. Department of Justice found no significant differences in the rate of rape/sexual assault among racial groups (1997). The group most vulnerable to rape is youth 16 to 19 years old. April 13, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
 

Though it is definitely in the minority percentage of occurrences in heterosexual relationships, can the woman be an abuser? I feel ashamed to even ask, but how do I sometimes know if I’m not being abused.

It is possible for the woman to be the abuser in a heterosexual relationship, so do not feel ashamed to ask this question. However, what we know is that often in a heterosexual abusive relationship, a woman who is being abused will become what is called the “secondary abuser/aggressor.” She may fight back in unhealthy ways. While we do not excuse her behavior, which can include name-calling and even non-self-defensive/aggressive physical violence, she is NOT the cause of the original violence. She is the one who is afraid and the one who blames herself for everything. Although the primary abuser may offer apologies during the honeymoon phase, they are false apologies. He feels neither real fear nor does he accept real responsibility. That said, the woman COULD be the primary abuser. The key questions are: Who feels afraid? Who feels guilty? That person is NOT the primary abuser.  April 13, 2005 1:00-2:00 p.m.
 

Please talk about how to report rape if you know the person. What steps should you take?

After you’ve been raped, visit the San Francisco Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center on Mariposa Street. It is connected to SF General and is equipped with sensitive medical personnel, who will help you collect evidence (within 72 hours of the rape), give you a pregnancy test if necessary, and provide for HIV/STI tests. They can give you an HIV prophylactic that prevents transmission of the AIDS virus, but it must be administered within 72 hours of contact. They will call the police if you want to make a formal report. Also, if you choose, you may want to contact San Francisco Women against Rape who can provide you with a medical and legal advocate. The advocate can go with you to the Treatment Center and accompany you to court if your case goes to trial. Of course, since the attacker is someone you know, you need to take special precautions to avoid retaliation. The Treatment Center and SFWAR can help you set up a safety plan. Both TC and SFWAR can also provide support group counseling to deal with the emotional effects of the rape. All of these services are sliding scale to free.
April 15, 2005 9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m.
 

What do you think about men raping other men in prison? Do you think the government knows what’s going on or do you think they don’t? 

We believe that the government and the prison administration know about the rapes that occur in prison and look the other way. It is part of the brutal prison system in the United States. The sad fact is that young people convicted of victimless crimes, mainly drug offenses, are sent to prison where they encounter violence—rapes, beatings, intimidations—and leave more violent than when they entered. Instead of being sent to drug rehab programs, they are turned into hardened criminals. We agree with the analysis of Critical Resistance, an organization that defends the rights of prisoners and examines what they call the “prison-industrial complex.” This refers to the profit-making prison industry that brings in money for prison construction at the same time it controls youth in poor communities by sending them to prison. Instead of money for education, which would provide opportunities for youth to find jobs and other alternatives to drug dealing, money is spent on incarceration.  April 15, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

What is the conviction rate for rapists?

Out of every 100 rapes that occur, about six rapists are convicted. The D. A. would tell you that he/she has high convictions rates, which is true, but that does not account for all of the rapes that are not reported. Only about 39% of rapes are reported. Fifteen years ago the rate was closer to 10%. So the fact that more people are reporting means that victims have begun to realize that the rape is not their fault, that they have nothing to be ashamed about, and that they will receive fair treatment. Nonetheless, most rapes that go to trial are stranger rapes, which are only about a quarter of all rapes that occur. How do we know this if so few are reported? We get this information from anonymous surveys. (Statistics taken from the 2003 National Crime Victimization Survey).
April 15, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

How is your organization stopping the violence against African American men when the media play the race card? What is your service doing about the African American healthy relationship? 

Since we are a prevention education organization, we work toward stopping racist stereotypes about African American men raping white women by informing the people we educate of the facts. We do that through our orange hand-out “Cultural Differences,” where we discuss how rape was systematically used by white slave owners against enslaved black women during slavery. The lie and racist stereotype promoted by the media that “black men rape white women” is a dangerous myth. This kind of interracial rape rarely happens. In “What do you think?” question #6, we talk about how 80-90% of all rapes occur within a person’s own “race,” culture, or ethnicity. Regarding your question about the African American healthy relationship, we promote healthy relationships among people in all cultures. We do know that racism hurts communities of color in a variety of ways, and one of those ways is the threat to interpersonal relationships within those communities. In “The Politics of Sexual Violence” class we teach about how fear and insecurity spawns violence. A racist government fears the power of people of color, so it brutalizes those communities. A sexist man fears the power of his wife, so he brutalizes her. If we are secure with our power, we use it to help people, not hurt them. By raising healthy, self-loving children and educating youth in strategies for non-violent conflict resolution, we can increase healthy relationships in all of our communities, and we can produce more people willing to resist political oppression of all kinds.  April 15, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

Why do children get molested, especially in poor countries?

We don’t have any evidence that molestation of children occurs at a higher rate in poor countries. We do know that children—mostly young women--are sometimes sold into sexual slavery in countries where rates of poverty are very high. Desperate parents mired in poverty often do not know that they are giving their daughters up to the slave trade. But it’s important to be aware of the fact that the molestation of children is a serious problem right here in the United States in ALL socio-economic classes. To answer the question “why do children get molested?” we have to look at a hierarchical top-down system that puts children at the bottom. In this kind of system if people with power over other people are insecure, if they have been seriously injured themselves, they will sometimes use that power to hurt people, to dominate them, to intimidate them, to control them. Sex is a powerful force and can be abused by insecure people to intimidate, control and manipulate people who are vulnerable, such as children.  April 15, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.
 

If I do not want to have sex but my partner wants to, how can I say “no” without being afraid of causing tension in the relationship.

In a healthy relationship where each partner respects the needs and wishes of the other, a partner would not be afraid of causing tension in the relationship if she/he said “no” to sex when the other partner wanted it. However, if one partner always wants sex, and the other does not, the two people need to examine the problem. Perhaps there is sexual incompatibility. In other words, one partner likes and needs to have more sex than the other one does. They can decide to part, or they can decide to find a way to deal with this incompatibility without causing tension. Perhaps they can find other ways to demonstrate affection and increase intimacy. But they may not be incompatible. It may be that the partner who wants more sex only knows how to give him/herself sexual pleasure and has not been paying attention to his/her partner’s needs. The partner who has been refusing sex needs to speak up and say what is wrong, and the other partner needs to listen and respond to his/her partner’s sexual needs. It involves honest, trusting communication. Without it, sex will not be mutually satisfying.  April 15, 2005 2:00-3:00 p.m.
 

Is it wrong to be the driver when you are a girl, or should the male take you?

It is perfectly fine for the girl to be the driver. It allows her to have more control over the situation. Since men tend to have more power in the larger culture, this helps to equalize their power. Of course, there are other ways to equalize power, such as paying your own way and speaking your mind even if the man does not agree.
April 15, 2005 2:00-3:00 p.m.
 

How do you get out of an abusive relationship even though you still want to be that person’s friend because you love him/her? Should you still keep in contact? 

We believe it is not a good idea to stay in contact with someone who has abused you even though you may still want to be his/her friend, even though you may still love him/her. The reason is that the abuser has lowered your self-esteem, so the abusive person can still manipulate and control you and may even convince you to take another try at the relationship. Instead, you should find a good support group through a shelter (see our green resource sheet) where the counseling is free. Whether your abuse was physical and/or emotional, the support group will build back your self-esteem. If your abuser gets help for at least a year, and you are feeling better about yourself and he/she appears to have made serious changes, then you can consider a friendship, but never before. Chances are that when you are out of the relationship and feeling better about yourself, you will not want contact with someone who has abused you.  April 19, 2005 8:30 a.m.-9:30 a.m.
 

You say that the law says it’s not okay for a husband to rape his wife, but what about the situation where a woman is brought up to satisfy and obey, meet the needs of her husband, is it then okay and not rape? What about in an arranged marriage? 

This is an important question. Some women who were raised to obey their husbands and who were trained to meet all of his needs do not believe they have the right to say “no” to sex. If they are saying “yes” because they are afraid they will be hurt if they say “no,” then this is legally rape. If they are doing it out of duty and obligation but not out of fear, it is not legally rape, but we would not call it a healthy relationship. Of course, even in those situations where women have sex as part of their wifely duties or in a situation of an arranged marriage, the husband may be sensitive to the wife’s needs and she may be experiencing sexual satisfaction, which would contribute to the health of the relationship. April 19, 2005 6:30 p.m-7:30 p.m.
 

When I went to the police and complained about being raped, I told them I was 15 years old and he was 21. I told him to stop, and he didn’t. I was very drunk, and he still raped me. The police made me feel like I was lying because I had waited three years to complain. I didn’t want my parents to know, so I waited until I was 18 to tell the police. They said I should just seek therapy and discouraged me from following through. Does this happen often? 

We are so sorry that you were raped, and we are also sorry that the police declined to help you. We can’t say how often this happens, but we’re afraid that it happens too often when the victim is drunk. Unfortunately, a drunk victim does not make a good witness. However, in your case, because you were under 18 and he was so much older, he could have easily been charged with statutory rape. It is very dangerous that the police did not investigate because the chances are that this man is raping other young women. We recommend you talk to a counselor at SF Women against Rape or at the SF Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center to see if they can get you better legal advice. They can also offer you therapy. The police were right about the usefulness of therapy, but they were wrong about not taking your story and making an investigation. Good luck.
April 20, 2005 8:00-9:00 a.m.
 

How often is law enforcement educated about domestic violence/sexual violence?)

Law enforcement receive training about domestic violence/domestic violence when they attend the police academy. They return to the academy every two years for updates in the law and best practices.  April 20, 2005 6:30-8:00 p.m.
 

How many times can an abuser be arrested and not charged (when the victim is non-compliant)? 

In California, even if the victim is non-compliant, if the police have evidence of physical battery, they can arrest and press charges.  April 20, 2005 6:30-8:00 p.m.
 

Aren’t there ways to track down the victim after they leave the abuser? 

Unfortunately, there are ways for the abuser to track down the victim after she/he leaves the abuser. That’s why we recommend putting together a safety plan and going to a secret location, such as a shelter. It is a sad fact that sometimes the victim has to move to another city, assume a new identity, and give up friends and resources in her/his hometown in order to stay safe. But that safety is worth those sacrifices. She/he can build a healthy, free new life.  April 25, 2005 9:00-10:00 a.m.
 

Have you ever dealt with domestic violence relationships with students here at City College?

Yes. Students come to our office for resources and referrals on domestic violence that they are experiencing in their relationships. Also, in our evaluations some students say they are grateful for the presentation because it has helped them to identify their relationship as abusive. April 25, 2005 9:00-10:00 a.m.
 

Is having a relationship with a married man necessarily abusive? 

No. A relationship with a married man is not necessarily abusive, although all three individuals involved may be hurt by the situation, especially the wife of the married man and the other person he is involved with. April 26, 2005 9:30- 11:00 a.m.
 

How do you know if you’ve been given a date rape drug?

Here are common date rape drugs and their effects:
Rohypnol, commonly known as “roofies” will cause you to feel intoxicated, beyond the effects of regular alcohol consumption. It slurs speech, impairs judgment, and makes walking difficult. It causes partial amnesia so victims are often unable to remember certain events experienced while under the drug’s influence. The effect appears ten to twenty minutes after taking the drug and last between four and twenty-four hours.

Gamma Hydroxybutrate (GHB, known as “grievous bodily harm”) produces euphoria and has a sedative effect. 

If you experienced any of these symptoms after drinking something—it could even be a glass of water that was not always in your eyesight—you may have been given a date rape drug. April 26, 2005 1:00-2:00 p.m.
 

How should you handle a 23-year-old marriage if you are still in love with your husband and just found out within the last six months that he has been lying and cheating throughout the entire relationship and he denies it. He continues to do it. I love him and choose not to leave. He frequents prostitutes—17-year-olds. I have been watching every action, and he is still doing it, even after he swears he is not. I am so disturbed about this—and alone. I have no family here in the states. I believe he has contracted herpes, and who knows what else? 

We are sorry that you are experiencing such a painful situation. The first step we advise is to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases including HIV. Next use condoms when you are having sex with your husband so that you don’t contract any diseases. If he objects, you will have to decide what you want to do. It’s probably a good idea for you to get some counseling. You may visit a counselor at Student Health before the semester ends, and she can give you a referral (low cost if necessary) for a counselor you can see during the summer. We also recommend the assertive behavior class offered at the college in the fall. Psychology 15 is a week-end class with one unit of credit. If you can build support for yourself, you can decide what you want to do about your marriage. It is very difficult to make this kind of decision without support. There are counselors who can help you.  But make sure you do not see a counselor who tells you what to do. A good counselor will build your confidence so that you can make your own decisions. Good luck.
April 27, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
 

How is it possible for a woman to rape a man? 

A woman can rape a man anally with a foreign object. Also, a man can get an erection out of fear. Usually, however, women do not legally rape men. Instead, a woman may manipulate a man into having sex he does not want to have. He does not say “no,” is not intoxicated beyond consent ability, is of age, and does not fear for his life, so it is not legally rape, but it is not healthy sex.  April 27, 2005 1:00-2:30 p.m.
 

I was raped while I was passed out from drinking. I went to the police, but they told me they weren’t able to bring a case against him because there was not enough evidence. Why is that true? I woke up with him on top of me. Isn’t that enough evidence to press charges?

We are very sorry this happened. It’s a sad fact that police are often not willing to pursue rape charges when the victim is drunk because she/he does not make a very good witness. We suggest that you speak to someone at San Francisco Women against Rape and or San Francisco Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center about the specifics of the rape. They may be able to give you legal advice and assess your chances of going forward. It’s difficult at this point if you did have medical evidence collected, but not impossible. It may be that this particular man has other cases like this with insufficient evidence, and if the evidence mounts up, at some point a charge WILL go forward. Your story matters. Call SFWAR and/or SFTRRTC. April 27, 2005 1:00-2:30 p.m.
 

Can an old man change his behavior? 

It depends on the behavior and what kind of help the man receives. It is difficult to change life-long patterns, but it can happen. People can recover, for instance, from life-long substance abuse. We don’t have good research on success rates for changing physical abuse behaviors. We have some anecdotal evidence that support groups can help some. Sadly, sometimes the batterer may stop physical abuse but will turn to verbal abuse or other manipulative behaviors. The best protection we have is prevention, which means educating young people in non-violent behaviors.  April 28, 2005 12:30-2:00 p.m.
 

Do you think there are relationships with equal amounts of abuse on both sides? 

We actually do not believe abuse operates this way. We believe there is a primary abuser, and sometimes the victim becomes a secondary abuser, responding not in self-defense but in abusive ways to the primary abuse. Generally, if you separated them and asked each a series of questions, you would discover that the secondary abuser is afraid of the primary abuser and that he/she takes responsibility for the problem. Meanwhile, the primary abuser does not fear the secondary abuser and takes no responsibility, blaming the victim for the “bad situation.” The primary abuser may offer false apologies and promises during the “honeymoon” or hearts and flowers stage of the cycle of violence.
April 28, 2005 12:30-2:00 p.m.
 

How do you know if a woman raped another woman? Is penetration needed to denounce that person? One friend (a girl) forced her girlfriend to kiss her and then she put her finger into her girlfriend’s vagina. Is that rape?

Legally, forced penetration--including forced sodomy--and forced oral copulation constitute the act that defines "rape." Other acts may be classified as sexual battery or child sexual abuse, depending on the age of the victim.

The acts that constitute a felony are as follows:
            Forced penile-vaginal penetration (legally called rape)
            Forced oral copulation
            Forced sodomy (penile-anal penetration)
            Forced penetration of genital or anal openings with a foreign object, instrument,   
                 or device, including any part of the body except a sexual organ

The term sexual assault is an umbrella term that includes all of the above. In lay person’s language, we often refer to all of the acts as rape.  They all carry felony charges.

Based on the above definitions it sounds like this woman committed both sexual battery and “rape” under the category of “forced penetration of genital or anal openings with any part of the body."  May 3, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
 

Does Puerto Rico have the same domestic violence laws as the United States? 

Here is what we discovered about the domestic violence legislation in Puerto Rico. It is progressive and comparable to laws in the United States. This information comes directly from website http://www.dollarman.com/puertorico/domesticviolence.html.

Law 54 of August 15, 1989, law for the prevention of and intervention with domestic violence, as amended, states that the Government of the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, repudiates domestic violence which is contrary to the values of peace, dignity and respect held in esteem by the citizens, the families and the community. It is public policy to stimulate the development, establishment and reinforcement of effective remedies that bring protection and assistance to the victims, alternatives for the rehabilitation of offenders and strategies for prevention of domestic violence. Domestic violence is defined in the above cited law as a constant pattern of conduct using physical force or psychological violence, intimidation or persecution against one person by the spouse, former spouse, consensual partner or former consensual partner, in order to cause physical damage to the person or the personal property of that person, or to cause grave emotional damage.
May 3, 2005 11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
 

How effective is it to report to the police? Don’t they usually get mean, abusive, or just ignore it? 

Unfortunately, sometimes police who have not been trained well react in the ways you have described; however, generally the SFPD have been trained to react with respect. The best strategy is to contact SF Women Against Rape to get an advocate to accompany you to the hospital and to be there when you give your report to the police. You will have their support, and it is unlikely that the police will mistreat you in their presence. The place to go for your medical exam is the SF Trauma Recovery and Rape Treatment Center associated with SF General. You will be in the care of a highly trained team who will make sure you are treated with respect. Having your SF WAR advocate by your side gives you additional support.  May 4, 2005 1:00-2:30 p.m.
 

Is it rape without intercourse (any kind of penetration) or is that just called sexual assault?
Please explain about rape/assault from the sexual coercion situation. 

Legally, forced penetration--including forced sodomy--and forced oral copulation constitute the act that defines "rape." Other acts may be classified as sexual battery or child sexual abuse, depending on the age of the victim.            

The acts that constitute a felony are as follows:
            Forced penile-vaginal penetration (legally called rape)
            Forced oral copulation
            Forced sodomy (penile-anal penetration)
            Forced penetration of genital or anal openings with a foreign object, instrument,
                 or device, including any part of the body except a sexual organ

The term sexual assault is an umbrella term that includes all of the above. In lay person’s language, we often refer to all of the acts as rape.  They all carry felony charges equal to rape charges even if each one of them does not have the legal designation of rape.

Any time someone says no; or cannot give consent due to being underage or under the influence of drugs or alcohol or unconscious in any other way; or is afraid to give consent, we call it forced, and this is against the law.  May 4, 2005 1:00-2:30 p.m.
 

What do you do if a young child tells you they have been touched?

It’s important to get as much information as you can and then to confront the person the child says touched them in a sexually inappropriate way. We need, however, to add that sometimes children will say a teacher has done this to them when it is a family member. They do this because they are afraid to point to the family member. It’s very important to take the child’s story seriously and to investigate using caution and discretion.
May 4, 2005 1:00-2:30 p.m.
 

How do you get a restraining order on an abusive pimp who is homeless? I’ve tried, and he was not served because he is homeless.

Anyone can serve a person. Perhaps you have some friends who knows where he hangs out and can serve him. They have to get him to admit who he is, and then they put the order in his hands. To confirm this procedure, contact the Cooperative Restraining Order at 415-864-1790.  May 4, 2005 2:00-3:30 p.m.
 

Is a guy considered raped if he does not want to have sex.

It is not legally rape if he did not say no, if he was of age and sober enough to give consent, and he was not afraid to withhold consent. But if he did not want to have sex and had it anyway, it’s unhealthy and possibly abusive, just not legally rape.
May 6, 2005 12:00-1:00 p.m.
 

Are sex workers less vulnerable to rape in Nevada where sex work is legal?

We were not able to find statistics on this issue. If you send us your e-mail, we will send you a better answer once we have more time to research your question. Send your e-mail address with the question re-stated to lsimon@ccsf.edu  May 6, 2005 12:00-1:00 p.m.
 

My partner’s family is abusive. The last time they were all together his brother broke his jaw. In spite of this my partner still wants to get together with his family. I think that is a bad idea, but he doesn’t want to hear me. Is there anything I can do to protect him? Do you have any suggestions for help in convincing him to stay away from them?

We suggest you use the advice on the blue sheet “How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship.” It’s important that you let your partner make his own decisions. If you can find ways to build his self-esteem through love and trust, he will be less likely to want to be in this abusive situation. The more you push him not to go, the more you are trying to control him, which is what his family does. He’s hooked into a cycle with them and will see you as a troublemaker. Meanwhile, your attempts to protect him will end up damaging his self-esteem because you are one more person telling him what to do. Of course, you have every right to refuse to see his family. As you offer patience, love, and trust, you may see your partner making healthier decisions for himself.  May 10, 2005 6:45-7:45 p.m.
 

I believe a friend of mine is being verbally abused. He is always mad at her if she doesn’t call him back ASAP. He cusses and says hurtful things to her and wants her to stop hanging out with her friends. She doesn’t want to leave him because she “loves” him so much. Is there any program or counseling she could go to to get help? 

It’s true that your friend is being verbally abused. We recommend Patricia Evans’ book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. If she is willing to read it, she may begin to understand what is happening to her. The verbal abuse may eventually lead to physical violence, but even if it does not, the verbal abuse is horribly damaging. She can join a support group at La Casa de las Madres (877-503-1850) or WOMAN, Inc (864-4722).  May 12, 2005 10:00 a.m.-11:00 a.m.
 

Is there really no one who wants to be raped? Why doesn’t the government restrict porno about rape?

We believe that no one wants to be raped or beaten As we say in our hand out, some people engage in sado-masochistic sex play where one partner dominates the other, but each person agrees to the terms ahead of time and the submissive partner has a safe word to say if he/she wants the play to stop.

We do not believe that pornography causes rape, although some people do. We believe the causes of rape are abusive political systems, negative social conditioning, and psychological insecurities. Banning pornography would not stop rape.  We believe that transforming political systems and social conditioning, and healing personal injuries would reduce the number of people who want to hurt other people. May 12, 2005 1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m.