(9/13/02) What do you mean by trust? Does this mean that the couple can have sex outside of their relationship or how they behave? Trust means that each partner knows he or she can believe the other. Each partner knows that his/her partner will not lie. If they have a monogamous relationship, then trust would mean that each partner knows the other will be faithful. If the relationship is not monogamous, then each partner must be part of that decision. Trust is a general concept that means that each partner will go along with the agreements and commitments each makes to the other. (9/13/02) This question is about the cycle of violence. If you know someone from a different culture who doesn't have the strength to get out, how can we help this person who feels so down that she might want to finish her life? First, no matter a person's culture, an abusive relationship can bring anyone down. Look at the blue sheet which tells you how to help a friend in an abusive relationship. If the person is Asian, she might consider calling the Asian Women's Shelter. Even if she doesn't want to go to the shelter, she could join a support group, which would help her feel less isolated and depressed. They speak many different Asian languages. If the person speaks Spanish, she might want to try a group at La Casa de las Madres. When she is feeling better, she can more easily make the decisions needed to change her situation. Give her as much support as you can, but make sure she makes her own choices. Consider suggesting to her that she look at the Project SURVIVE hand-outs for information and for books she can read about the problem. You can call our office for written material in different languages. There is a reference to Spanish material on the blue sheet. (9/19/02) If the victim is under the age of 18 and the abuser is over the age of 18 and the victim goes to a support group and tells her story, will the abuser go to jail? No. The abuser will not go to jail unless the abuse is reported to the police and the victim presses charges OR the police find enough evidence for them to press charges. So the victim can go to a support group and not worry that the police will get involved unless he/she wants them involved. (9/19/02) What can you do if you have lost interest in sex with your partner and this causes tension? There are several solutions. You can talk with your partner about the problem. You might have lost interest because you were not being satisfied, so you need to tell your partner how he/she can change the love-making to please you more. Or you may be very tired because of a new baby or too much work. You might want to get some help from your partner in doing this work so that you will have more energy for and interest in sex. Or perhaps you have fallen out of love and, although you care for the person, you are no longer so interested in the same things your partner is. Sex with that person no longer interests you. You may need to end the relationship in this situation. Above all, you need to let your partner know what's happening. If one person wants sex and the other does not, the relationship is unlikely to remain healthy. (9/23/02) If the guy is 18, and the girl is 16, and they are alone in the car and they both want to have sex, if the girl does do it, is it rape? Since there is less than three years age difference between them, and they are both consenting to sex, the most anyone would be charged with would be a misdemeanor. It would NOT be a felony. The only way the 18-year-old would be charged is if a parent complained. Of course at Project SURVIVE we want to encourage the couple to practice safer sex and use a condom, which will also prevent pregnancy. (9/26/02) Even though the family and friends of a person in an abusive relationship tell the person to get out and move on, why do they still stay when they know it is wrong to stay? It is extremely difficult to leave an abusive relationship even when you have the support of family and friends and even when you know it's what you should do. As you know from the presentation and the yellow sheet entitled ¬„Why Victims Stay,¬¾ an abused person can be trapped by various concerns. These concerns may include the following: money, children (even though we know it is NOT healthy for children to see one parent abuse another), fear of being alone, and/or fear of retaliation if she/he tries to leave. The abused person may also have low self-esteem, which usually develops after a person has been abused: the abused person believes that no one else would want to be with her/him. She/he may still love the abuser because when the abuse ends, if you remember from the cycle of violence diagram, the abuser becomes very loving and apologetic. The abused person may also blame her/himself for the abuse because abusers are very good at manipulating their victims into believing that the victim provokes the abuse. Finally, and this may be the hardest one to overcome, the victim may have started to abuse the abuser. Usually this abuse will consist of emotional violence such as name-calling and other kinds of insults. The victim then becomes guilt-ridden. It's important for the victim to know, of course, that no one condones this abusive behavior but that this behavior is NOT the cause of the abuse the victim is suffering from. There is a PRIMARY abuser, who is usually not afraid and blames the victim. And then sometimes the victim becomes the SECONDARY abuser who is afraid and blames him/herself. We recommend the book You Can Be Free, available for borrowing at the Women's Resource Center in Smith Hall 103-104. There is also a copy at the Project SAFE/SURVIVE peer activities room in Cloud 405, which does not go out on loan. (9/26/02) How about sex addiction? What are you guys offering to people who cannot control their desire for sex? Addictions involve repetitive behavior that allows a person to escape difficult emotional feelings We do not believe that ¬„sex addiction¬¾ causes rape, however. A sex addict can control him/herself if a partner says ¬„no.¬¾ The sex addict will continue to crave sex and will find a willing partner. In the same way a drug addict would not shoot up in front of a police officer, a sex addict does not have to have sex when a partner refuses it. She/he will find a partner who will say yes. Any addictive behavior is not healthy, however. We recommend that the sex addict enter therapy or join one of the twelve step programs: Sex Addicts Anonymous. (10/4/02) Is having sex harmful to your health? Sexual activity is not harmful to your health as long as you do it safely and respectfully. In other words, as long as you have your partner's consent and you use condoms to guard against being infected with the HIV virus which causes AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases and also prevents pregnancy, sex can be enjoyable and healthy. It is unhealthy if you do not use condoms and/or manipulate your partner into having sex with you. If you force your partner, it is not considered sex. It is rape, which, as you know, is against the law. (10/4/02) If you have been mean or you have beaten someone you love and have gone through the cycle of violence, how can you repair that? As you now know, apologies are not enough. In fact, sometimes they simply represent the hearts and flowers phase of the cycle of violence. You need to get help. If you are a teen-aged man, you may enroll in the Youth Program at MOVE, Men Overcoming Violence. They can also help older adult males. Female batterers can get help from WOMAN, Inc., which also helps female victims. Please see the green resource sheet we handed out in the packets to get the phone numbers for these agencies.. (10/4/02) Is it necessary to have sex with your partner if he/she says: ¬„If you love me, you have to have sex with me?" It is definitely not necessary to have sex with your partner if he/she says that you would have sex if you loved, him/her. Even if you love someone, you may not be ready to have sex yet. In fact, you can turn this around and say to your partner: ¬„If you loved me, you would not pressure me into having sex with you before I am ready to make that decision.¬¾ (10/4/02) Why is sexual abuse so important? It is important because it causes serious injuries to the victim's body and mind and it robs the perpetrator of his/her dignity. As we said, the damage can be repaired, but it's much better if we can prevent the abuse from happening in the first place. Our society would be much healthier in general if a group of people, significant in numbers, had not been sexually abused. There would be less depression and suicide, less substance abuse (drug, alcohol, and food addiction), and an end to the perpetuation of interpersonal violence. (10/4/02) What about the women who are abused when they are pregnant? Battery of pregnant women is a problem. Men are more likely to batter their girlfriends or wives when they are pregnant because the man feels that he is losing control over his partner. She is now dividing her attention between him and the baby that will be born. Batterers are jealous and insecure people who cannot share people they love with anyone else. (10/21/02) Does smoking weed increase men's sexual drive or calm them down? Smoking weed neither increases nor decreases men's sexual drive. We recommend a book to you called Marijuana Myths/Marijuana Facts: A Review of the Scientific Evidence by Lynn Zimmer, Ph.D., and John P. Morgan, Ph.D.. (New York and San Francisco: Lindesmith Center, 1997). (10/21/02) What does it mean when a guy tells a girl that the only time he will hit her is if she hits him first? A person should NEVER hit another person unless it is in self-defense. In other words, if someone hits you and you fear for your life, it is all right to strike back so you can get away. If, however, someone slaps your face and you do not fear for your life, it's not okay to hit that person back. The person who slapped you needs help, and you need to remove yourself from the situation. (10/21/02) Please explain emotional abuse. Emotional abuse occurs when you violate another person's psychological boundaries through name-calling, threats, humiliation, degradation, belittling, etc. It may include isolation and occasional indulgences. The indulgences are offered in order to manipulate the victim into compliance. (10/21/02) What do you do when your new girlfriend is already dating someone else before you? We're not exactly sure what you mean. If your new girlfriend is still dating someone else, then you have to decide if that's okay with you. If it's not, then you might want to split up. No matter what, if you are having sex, it's important that all three of you get tested for HIV and use condoms every time you have sex. (10/25/02) Is there counseling that provides help to students at City College for unstable, disturbing, unhealthy relationships? Are the resources provided and the phone call confidential? Yes, there are good services at the Student Health Center. Call 239-3148. If they cannot help you, they will provide referrals. You may also call Project SURVIVE at 239-3899 for referrals. All phone calls are confidential. However, all professionals are mandated to report child abuse and suicide or homicide threats. You may call anonymously and get information that can help you make decisions without fear of reports. (11/5/02) How do you encourage a friend who goes out with friends to a house party or club and often times has sex with the friend after drinking too much. The friend does not mind having sex drunk with other friends while drunk. I would like to discourage my friend from this action because it is not safe. How do I convince her of these risks? If your friend is not using condoms, please come up to Cloud 405 to get her literature on the risks of practicing unprotected sex. If your friend drinks too much, she might have a problem with alcoholism, and you can gently raise that issue with her. Sometimes when people abuse substances, they are trying to escape from a history of abuse in their childhood or some other traumatic experience. You can explain that dynamic to her, but please know that she might not be ready for this information. (11/6/02) Do you get paid? Yes. Peer educators do get paid. Please call our office for details. 239-3899 (11/18/02) As a friend or relative of a victim of rape or abuse, what can you do to help? First, please read our blue hand-out ¬„How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship,¬¾ if your friend or relative is suffering from abuse in a relationship. If your friend or relative is a victim of rape, please let her or him know that it's a good idea to get counseling at the San Francisco Rape Treatment Center. The number is on our green resource sheet (415-206-3222). In all cases of rape or abuse, remember that you must be very gentle with your friend and not tell her or him what do to because if you do that, you are further taking control away, which is what the rapist or abuser has already done. Also, never blame your friend for what has happened. Prevention can help your friend in the future, but it doesn't always work. Also, bad judgment is not a rapeable offense. So NEVER blame anyone if they have been raped. (11/18/02) Have you been victims of abuse or coercion? Some peer educators have experienced rape and/or battery, and they will often talk about it during the presentations. Others are not sexual assault or domestic violence survivors; they do this work because someone they know has been hurt and/or they believe that ending sexual violence is a form of social justice work. (11/19/02) If you are being mentally abused, can you go see the counselors on the sheet you handed out? Yes. You can definitely utilize those services for support groups. You would not be eligible for the shelters, however. Remember that all of the shelters have out-patient support groups, which means that you do not have to be living in the shelter to join the group. Good luck. (11/20/02) If a friend's boyfriend doesn't let her drink alcohol when he wants to, fusses at her for drinking when she does, and gets angry when she's having a good time, is that a controlling or abusive relationship? It may be, although if your friend has a problem with alcohol, the boyfriend may think he's doing the right thing. However, unless she is driving drunk, no one should tell her how to handle alcohol. She has to make that decision for herself. (11/20/02) How would you pursue a situation when the female feels like she is ready to have children, but the male said no, sometime? We cannot completely understand the question. Is the male saying no but indicating that he would be ready sometime? If the partner is indicating he would be willing to have children in the future and seems sincere, she might decide to wait; however, it's important not to give up important goals in life. People may love each other but may not be fully compatible. (11/20/02) Can a woman be raped by another woman? Yes. A woman can be raped by another woman, and a man can be raped by another man. Forced sex can be a problem in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. (11/20/02) Can a woman be raped by another woman? Yes. A woman can be raped by another woman, and a man can be raped by another man. Forced sex can be a problem in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. (11/21/02) What exactly is the legal definition of ¬„rape¬¾? When did it change? Does it include sodomy? Or is the court's definition strictly m/f penetration? First, forced sex of any kind (forced vaginal or anal penetration=sodomy, and forced oral copulation) is against the law in the state of California. (Rape laws are state laws.) However, technically, ¬„rape¬¾ refers to vaginal penetration. Forced sodomy and forced oral copulation are prosecuted to the same extent as forced vaginal penetration. So, in everyday language, they would all constitute the crime of rape. Second, as you know from the presentation, forced sex means ¬„no consent.¬¾ Either the person says no, cannot say no (under the influence of drugs or alcohol, asleep, or underage), or submits out of fear. (12/9/02) Does a man or woman have a right to cheat on his/her partner while they are trying to keep the relationship healthy? Since you are using the word ¬„cheat,¬¾ it sounds like the couple has agreed to be monogamous. In that case, having sex with someone else would not contribute to the health of the relationship. (12/9/02) My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and five months. A few months ago before our fourth anniversary, I came to the United States, and my boyfriend stayed in the Philippines. I know I love him and am confused. I'm attracted to others now, and sometimes I deny that I have a boyfriend. But I don't go to the point of flirting. My boyfriend keeps telling me that he loves me through phone calls and letters. What should I do to keep our relationship because sometimes I feel so sorry for him. I think I am cheating on him? Did I? Just because you are attracted to others does not mean you are cheating on him. It's natural to continue to be attracted to other people even when you are in a loving relationship. As long as you do not act on those attractions, you will remain loyal. However, if you are going to be apart for a long time, you might consider talking to your boyfriend about changing the terms of your relationship. (12/11/02) If I'm a guy and get raped by a woman, what if I liked it? This is a hard question to answer without more information. We would need to know how old you were at the time. Perhaps you are talking about statutory rape where you consented to sex with an older woman but were not of legal age to do so. In those instances the experience may not necessarily be harmful to the younger person, but the woman may be misusing or abusing her power, and the law needs to protect the younger person against that possibility. That same woman might be taking advantage of younger people on a regular basis. On the other hand, if you were forced to have sex against your will, your body may have responded and given you pleasure, but you may need some counseling to confront some of the feelings that can arise from having your sexual boundaries violated. (12/11/02) What per cent of teens have unprotected sex a day? What per cent of teens get raped in a month? Unfortunately, we cannot answer the question about teens and unprotected sex; we do know that teen pregnancy rates are growing, which indicates the message about the need to have protected sex has not gotten enough exposure. But we can tell you that in 2000 for ages 12-15, 2.1 for every 1000 people experienced rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. For ages 16-19, 4.3 for every 1000 people experienced rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. The most vulnerable age group for rape is 15-24, and within that age range, the most vulnerable is 15-19, so please pay attention to the prevention suggestions we gave during the presentation. (Source for Statistics is the 2000 National Crime Victims Survey.) (12/11/02) What happens if your boyfriend and you don't even talk and do things like kiss, hold hands, and hug. Kissing, holding hands, and hugging are all good ways to express affection and caring, but if you never talk, you will not be able to build a truly healthy relationship. You need to open your communication and be honest with each other. (12/11/02) Where can I get birth control for free? Call Planned Parenthood. You can find their number in the phone book. (12/11/02) I went out with my boyfriend for five months. About a month ago my parents found out about him and told me if I ever talk or stay with him, I'll get sent for adoption. Should I listen to my parents or not? The reason my parents will know I talk to him is because he moved out of the city in the middle of our relationship. One time my parents picked up the phone, and I said ¬„I know someone is listening.¬¾ My parents ended up saying ¬„Tell that @$$#@! not to call anymore.¬¾ And I said ¬„It's not him; it's my other friend.¬¾ My dad ended up asking for his name, his address, and phone number. Please know that your parents cannot send you to be adopted because you are talking to your boyfriend on the phone. If your boyfriend treats you with respect, you should be able to continue to talk to him. If you cannot talk honestly with your parents, then you may consider talking to your boyfriend on a different phone, perhaps at a friend's house. It's unfair of your parents to restrict your activity., but remember that they are doing what they think is best and they are most likely operating out of love for you and concern for your well-being. You might consider talking to a counselor at school or a teacher for further advice. (2/11/03) Are there counselors for women who have been abusers and victims? Yes. WOMAN, Inc. counsels female victims and female batterers. If the victim has also battered, she would be able to use the services of WOMAN, Inc. Also, Community United Against Violence (CUAV) counsels lesbian batterers and lesbian victims. This is a good question because it acknowledges that usually batterers have been victimized at some point in their lives, usually during childhood. For this reason any good counseling program for batterers will address victimization issues of the abuser. (2/18/03) Who batters children the most? Women or men? Women batter children more than men do because they are the ones who perform the primary care for children. Remember that if a person has power over another and is insecure with that power, they will more than likely abuse it. This principle accounts for the fact that in heterosexual relationships where there is violence, over 90% of the time it is the man who batters the woman. All of us who have problems with abuse and battery, however, can get help and change our behavior. No one is naturally violent or evil. (2/28/03) Where can I get some free condoms? You can get free condoms in Cloud Hall 405, Monday through Friday 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., and in the Women's Resource Center in Smith Hall 103-104, Monday through Friday 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. (3/4/03) Why does a man think he is a trick when he takes girls out and spends money on her so she feels she has to have sex with him? Unfortunately, the men who do this and the women who comply have been subjected to a socialization process that brainwashes men into thinking that if they spend money on a woman, she is supposed to have sex with him. Some women also believe this is true. The problem comes from unequal income distribution. A woman earns, on the average, 70 cents for every dollar a man makes. So our economic system sets up an inequity between men and women that causes other inequities. The fact is that no matter who makes more money, no one has to have sex with someone no matter how much money the other person spends on her or him, unless that person WANTS to have sex. Sex workers exchange sex for money, but that is a different situation. It is not a dating relationship. (3/6/03) If a 16-year-old is legally emancipated, does he or she still fall under the statutory rape law? Yes. The 16-year-old is still included in the statutory rape provision. Emancipation only refers to the relationship between the parent and child. The 16-year-old is still considered a minor. (3/6/03) If a 16-year-old man has consensual sex with a 21-year-old woman and the woman gets pregnant, even though she could be charged with statutory rape, is the man responsible for child support? Yes. Once the 16-year-old has a job and can afford to do so, he would be responsible for paying child support for his baby. (3/12/03) Are there many reports of women raping men date rape style? No. There are very few reports of this kind of rape; however, we know that it happens. More research needs to be done to find out how often it happens because, as you know, most rape victims do not report their rapes. Generally, if a man is raped he is raped by another man--in a gay male relationship, in a gay-bashing incident, or in prison. Generally, when a woman rapes, she rapes another woman. The incidence of adult women raping boys is not nearly as high as adult men raping girls, but no matter who is the victim and who is the rapist, rape is a serious trauma that calls for compassion along with medical and legal responses. (3/19/03) I'm a girl. How can I determine if a boy dates me because he likes me or because of his sexual desire? That's a difficult question to answer. On the one hand, he may date you because he likes you and because he likes you, he has sexual desire for you. On the other hand, he may be only interested in sex. One way to figure out why he's dating you is to ask him. Listen closely to what he says. Do the two of you have common interests? Do you share the same values? Does your partner respect your wishes and allow for equality in the relationship? Usually someone who is only after sex would not be open to your needs and desires. Also, see what happens if you say ¬„no¬¾ to sex until you get to know him better. How does he respond? (3/19/03) Are the reported cases of rape going up or are they going down? Is the younger generation, who is getting better information, responding with lower levels of reported rape cases? This is an excellent question but a bit complicated in its answer. According to the National Crime Victimization Survey conducted by the Bureau of Justice, which measures an estimate of the actual rapes that occur, the number of actual rapes is going down (160,000 in 1993 and 92,000 in 2000). Crime in general has gone down, even though the media often tends to leave the impression that crime is going up. One possibility for the decrease is that our work is having an effect. Another is that the population has been aging, and street and interpersonal crimes (unlike white collar crime) are perpetrated by younger populations. In general, we also have reason to believe that more people are reporting rapes, also, we think, because of the education that organizations like Project SURVIVE is providing. (3/19/03) What if there really isn't any evidence after a guy rapes a girl? Are her hands tied? Even if there were evidence they had sex, she can't prove that she said ¬„no.¬¾ What is some help for these people? You're right. In most acquaintance rape cases, it's a question of ¬„he said/she said.¬¾ Whoever proves to be the most reliable witness will be more likely to be believed. This is why, unfortunately, most of the cases the D.A. decides to prosecute are stranger rape cases. But, as we continue to educate the public, more people who serve on juries will understand how acquaintance rape occurs. We believe the victims should report if they feel able to do so. If the same person has been accused of multiple rapes, eventually, the courts may take the case. There are, however, many good healing agencies for the victims of rape. You can find them on the green resource sheet. (4/1/03) Why should you report a rape if so many steps are involved to prosecute the rapist? One good reason to report is that if the rapist is convicted and goes to jail, he will not be able to hurt more people. Also, it may help the victim heal. Of course, reporting is not for everyone. It's always the victim's decision whether or not to report. In San Francisco, SF Women against Rape will provide the victim with a legal advocate, which can make the entire reporting procedure easier. (4/2/03) Are the amount of rapes since 10 or 20 years ago increasing? Like other violent crimes, the amount of rapes have been decreasing during the last 10 years. Law enforcement people say they are locking more rapists up, and educators say their work is having an effect. But the truth is that during times of relative economic prosperity crime goes down. Also, street crimes tend to be crimes of youth (unlike corporate crime, which doesn't get counted by law enforcement), and the youth population, until recently, had been decreasing. Watch for changes as the economy worsens and the youth population grows. Please know that this statement is not as ageist as it might appear to be. Middle-aged white collar criminals may do more damage to the society, but their crimes often go undetected. (4/5/03) Re: your statement about there being no bad cultures, what is your take on genital mutilation? We see genital mutilation as a problem of patriarchal culture just as we see the psychological ¬„clitorectomies¬¾ perpetrated by Freud, who claimed that the mature woman would experience orgasm in her vagina and not in her clitoris, as a problem of patriarchal culture. Across cultures where men dominate women, women are sadly and consistently robbed of ownership of their sexuality. This is not specific to any one culture. It crosses cultures. (4/5/03) In a gay-bashing rape, would the rapist tend to use his penis or an object? Although we do not have access to statistics to answer this question, it's important for you to know that sometimes a male rapist is afraid of his own homosexual desires and raping a man is a way of punishing him for what is actually in the rapist's own mind. The rapist blames the victim for his own feelings. Remember that the primary motivating factor in any rape is anger, control, and domination, with sex being used as a weapon and serving as only one factor. (4/7/03) What if a person agrees to sex at first, they do have sex, and the person later accuses their partner of rape? As long as the person who agreed to sex did not fear for her or his life when he/she agreed, then that would be a false accusation and unfair to the partner. However, if someone agrees to sex but then become so drunk or high that he or she can no longer give consent, do not have sex with that person until he or she sobers up and can give consent again. (4/7/03) Are their any hints or signs that the ¬„friend¬¾ you think you ¬„know¬¾ is going to rape you? How can you tell or be aware of that even if you think you know them? There are some hints you can look for. We list them on the yellow sheet called ¬„Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality.¬¾ If you can't find it, you can locate it on our website (ccsf.edu/psurvive) under ¬„Resources.¬¾ Here are some of the danger signs from I Never Called It Rape by Robin Warshaw: Ignores your opinion and gets moody when you initiate an idea or action Tells you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, which movies to go to Gets jealous when you talk to someone else Drinks heavily or uses drugs or tries to get you intoxicated Pushes or grabs you or others Acts in an intimidating way (sits too close, touches you when you asked him/her not to) Cannot handle sexual frustration without becoming angry Enjoys being cruel to animals, younger children or others he/she can bully (4/7/03) I think I am in an abusive relationship (not physical). I would like to get out of it without too much drama. Any tips? First, congratulations for recognizing the problem. Second. let him/her know that you need to have some space. Don't let him/her manipulate you by telling you he/she will change. Remember the ¬„hearts and flowers¬¾ part of the cycle of violence. Also, tell the friends and family members you trust what you are doing so that you will have support and not be alone as you take this brave step. Good luck! (4/7/03) Is it possible to help the abuser change his or her ways? If so, how? What can you do if the person getting abused doesn't want to get help? It is possible for the abuser to change his or her ways, but abusers can only do this with outside help. Sadly, if the person does not want to get help, there is not much other people can do; however, if there is physical violence, the police can be called. Once the abuser is arrested, he or she may receive court mandated treatment at a program like MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence). After a year of treatment, abusers can learn new and non-abusive patterns of behavior. Without help, they will not change. Victims should repair their own damaged self-esteem and prepare to leave the relationship. (4/7/03) If an 18-year-old guy gets a 16-year-old girl pregnant and the parents complain and want to put charges on the male, what would happen to the guy if the girl doesn't want charges to go towards him because she may want to stay with him because of love? What may happen to the guy? The most the 18-year-old could be charged with in the state of California would be a misdemeanor. The young woman does not need to testify because the pregnancy (with proper DNA testing) is evidence that they had sex. (4/9/03) Why can't teens be made to testify against each other in a statutory rape case? To review the statutory rape law in California: the age of consent is 18, so if a teen-ager younger than 18 consents to sex with an adult 18 or over, the older person could be charged with statutory rape. However, as you know, the law in California has recently changed to acknowledge teen sexuality so that if there is less than three years age difference between the two people in the couple, the most the older person would be charged with is a misdemeanor. If BOTH partners are under 18, they could both be charged. Of course, this usually only happens when a parent complains. Teens cannot be made to testify against each other because they are both involved in the same ¬„crime.¬¾ So if one is asked to testify against the other, he or she can plead the Fifth Amendment, which allows a witness to refuse to testify on grounds that the testimony could incriminate him or her. Usually the only way a case like this can go forward is if the couple involved is heterosexual and the woman has gotten pregnant. Then DNA testing can be done to determine if the couple had sex with one another. (4/9/03) If a woman is being abused, how can she get better? If a woman is being abused, she can get help from various agencies. WOMAN, Inc is the best place to start. Their number is 864-4777. They can help her put together a safety plan, find a shelter, obtain a restraining order, and join a support group. If she is not ready to leave the batterer, a support group will help her build her self-esteem up so that she can make better decisions. Remember that there is also help for teens in battering relationships. (4/9/03) How many women and men get raped a year? In the year 2000, the National Crime Victimization Survey, which looks at all rapes, not just reported rapes, listed 92,000 completed rapes, of which about 10% were of men. The rest were of women. (4/10/03) How do I cope with being a young woman (22) whose mother is being verbally abused? I see it when I'm home. My mother talks to me about it because I'm one of the few people she can talk to. It's good that your mother can confide in you, but it's important that you do not try to take the role of a counselor. We suggest that your mother join a support group. WOMAN, Inc is a good place to start. Their number is 864-4777. Support groups help victims of verbal abuse as well as physical abuse. Often in cases of verbal abuse, the victim has started to fight back by verbally abusing her partner. Of course, we don't condone any kind of abuse. But the victim is the secondary abuser, not the primary abuser. The secondary abuser usually is afraid of the other person and often takes responsibility for all the abuse. This plays right into the hands of the primary abuser who can then blame the victim. A good support group can help your mother unravel this situation, build back her self-esteem, and refuse to take the verbal abuse any longer. If, in fact, she has participated in any kind of abuse herself, her rebuilt self-esteem will allow her to discontinue any abuse she may be doing herself out of frustration. (4/10/03) I was sexually assaulted on public transportation, and later saw the person several times while he was obviously looking for another victim. Is there any way I can stop him? First, you may want to contact SF Women against Rape for some counseling for yourself. Second, you may want to report the incident to the public transportation agency ( MUNI. BART. AMTRAK, etc.) responsible for the vehicle on which the assault occurred. That would allow security to watch out for someone matching the description you give. SFWAR may also have other ideas to help you. Good luck. (4/10/03) Why do victims return to their abusers after they made it out? The Cycle of Violence Honeymoon or Hearts and Flowers Stage is the main reason why victims return to their abusers after they have made it out. The abuser visits the victim and promises to change. He or she is often very convincing, and if the victim hasn't gotten help to repair damaged self-esteem, the abuser's manipulative charm, promises, and outright lies can trap the victim all over again, which is the reason it's so important to get counseling after leaving an abusive relationship. (4/21/03) Do you have classes in another language? Starting in the fall we will be able to give our presentation in Spanish, but we do not have entire classes in another language. (4/21/03) Why do people stay in abusive relationships? Is it the sex, the children, the enjoyment of the roller coaster? Or is it that you never got the affection and sex? Or is it all of this together? We believe that all of these reasons make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship, along with financial security; social, sexual, and/or immigration status; fear of being alone, belief that the abusive person will change, lowered self-esteem, and sometimes pressure from family to try to work it out. Leaving an abusive relationship is a very challenging process, but it can be done. (4/22/03) We know that physical abuse happens at the same rate in GLBT relationships as it does in heterosexual relationships. What about rape in same sex relationships as compared to opposite sex relationships? According to Greg Merrill of the San Francisco Rape Treatment and Trauma Recovery Center, rape occurs in same sex relationships at about the same rate as it occurs in opposite sex relationships. Two separate studies show that rape is no less prevalent in gay and lesbian relationships than it is in heterosexual relationships. (5/1/03) How could I not be so controlling? Controlling behavior usually comes from some form of insecurity. It's also not uncommon in adults who grew up in families where one or both parents had a substance abuse problem. The key is to build your self-esteem, which can be done through counseling and other growth activities, such as focused writing in a journal where you reflect on what triggers your controlling behavior. In that way you can prepare yourself for the times and places and people that make you vulnerable and devise strategies to keep you feeling better about yourself in those situations. (5/1/03) Why are some people abusive? What are the causes? We have a semester-long class on the causes of abusive behavior. It's called The Politics of Sexual Violence, IDST 54. In that class we look at political systems and social conditioning that allow and encourage abusive behavior, and we also examine the psychological factors. Usually people abuse because it's been done to them, their self-esteem has been damaged, and so they abuse others in order not to have to face their own pain from previous injury. They can get help. They can change. But they must want to do it and work at it. Changing behavior patterns is challenging work. (5/5/03) Is it rape if it is done with things instead of the genitals? Yes it is. Forced penetration of the vagina or anus with a penis or with a foreign object (which includes any part of the body that is not the penis) is considered rape, as is forced oral copulation. (5/5/03) I love my boyfriend, and he is not an abuser. I can't leave him because I don't want any other man in my life. What can I do? It's a little hard to understand this question. Maybe what you're saying is that you need a break, and that's okay. You take a risk that he will not be there when you return, but if you need time apart, it's important that you take that risk. (5/5/03) Is it rape if a 15-year-old boy has sex with a 10-year-old child if the child does not say no but the child does not want to have sex? Yes it would be considered rape. The 10-year-old does not have to say no in order for it to be rape because he/she is not old enough to give consent. (5/5/03) How is unsatisfying sex unhealthy in a relationship? What do you mean by that? How does it affect you? Unsatisfying sex is sex that does not give you much or any pleasure. It usually means that one or both partners do not experience an orgasm. It leaves people feeling frustrated. Unsatisfying sex is not healthy because one or both of the partners is not getting needs met. It probably means that the couple does not have good sexual communication and may indicate that other forms of communication in the relationship are also lacking. (5/6/03) My mom has an abusive boyfriend, and he made her sell her house, move to the middle of Nevada where he beats her there, still. It's been about 10 years. He's been to jail for possession of a firearm as an ex-felon (drunk driving homicide), but she didn't leave him even when he was in jail because his welding tolls were too much for her to confront moving off her property. We're not sure what your question is, but it sounds like your mom needs some support to help her get out of this relationship. You can try to be there for her, but remember that only she can decide if she wants to try to get out of this situation. You might recommend the book by Ginny NiCarthy called Getting Free. We list it on the blue hand-out. (5/8/03) Where does a child conceived by a rape go for support? We suggest calling the San Francisco Rape Treatment and Trauma Recovery Center. It is listed on the green resource sheet. The number is 206-3222. Good luck.