What are the chances of a child who is reared in a different environment becoming violent, if the child realizes that the child’s father has a history of domestic violence?

The practice of interpersonal violence comes from environmental influences, so if the child is reared in a non-violent environment, he or she will be unlikely to practice interpersonal violence. Violence is not inherited; it is taught. All human beings are hard-wired to use self-defense and violence when threatened, but we have to be taught to use that potential to harm someone who is not threatening us. Growing up in an abusive home teaches that lesson, although even people who grow up in abusive homes can make the decision NOT to perpetuate that cycle.  September 17, 2003 1-2 p.m.
 

How many people are abused in a year? 

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend per year to 3.9 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners per year in the United States. (Family Violence Prevention Fund).  September 17, 2003 1-2 p.m.
 

Do violent relationships happen often between boy and girl friends?

There is physical abuse in about 25% of all relationships—teen and adult, gay and straight. (Family Violence Prevention Fund).  September 17, 2003 1-2 p.m.
 

What can a newlywed couple who would like to work things out do at home and outside of therapy?

Unfortunately, we are not sure of what you mean with this question. Is the couple having a problem with physical and/or emotional abuse? If that’s the case and they do not want to go to therapy, we recommend looking at the books that we list on the blue sheet “How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship.” Please call the Project SURVIVE office at 239-3899 or e-mail us at lsimon@ccsf.edu if we didn’t answer the question properly.
September 17, 2003 1-2 p.m.
 

Why do you give these presentations?

We give these presentations because we believe that not everyone understands what a healthy relationship looks like or what characteristics constitute an abusive relationship. Once people can identify whether the relationship they are in is abusive, they can begin to find strategies for leaving that relationship. Also, they will know what to look for in a healthy relationship.  October 1, 2003 11 a.m.-12 p.m.
 

Why is a male-female relationship necessary? What should be the object of such a relationship?

A male-female relationship is not necessary. Only people who identify themselves as heterosexual would be interested in such a relationship. Same-sex relationships between two men or between two women can be just as satisfying, depending on a person’s sexual orientation. Finally, not everyone needs an intimate relationship to be happy, but many people are interested in intimate relationships.  October 1, 2003, 12-1p.m.
 

I was raped a long time ago but wasn’t sure until now. I still remain friends with him. Is that wrong? I feel used and hurt.

Now that you know what to call what happened, I think it would be good if you could talk honestly with your “friend.” Feeling used and hurt will interfere with any other positive feelings you may have. You may want to get some counseling at Student Health so that you can find a good way to approach your “friend.” You may also be interested in a support group at SF Rape Treatment and Trauma Recovery Center. If your “friend” gets defensive or in any other way does not listen to your feelings and concerns, you may want to consider ending the friendship because its foundation is not healthy.  October 20, 2003 12-2 p.m.
 

How can we get out of an abusive relationship? Do you have any suggestions?

 It’s very difficult to get out of an abusive relationship without support. That’s why we recommend telling supportive family and friends of your goal. Also, it’s a good idea to join a support group if that suits you. We recommend calling WOMAN, Inc., the agency that can refer you to good support groups. Their number is on the top of the green resource sheet: 415-864-4722. They can connect you with support groups at La Casa de las Madres, Riley Center, and Asian Women’s Shelter. We also recommend two books on the blue sheet called “How to Help a Friend Leave an Abusive Relationship.” They are listed on the top of the second side of that hand-out. Both books are by Ginny NiCarthy. The longer version is called Getting Free, and the shorter version is called You Can Be Free. You also may be able to get some guidance at the Student Health Center on campus. You can receive 6 to 8 free counseling sessions there. A short series of counseling sessions can help you sort through your options. You can also always call us at Project SURVIVE. We are trained to do one hour of crisis counseling. Good luck.  October 20, 2003 4-6 p.m.
 

What if you’re in a situation where your boyfriend said something to you, such as calling you a bitch, and it totally pissed you off and your reaction was to hit him, is that considered domestic violence? If a cop saw me doing this and I tell him my situation, will I get charged for that? 

Technically, this could be called domestic violence, but a cop wouldn’t charge you unless you hit your boyfriend so hard that you left a mark on him and he became afraid of you. What you did was an inappropriate reaction to verbal abuse. Name calling and hitting are examples of abuse, and responding to abuse with abuse is not a good idea. If this is a regular pattern in your relationship, you need to determine who is the primary abuser and who is the secondary abuser. The primary abuser is the one who starts the abuse and of whom the other is afraid. The secondary abuser is the one who responds to abuse with abuse but is afraid of the primary abuser. Police are actually trained to ask a series of questions to determine who is the primary and who is the secondary abuser. There are different kinds of help for each one of them.  October 21, 2003 12:30-2 p.m.
 

When do you know to give up in a relationship? Is it insensitive not to consult a break-up in a relationship? 

If there is abuse in the relationship, our best recommendation is to end it as soon as possible. If there is no abuse, but the relationship has problems, we think you can keep on working on improving it as long as both partners are committed to keeping the relationship alive. If one partner does not want to work on improving the relationship, the other partner should consider leaving and finding someone who is committed to a positive relationship. It is insensitive not to let your partner know what you plan, unless there is abuse in the relationship. In that case, secrecy in leaving may be important to protect your safety.
October 22, 2003 6:30-8:30 p.m.
 

Can a woman who abuses a man ever have a healthy relationship with a man without abusing him? 

It is possible for someone who abuses his or her partner to have a healthy relationship if the person gets help. Usually if a person is abusing another, the abuser is in pain and needs to address the issues that are causing the pain. Without that kind of work, the person will most likely continue to be abusive. October 24, 2003 9-10 a.m.
 

What can I do if I am constantly in arguments with my partner?

 If there is no abuse (physical or verbal), you may consider couples counseling. If there is abuse, you would need to go to separate counseling. There are support groups for both the abuser and the abused. The abused may consider individual counseling, but the abuser must be in a group to get help. On the other hand, constant arguments may indicate a lack of compatibility, and the best solution would then be to end the relationship.
October 24, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

Can a woman rape a man?

A woman can rape a man. First of all, a man can get an erection out of fear. Also, a woman could use a foreign object to rape a man anally. Finally, if a woman rapes a man, she is usually older than he is. More often what happens when the woman--no matter the age difference between them--is the aggressor is that legal rape does not take place because the man does not submit out of fear and does not say no. Instead, he decides to go along with the sex even though he doesn’t want it because he feels pressure to do so. This results in a bad situation and would contribute to an unhealthy relationship. Of course, men can do this to women as well. In other words, what happens may not be against the law, but manipulation and sometimes guilt are used to convince a person to have sex that he or she really doesn’t want to have. Not rape but not okay.  October 30, 2003, 8-9:30 a.m.
 

How can a person take control of a fear of being outted?

Counseling that helps the person feel comfortable with being gay, lesbian, or bisexual will reduce the fear. We recommend seeking out a gay-friendly therapist. You can go to the Student Health Center on campus. You can also find therapy resources through  Community United Against Violence, which specifically serves the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community. Their number is 415-777-5500. October 31, 2003 9-10 a.m.
 

How can a person help his/her lover to change? 

Actually, no one can help anyone else change. Only the person with the problem can make the change. All you can do is indicate how your lover has hurt or disappointed you. If the hurt rises to the level of abuse, we recommend leaving the relationship. Staying with your lover will not help him/her change but only reinforce the idea that the abusive behavior is okay.  October 31, 2003 9-10 a.m.
 

My friend is in an abusive relationship, and I had to stop being her friend because the guy she is with was threatening my life because I was being there for her. Did I do the right thing? Now she has no friends. 

This is a tough question about a difficult situation. Above all, it’s important that you protect your own safety. However, it’s true that once the batterer can successfully isolate his partner, she is much less likely to leave him and continues to be in danger herself. If there is a way you can get her information from the Project SURVIVE presentation that offer her some options, that might be useful. Is there a way to mail the material to her without a return address? The books on the blue sheet could help her find a way out of the relationship. We especially recommend Ginny NiCarthy’s book Getting Free. Don’t do anything that would put your personal safety at risk. You may have to face the very sad fact that you can’t do anything to help your friend. October 31, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

How does one know when one is in a cycle of violence? How do you differentiate it from making the relationship work?

It sounds like you’re referring to the hearts and flowers stage when the abusive person promises he or she will change and apologizes for past behavior. Whether or not the person apologizes, the bad behavior gets better for a while. But when tension builds, it ends in another explosion. If the person continues to blow up, then you’re in the middle of the cycle of violence and NOT involved in making the relationship work. If, on the other hand, the person’s behavior actually changes and problems are resolved before tension builds, then you may be in the process of working on the relationship in positive ways. In a healthy relationship, if one partner has a bad day, he or she will come home and try to talk about it instead of blaming the other person for his/her bad mood. In a healthy relationship tension does not build; instead, problems are resolved as they come up. That doesn’t mean there are never arguments, but there is no hitting, shoving, pinching or name-calling, humiliating, degrading behavior. November 6, 2003 11 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. In the first year, everything was dandy, but for the past year and a half, all we do is argue and then make up. When we argue, it seems like we both hate each other so much that we can’t stand looking at each other, but when we make up, everything seems nice. This happens so much that we’re both sick of it, but we don’t know what to do. There are a lot more things that bother me, but it’s too much to write. 

It’s hard to know from what you say whether one of you is being more abusive than the other. Sometimes an abusive person will verbally harass a partner, and then eventually the partner responds with abuse. The first person is the primary abuser, and the other is the secondary abuser. The first person is the one with the initial problem, but now the other person also has a problem. I don’t know if that’s what has happened in your relationship. One way to determine if there is a primary and secondary abuser is to separate the two people and ask them a series of questions. The primary abuser will blame the other person, and the secondary abuser will assume most if not all of the blame. Think about whether any of this sounds familiar to you. If so, you should not go into couples counseling; instead, you should seek individual counseling. The primary abuser should go into a group for abusers. If this scenario does not fit your situation, then you might consider couples counseling, but you would only do that if you were sure you want to keep the relationship going. It may be that you have found that you are not as compatible as you thought, and that the solution is to end the relationship. Please consider getting further advice from the Student Health Center psychotherapists. Good luck.  November 7, 2003 8-9 a.m.
 

Can a person love you and cheat at the same time? 

Yes. It is possible for someone to love you and to carry on another relationship or date other people. The problem may be that the person is not ready for a committed monogamous relationship. If you want that kind of situation, you may have to end this relationship and find someone who both loves you and wants to date only one person.
November 7, 2003 8-9 a.m.
 

When you fall in love, do you need to care for your partner more than for yourself? Is it okay for you to do good things for her/him although you feel uncomfortable and unhappy.

We’re not entirely sure what you are referring to here, but we’ll try too answer the question in a couple of different ways. In a healthy relationship the partners would share responsibilities. It is not okay to forget about yourself and only take care of your partner. This will create resentment and tension. You have already begun to feel uncomfortable and unhappy, which is not a good sign. Perhaps, however you are referring to a sexual situation where you are giving more and making sure that your partner is satisfied but he/she does not do that for you. This will also create bad feelings. It’s very important that you talk to your partner about these feelings. A healthy relationship involves mutual caring, where each partner pays attention to the needs of the other partner. November 7, 2003 8-9 a.m.
 

How do you keep a healthy relationship?

The best answer here is to  communicate your needs, desires, hopes, and dreams and to listen carefully when your partner tells you his/her needs, desires, hopes, and dreams. Then you need to support each other in your goals. Be sure to keep quality time for each other and to arrange for time away from your partner so that you do not become too dependent on one another. Look at the gold hand-out sheet that lists various qualities of a mature relationship. This is a very helpful resource.  November 7, 2003 8-9 a.m.
 

How do I stay safe when I am staying with a stranger?

Unfortunately, we’re not sure of exactly what you mean here. Are you living with or thinking about moving in with a stranger to share an apartment or house? If that’s the case, first, trust your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right about the person, leave the situation. If you think the person is lying to you, he/she probably is. Second,, you may want to check out your instincts by having friends you know and trust meet this person to see what they think of him/her. Finally, what are the person’s friends like? Are they people you feel comfortable with? If you would like to call Project SURVIVE or e-mail us, we can perhaps answer this question a little better. The phone is 415-239-3899, and the e-mail is lsimon@ccsf.edu.  November 7, 2003 8-9 a.m.
 

If a man rapes a woman and then gives money to the woman, is it called rape? The woman is a sex worker. 

Yes. It is called rape if the woman told the man she did not want sex or could not give consent because she feared for her life or was intoxicated. November 7, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

How do we know sex in the age of teen-agers?

We’re not sure we understand this question. Remember that a teen over 15 can say yes to someone who is less than three years older without a felony rape charge being brought forward. If someone complains, the most the person over 18, or both of them if they are both under 18, would be charged with is a misdemeanor. We’re talking here about consenting sex. If, however, the question is asking “how do you know if someone is of legal age to have sex?” then you may consider not having sex with someone who does not look over 18. If you are more than three years older than that person, you could be charged with felony rape.  November 7, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

What happens when in breaking up the woman is accusing the man of rape because of vindictiveness and the man knows for sure there was never any rape even though consensual rough sex was involved?

It’s a shame when anyone is vindictive; however, the sad facts for real rape victims is that it is very hard to prove rape in an acquaintance situation. For this reason it’s unlikely that a “made up” charge would hold. Nevertheless, a man in this situation may want to try to find a way to get some counseling and suggest that his partner do the same. Leaving a relationship on these terms can be very damaging.  November 13, 2003 1-2 p.m.
 

How do you help someone who does not want to be helped?

This is a very difficult situation. The best you can do is be patient and not abandon the person. Please refer to our blue hand-out on “How to  Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship.” You  will find ways to help your friend while keeping yourself strong. Be very careful not to show frustration. She/he needs support not criticism. You must also recognize that there is only so much you can do. You cannot fix someone else’s problem. Good luck.
November 17, 2003 11 a.m. to 12 p.m.
 

What kind of attention or resources are available on emotional/verbal abuse?

Although it’s not against the law to be verbally or emotionally abusive in a relationship, all of the psychological resources that help people with physical abuse will also help people with verbal/emotional  abuse. See the green resource sheet from the presentation. It’s often more common for the victim of verbal/emotional abuse to blame her/himself and to minimize the effect of the abuse. Words DO hurt. Please seek help if this is happening to. You may want to look at  Ginny NiCarthy’s book Getting Free. You may also want to enroll in the one unit course: Psychology 15, Assertive Behavior. It offers strategies for dealing with abusive people.  November 19, 2003 6:30-8:00 p.m.
 

What are women groups doing in educating their peers (women) to teach their children about sex, which is the core issue before rape? Women don’t discuss sex with their children early enough as most children already have a vivid imagination of their own before parents try to teach them or influence their thinking.

We agree with you that good sex education will help prevent many rapes. We think that the responsibility for sex education belongs not only to parents but also to schools. Unfortunately, the current government is quite conservative, especially when it comes to sexual matters, and does not support sex  education programs. This means parents, both women and men, need to learn to discuss sex with their children at an early age. Women’s groups and others have published some excellent publications. A good way to find them is to do a Google search on the internet for “Sex Education for Children.” The librarians can assist you.  November 18, 2003  9:30-11 a.m.
 

Based on the cycle of violence, is it true that if an individual  does  a violent or abusive action to his/her partner, it will tend to become more violent and abusive? 

Yes. This is true. The violence tends to escalate if the person does not get any help.
November 20, 2003 11:00-12:30
 

How can I volunteer? 

We only accept paid, trained staff. Sign up for IDST 55 Ending Sexual Violence for the spring semester. It’s held on Tuesday afternoons from 1 to 4 p.m. You would be hired at the end of the semester and could start to work in the fall when you would be enrolled in the second training class. Call us at 239-3899 with your address, and we’ll mail you a flier.
November 20, 2003 11:00-12:30
 

At first you stop it and tell someone and you and someone else talk to that person, and they stop. After a while you go to that person and start something up again, but after some time you want to stop, although he doesn’t. He starts showing up and wants to have sex, but you don’t any more. He’s older and married. What do you do? 

It sounds like you’ve been manipulated by this person, which confused you, but now you seem clear that you want to break it off. It’s important that you are firm with the person in letting him know that he must not show up any more. It may be that you could benefit from an assertive behavior class. We recommend the one-unit Psychology of Assertive Behavior offered during the spring semester. It will help you set clear boundaries. Good luck.
November 20, 2003 3:30-5:00 p.m.
 

My husband used drugs. I was married for fourteen years and now am divorced. All those years, he always promised me that he would leave drugs, but he didn’t. I was miserable Finally, I left him. Isn’t that some kind of abuse, also?

Drug abuse and other addictive behaviors can cause emotional abuse and financial abuse. If you felt abused, you were. It’s good that you were able to leave the relationship, but you may have some emotional scars and could benefit from some counseling. You may want to call the Student Health Center at the start of next semester. They can work with you for six to eight sessions for free and may be able to help you heal from any lingering emotional injuries. Good luck.  November 25, 2003 9:30-11:00 a.m.
 

How can you earn back your partner’s trust after a jealous scenario?
How can you get your shy partner to open up to family relations? 

If the jealous scenario was caused by your seeing someone else, all you can do is to be honest with your partner and agree to be faithful if that is what you both want. It will take time for trust to build. You will need to be patient. Be sure that you actually do want a monogamous relationship. It’s very hard on your partner if you promise an arrangement that you are not comfortable with. You need to make sure you are clear about your needs and goals in the relationship and to stay honest with your partner as you determine what you want.

There is a good course at City College called The Psychology of Shyness and Self-Esteem: Psychology 16. It’s a one-unit course. It will help you understand shy people. We also recommend the book Shyness: What It Is, What to Do about It by Philip Zimbardo. December 1, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

Could people who were sexually abused go out and sexually abuse children on the street? 

Some people who have been sexually abused think that they will automatically abuse others, but this is not necessarily true. If a person has been sexually abused and gets help to heal from this abuse by going to a counselor, he/she will grow into a healthy adult who does not abuse others. Without help of some kind, he/she could be very troubled and might end up abusing others. No one should suffer abuse alone. Everyone needs support to heal. Remember: most people who were abused as children do not abuse children when they grow up; however, they may have other problems, such as drug and alcohol abuse. That’s why it’s important to get help.  December 3,  2003 8:28-9:20 Lincoln High School
 

Why do people turn gay and lesbian?

No one knows for sure why some people enjoy sexual relations only with the opposite sex (heterosexuals) and why some people enjoy sexual relations only with people of the same sex (homosexuals) and why still others enjoy sex with members of both the opposite and same sex (bi-sexuals). What’s important is that all of us find someone to have good, healthy sex with when we are ready.  December 3, 2003 1:22-2:14 p.m. Lincoln High School
 

How could you help someone who is in an abusive relationship even though they don’t think so?

You might try showing this person some of the Project SURVIVE materials or just talking about our presentation. A good book to help the person identify that the relationship is abusive is You Can Be Free by Ginny NiCarthy. The longer version is Getting Free by the same author. They are both listed on the blue sheet called “How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship.” Also, try to be patient with your friend. Don’t abandon him/her, but also be sure to take care of yourself.  December 5, 2003 9-10 a.m.
 

How can I get more information about verbal abuse because I am in that kind of relationship?

We also recommend Ginny NiCarthy’s book Getting Free for you. Look at the Chapter 24, “Emotional Abuse.” It will help you identify the problem and find  solutions.
December 5, 2003 9-10 a.m.
 

When is it worth it to try to get help in an abusive relationship? Or is it worth it? Is it better to go to counseling and try to get out of it?

Generally, it’s best to get out of an abusive relationship. Counseling is a very good idea because it can help you sort out what you want to do. Make sure you don’t go to couples counseling with an abusive partner. Good luck. December 5, 2003 9-10 a.m.
 

What about the many circumstances when a woman calls rape on a man, and the man is “guilty” until proven innocent?

When a woman comes from a past physically abusive relationship and has been conditioned into thinking abuse is a way of showing love, can’t that also be acknowledged as the problem with a person who keeps coming back to abuse?

To answer your first question, actually in our legal justice system, a person is innocent until proven guilty, so we’re not sure what you are referring to. In fact, most rapists are never even reported to the police. From nationwide anonymous surveys we know that only about 15% of rapes that are committed end up being reported by the victims, and only half of those end in arrests. The estimate is that about two to four out of every 100 rapes end in a conviction because so few are reported.

Why don’t victims report? They are ashamed and embarrassed, and they often blame themselves because most rapes are acquaintance rapes. Victims should not feel shame or embarrassment. The rape is not their fault. That’s why we do education to raise awareness. We think we’re having success in San Francisco because we have a much higher reporting rate here. But, remember, our goal is to promote healthy relationships. We want to prevent rape from happening in the first place. Be a sensitive lover and make sure you have consent of your partner before proceeding with sex. Just because your partner is turned on to you does not mean he/she is ready for sex. Listen to what your partner tells you. Your sex will improve, and it’s unlikely you will ever be accused of raping anyone. The police estimate that rape, like other crimes, has about a 2% false reporting rate. So, if someone says he/she has been raped, it’s probably true. In the case of stranger rapes, there have been tragic mistakes in identification where innocent men have been convicted of rape. DNA testing is now exonerating some of them. Our justice system has problems with racial bias. People of color are not treated as fairly as white people. Also, women are not treated as fairly as men. We need to work to improve the system, and we need to protect and defend its core principle of “innocent until proven guilty.”  

To answer your second question, we usually acknowledge what you have said here and call it “pattern of abuse.” A person who has been battered or abused in a previous relationship or who was battered or abused as a child or who saw a parent being battered or  abused may believe that battery and abuse go along with love. People in these situations need to repair their damaged self-esteem so that they can get out of abusive relationships. However, it’s not their fault they are being battered. It’s the fault of the batterer. Finally, anyone of us can end up in this kind of situation. Even if we have high self-esteem, abusive people are very good at slowly chipping away at our self-esteem. They embed criticism in the middle of many compliments. They control our behavior, seemingly “for our own good.” By the time we realize what has happened, our lowered self-esteem makes it harder for us to get out. It’s a kind of brainwashing process. That’s why it’s so important to study the signs of an abusive personality and not be fooled by charm or compliments that are disguising a controlling, insecure, and potentially cruel partner. December 5, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

I was in an abusive relationship before. My now boyfriend tells me that I like to be abused because of my past relationship. Is this true? Could it be? 

Please remember what we said in the answer to the last question. We don’t think anyone LIKES to be abused. But we do know that when you have experienced abuse in the past, you may continue to expect it until you heal your damaged self-esteem. We recommend that you get some counseling. You may get referral numbers for free to low cost counseling for people who have been battered in a previous relationship by calling WOMAN, Inc. The number, also listed on the green resource sheet, is 864-4722. Good luck.
December 5, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

How long do you stay with your partner if he verbally abuses you? How can a person get help if she/he is being abused by her/his partner? 

We recommend that you leave any relationship in which you are being verbally or physically abused; however, we know that this is easier said than done. Counseling can help you make a healthy decision. You may get referral numbers for free to low cost counseling for people who are being verbally abused by calling WOMAN, Inc. The number, also listed on the green resource sheet, is 864-4722. December 5, 2003 10-11 a.m.
 

Why do people rape other people without cause?

Of course, there is never really any justification or cause to rape someone, but your question is an important one. Rape is an act of violence and power abuse, using sex as a weapon. We believe that people abuse power for several reasons: first, they feel insecure about themselves and believe that by showing their power over someone else they prove their own superiority, even though they are badly mistaken in this belief; second, men, who are the majority of the rapists, have been socially conditioned to believe that they are supposed to initiate sex and get it when they want it no matter who gets hurt (luckily, many men do not go along with this conditioning although they may try to prove their supposed dominance in other ways); finally, our political system allows certain people to have political and economic power over other people, which sets up the potential for power abuse. We believe that the power to change the political system, social conditioning, and psychological insecurities is in our hands. Education is a major tool. Political organizing is another. Psychologically counseling is a third. We can make a difference. Finally, remember what we say on the back of the “What do you think?” Survey we gave you: our answer to statement #1: “Rape is an act of physical and emotional violence. A person rapes someone in order to dominate, humiliate, control, degrade, terrify, and/or violate. Power and anger are the primary motivating factors.  Although, in an acquaintance rape situation, a person may start out by feeling sexually turned on, if he or she persists after his/her partner says "no," he/she’s acting out of hurt and anger--not love or desire.”
December 8, 2003 10:35-11:30, Wallenberg High School
 

What can you do to stop wanting to break up with your boyfriend just because some of his family can’t get along with you? 

If the relations with the family members are so painful that they cause you to want to break up with your boyfriend, then you need to let him know. He may be able to talk to them and to explain that you are an important person in his life and they need to treat you with respect. Of course, it goes without saying that you will also treat them that way. If he doesn’t back you up, then there may be other reasons to leave him. Please consider that possibility.  January 30, 2004 11-12; 12-1
 

How do you encourage a friend or lover to get help if she or he has been raped but doesn’t want to go to the police?

Please encourage your friend to contact the San Francisco Rape Treatment Center. The number is on the green resource sheet. Come by our office in Cloud 402 if you would like another one. The Rape Treatment and Trauma Recovery Center can help your friend with medical and emotional issues and will not require that the survivor report the assault to the police. Their services are offered on a low-cost sliding scale basis.
January 30, 2004 11-12; 12-1
 

Why is it so hard to get out of relationships with your ex-boyfriend? I’m talking about the sex.

Sex is a powerful force, and even when other parts of the relationship are no longer working, sexual attraction remains active. Unfortunately, survivors of an abusive relationship sometimes say “good sex” makes it hard for them to leave. If you’re finding it hard to end the relationship, whether or not it was abusive, you may consider getting some short-term free counseling at the Student Health Center on campus. In the fall you could also consider signing up for a one unit course, Psychology 15: Assertive Behavior. For now you can purchase the book for the class: Your Perfect Right : Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons.
February 17, 2004 1-2
 

What do you do when abuse occurs in your own household? 

We realize that the blue sheet offers advice on how to help a friend in an abusive relationship and that when a family member or other person, with whom you live, is in an abusive relationship, a different set of issues come up. Anyone who attempts to support someone who is being abused puts him/herself at risk from the abuser. If the support person lives in the same household as the abuser, he/she is obviously at greater risk. So he/she needs to get help in putting together a safety plan for both him/herself and the abused person. If the person being abused is a parent, and he or she has trouble receiving support from a child due to parent-child authority issues, the child (who may, in fact, be an adult) may want to bring in an older adult, whom the parent respects, to help offer support. It’s important to discuss the very damaging effects that witnessing domestic violence has on children and other household members. If we’re not addressing your specific issues here, please call us at 239-3899 or call WOMAN, Inc. whose number is on the green resource sheet we gave you: 864-4722. February 23, 2004 12-1
 

What should I do if I think I am being verbally abused? What if I’m not even sure it is abuse? For example, when my partner gets angry at me for doing something wrong, she puts me down like calling me an idiot and stupid.

If a person is calling you names like “idiot” and “stupid,” she IS verbally abusing you. It’s important to let your partner know that you do not like the name-calling. Carefully, describe the behavior, explain how it hurts you and then give your partner non-violent, non-abusive consequences if she refuses to stop the name-calling.  February 23, 2004 12-1
 

What should you do if your boyfriend is threatening to slap your cousin?

If your boyfriend is willing to be violent toward your cousin, chances are that, if you stay with him long enough, he will become violent toward you. We recommend ending the relationship. If you don’t feel you can do that right now, we recommend the following:

Tell your boyfriend how these threats make you feel, then tell him what you will do if he does not stop the threats. It’s up to you to choose the consequences. You can say that you will leave him. You can say that you will not see him for a specified amount of time. You decide. But, above all, do not let the threats continue. Good luck.
March 1, 2004 12-1:30 ISA
 

Would you recommend a man to take a self-defense course? What should I do when my father has been hitting my mother and I happen to see it for the very first time?

We recommend self-defense classes for men and women. Our classes our open to everyone. Regarding the question about your parents, the best suggestion is to talk to your mother to see if she is willing to get some support. If you are living at home, you also need to be aware of your own person safety. Even if your father has never hit you, he may become violent if he feels threatened. If your mother gets support, then your father loses control over her, and that will both frighten him and make him angry. We always suggest calling WOMAN, Inc. at 864-4722. They are the best resource and referral agency and can give your mother other agencies to call so that she can get further help. Be sure to take care of yourself during this process. You may want to involve a family friend, whom your father respects and trusts and who can give your father advice about where he can get help. For your father, try AVACA. The number on the green sheet is 553-7825. Good luck. March 25, 2004 12:30-2
 

Will I become either an abuser and/or an abused person if I have lived with the violence of my parents?

Just because you lived with violence growing up, you will not necessarily become an abuser or an abused person. However, you are at risk for one or the other behaviors. If you get counseling now, you can heal yourself, which will prevent you from becoming the abused or the abuser. If, or when, you become a parent, enroll in parenting classes so that you can learn about ways to set limits for children without abusing them. The fact that you are asking this question means that your future is hopeful. March 25, 2004 12:30-2
 

What is one to do if there is family pressure for getting married to someone and I feel like it is not right for me. I feel like I can’t be happy with this person. What should I tell my parents?

Please tell your parents exactly what you said in your question. Then you will have to be ready for the fact that they will be disappointed, perhaps hurt and angry. But you need to be assertive about your needs. We recommend a course called Assertive Behavior: Psychology 15, which will be offered in the Fall. It’s a one unit course. The book they use is YOUR PERFECT RIGHT: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons.  March 26, 12-1
 

How are abortion rights doing politically? Is John Kerry against them? How is Planned Parenthood getting funded? Are there any other programs that are open to the public other than Planned Parenthood? 

The answers to these questions are best addressed by Women’s Health instructor Robin Roth. Her e-mail is rroth@ccsf.edu, and her phone is 452-5153. There will be a big march for reproductive rights in Washington, D. C. on April 25. Another Women’s Health instructor, Betsy Strausberg, will be attending it.

March 29, 2004 9-10
 

If a 25-year-old woman forces an 18-year-old male to perform oral sex, is it still rape? 

Any time anyone FORCES sex on another person it is rape. Rape includes forced vaginal-penile penetration, forced sodomy (anal penetration), and forced oral copulation.

April 1, 2004 11-12:30
 

Can the primary/secondary thing happen between parent and child? 

This is a perceptive question. The answer is YES. To review: the primary abuser is the one who starts the abuse; the secondary abuser is the one who responds to the original abuse in an abusive manner. The primary abuser usually has some kind of power over the secondary abuser and abuses that power. The primary abuser, no matter how wealthy or seemingly self-confident, has low self-esteem. Only people with low self-esteem use abuse to deal with tension or disappointment. The abused person may not have started out with low self-esteem, but after being abused for a while, will experience a loss of self-esteem, which may turn him or her into a secondary abuser—a victim who responds with abuse. This tragic dynamic CAN occur between any two people, no matter their relationship to one another, so it can happen between parent and child. Generally, the secondary abuser is afraid of the primary abuser, but the primary abuser does not fear the secondary abuser.

By the way, self-defense is not secondary abuse. For example, if one person is choking another, the victim can use whatever force necessary to stop the attack.

Finally, these dynamics of abuse occur in political systems where power is distributed unequally. Social conditioning also contributes to violence. In other words if children are raised to believe that violence is a way to solve problems, they will use it or be victims of it, believing that this is just the way things are and not knowing that there are non-violent alternatives.  April 1, 2004 11-12:30
 

Could the cycle of violence lead to divorce or a threat of killing your partner?

The cycle of violence could escalate so that in the explosion stage, one partner threatens to kill the other partner. At that point the threatened partner should leave immediately or, at the very least, put together a safety plan so she/he can get out when it is safe to do so. If the couple is married, divorce is recommended. April 20, 2004 8-9:30 a.m.
 

What about us, men? How do we protect ourselves and where would we go if we have been accused of rape even if it’s not really rape?

First, make sure that you know the legal definition of rape. Once in a while, especially in acquaintance rape situations, the rapist does not know that what he/she did constitutes rape. Next, if you know you have been falsely accused, it is advised that you get an attorney if you have been legally charged. To prevent any misunderstanding, be clear with your communication. Always make sure that any sexual activity you engage in is consensual. Don’t make assumptions. When you communicate with your partner, the sex you do have is more fun, AND you avoid situations where, even if you haven’t legally raped someone, you have engaged in sex that was not completely mutual.  April 23, 2004 11-12
 

What do you do in an S/M situation that is turning uberviolent, not playful, but that’s par?

In any sexual situation, if either of the partners is uncomfortable, he/she must indicate that discomfort to his/her partner, and the sex must stop. In an s/m situation, negotiation and/or “safe” words can be used. It may be that the s/m play has gone beyond the bounds of play and into the realm of abuse. If this is happening to you, make sure you let your partner know. It may be that you are no longer compatible.  April 26, 2004 11-12:30
 

How are you working to spread this information to the public?

Basically, our work is at City College, so we concentrate on our presentations and public events during fall and spring semesters. We also have a website and have actually received a few questions from people across the country who have found us. Most importantly, for people off campus, our website is linked to other sites that can help spread the word.
April 27, 2004 11-12:30
 

Can one tell the difference between paranoia and suspicion and something that is really going on? 

Unless you are extremely insecure, usually if you feel that something is not right, it’s not. April 27, 2004 11-12:30
 

Why would men wish to be women?

We don’t know why some people who are biologically assigned one sex at birth identify their gender differently. We do know that transgendered people have lived throughout recorded history in many different cultures all across the planet, so it seems to be a normal variation. Rather than spending energy on trying to figure out why they are the way they are, the rest of us can dedicate ourselves to making sure that transgendered people are treated fairly and safely.  May 3, 2004 8-9:30 a.m.
 

What advice would you give? I am a victim of sexual abuse. It happened from a very young age and continued with various people well into my teens. I have informed my boyfriend of four years about the abuse and one abuser, who is in my family. He is very supportive but now has an incredible hatred for the abuser. I do not know how to deal with it because though I have the same hatred, this man helped raise me and I have some love for that. How can we deal with this?

It’s important that you take care of yourself and that you ask your boyfriend to be supportive of all of your decisions. You may find some help, guidance, and healing through counseling. You may call our office at 239-3899, and we can give you some referrals. We also recommend two books, one for yourself and one for your boyfriend. They are listed on our bibliography, which you can find in the wire rack outside our office. The bibliography is a stapled packet of buff colored paper. The two books are as follows:

for you: The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (Toronto: Fitzhenry and     
     Whiteside Ltd., 1988)
for your boyfriend: Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused 
     As a Child by Laura Davis (New.302York: HarperCollins, 1991)
May 11, 2004 9:30-11
 

Do you think there is a point of emotional scarring where one cannot trust his/her intuition?

The power of your intuition most likely remains intact. Instead what suffers from emotional scarring is your ability to set safe and healthy boundaries. If you’ve been injured emotionally and have not repaired the damaged, it may be easier for others to violate your boundaries because that is a pattern to which you have become accustomed. That still, small intuitive voice may be speaking clearly to you, but you don’t listen to it because you’re not used to honoring it. Counseling can help you re-establish your boundaries. We also recommend enrolling in Psychology 15: Assertive Behavior. It’s a one unit week-end class.
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