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(10/12/01) If someone is disturbed with sexual words or behavior (i.e., sexual harassment), what should he or she do?

First, begin a log of the time and place that the unwanted behavior occurs. Then decide among the following options. You can always tell the harasser that you want the behavior to stop. You may do this in writing of verbally. Often the behavior will stop at this point. If it does not, choose your option based on the situation. If the offender is a student, you may tell the teacher, the department chair, the Dean of Students and/or the Affirmative Action Office. If the offender is a teacher, you may go to the department chair, the dean, and the Affirmative Action Office. Please stop by the Project SURVIVE office in Cloud 402 or the Women's Resource Center in Smith Hall 103-104 to pick up a brochure with more information that can help you. You can also always call us at 239-3899.

(10/12/01) What do people think about sex with their partner? Does sex equal love?

Sex means different things to different people and even different things to the same people in different situations. Often sex is an expression of love, but sometimes people engage in sexual behavior for pleasure only. They may like the person they are having sex with, but they may not necessarily be in love with that person. Still other people only engage in sexual behavior with people they love.

(10/12/01) The presentation seems all about rape and violence and how to get help from those organizations that deal with sexual and domestic violence, but is there anything else provided for improving healthy relationships like exercises or services?

That's a good question. Please remember the healthy relationship brainstorm and the hand-out on non-violent and mature relationships. We also recommend Psychology 15: Assertive Behavior. If you learn how to be assertive, you will be a healthier person able to ask for and give positive feedback in all of your relationships.

(10/12/01) Is it illegal to have sex in a car?

It is not illegal to have sex in a car, although sometimes police officers will attempt to stop a couple engaging in sex in a vehicle because the couple may be putting themselves at risk for robbery or other crimes.

(10/12/01) Does a person always know if she/he has been raped?

Sometimes a person does not know if she/he has been raped because she/he does not know the legal definition of rape. If you say "no," to sex and the other person continues, that's rape. Even if you have made love to that person before, even if you originally gave that person consent on that particular occasion and then changed your mind, even if your clothes are off, it is still rape. Or you might have been so drunk that you were unable to give consent. Or you might fear for your life or the life of someone you love, so you submit to the attack. You are not saying "yes" to sex. Project SURVIVE uses a book I Never Called It Rape by Robin Warshaw. You might check it out because it explains the answer to your question in even greater detail.

(10/18/01) What makes a person want to hurt another person even though the person does not want to be hurt? What is the intent? Why would someone do this?

The first part of the answer, perhaps the most important part, is that it is never the victim's fault. The abuser will often try to blame the victim, but we believe that the abuser is suffering from some deep pain and seeks to cover it up by inflicting it on someone else. A political system built on a hierarchy that gives people with power over other people permission to abuse people under them is partly at fault. A social system that encourages violence to settle quarrels is also at fault. Finally, however, each abuser must take responsibility for the injury he/she inflicts on someone else, and if the abuser were to examine and heal his/her OWN pain, he/she would not need to hurt someone else. We have an entire class at City College called "The Politics of Sexual Violence." It's offered every fall semester. We grapple with this question in that class. You might consider signing up for it next fall.

(10/22/01) Is there a Project SURVIVE for men?

Project SURVIVE is for both women AND men. Please join us! Call 239-3899, or sign up for our classes: IDST 54 "The Politics of Sexual Violence" and IDST 55: "Ending Sexual Violence."

(10/22/01) If an attempted victim has gone through counseling and continues to have trust issues in relationships (especially with men), should she/he do follow-up counseling, or is this something that goes away in time? Time heals, so they say.

In a way you have answered your own question. Follow-up counseling is not a bad idea AND time does heal. Trusting relationships also are part of the healing, but you need time to experience this kind of relationship. A good friendship and a loving relationship can only be built over time. It needs to be tested, and it takes time to do that. On the other hand, a sensitive counselor can help guide a person past defensive barriers that don't allow trust to build.

(10/25/01) I was involved in a mildly abusive relationship for several years. I'm now involved in a caring relationship. I'm looking for a good book or information that would help me heal. Sometimes I expect my new partner to behave in the same abusive ways as my former partner. I know it takes time to heal, but I'd like a resource to help me work through my feelings and fears. All resources on your sheet are for people who haven't escaped yet.

Since you're not in serious crisis, you might consider using the services of Student Health at City College. We recommend counselor Lori Wong. You can see her for six sessions for free. Her number is 239-3148. She can also recommend a support group that might help you work through some of your trust issues. There will be new support groups starting up at the beginning of the semester. I also recommend the following book: Embracing the Beloved: Relationship As a Path of Awakening by Stephen and Ondrea Levine. It may be what you are looking for.

(11/6/01) How effective/successful is MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence) in changing men's behavior?

At this point we do not have a lot of statistical evidence that MOVE decreases violent behavior, but we have strong anecdotal evidence that it does change battering/abusive behavior. We have personal testimonies and stories of both batterers and their former victims. Hopefully, soon a researcher from UCSF with a Center for Disease grant will be able to conduct a scientific study that will provide you with the answer you are looking for. It's important to remember that only programs like MOVE where batterers are in treatment for 12-18 months every week for two hours a week have any chance of making a difference and changing patterns of abuse. Those programs that meet for six weeks are useless.

(11/8/01) The violent person always gives you a sign. When that happens, is it better to leave or stay, hoping to change him/her?

It is always better to leave as soon as you can. It is impossible for one person to change another person. Only the violent person can change his/her behavior. You can get tricked and trapped into thinking that you can help that person. Instead, the violence will get worse over time. The violent person will blame the victim, and eventually the victim will blame her/himself. Leave before it gets to that point. If it already has, leave, and get counseling to build back your self-esteem.

(11/8/01) If rape is his word against hers, is it really rape? How would you really tell, and what if she wasn't?

You've raised an important issue. Most rapes are acquaintance rapes, and so even though there may be evidence that a sexual act occurred, no one except the two parties knows whether or not there was consent. First, you need to know that law enforcement finds a low false reporting rate for rape, about 2% of reported rapes. This false reporting rate is similar to other crimes. Second, you need to know that more often what happens is that the victim does NOT report. Nation-wide the estimate is that 85% of rapes are NOT reported. It is very hard to report rape. The evidentiary exam, even in the best of circumstances, is difficult, which keeps some people from reporting. Often the victim unjustly blames herself or himself (men can be raped by other men and, much less often, by women) and so does not report. Third, part of the evidence collection process looks for any signs of force not consistent with consensual sex. Even those signs, however, may not be present although a rape has occurred. So what prevails in the end is the credibility of the alleged rapist and the alleged victim. The courts are still biased against women and against rape victims. There are tragic instances when a person has been falsely convicted of rape, but those instances are rare. Remember, due to such low reporting rates, only about 2-4% of the actual rapes that are estimated to occur end in convictions. Although the District Attorney may have an 80- 90% conviction rate, since very few rapes are reported and only half of those go to trial, if you do the math, you will see that many rapists go unpunished. Project SURVIVE workshops educate potential victims so that they will be more likely to report, but, most importantly, our education is aimed at preventing rape in the first place.

(11/8/01) How can mental and emotional abuse be harmful? Is it less harmful than physical abuse?

Some people think mental and emotional abuse is more harmful than physical abuse because you can heal faster from a black eye or a cut lip than you can from a damaged psyche. However, the problem is that mental and emotional abuse often accompanies physical abuse. Remember not to diminish the deep injury that mental and emotional abuse causes. Sometime people say, "My partner only uses emotional abuse. There's no physical abuse, so it's not so bad." The truth is that it IS bad.

(11/8/01) Is it rape when you say "no" and keep saying it over and over again then finally (since they wouldn't stop), you just quit saying it and lay there and let them finish?

Yes, it is rape because you made it completely clear that you were not giving your consent.

(11/8/01) If someone was raped at a young age and remembered it only through dreams when she was a teen-ager, is it possible that person was raped?

It is possible that person was raped. It is possible to repress traumatic experiences, memories of which may surface years later. There is some controversy in this area because some people, usually the accused adults who molested children, claim those memories are false. We recommend Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, a respected Harvard psychiatrist, who argues that those memories are valid.

(11/9/01) What if he hits you for the first time, should he get a second chance?

Sadly, if he hits you once, he will most likely hit you again. However, there are some stories where women have made it very clear that they will leave if their partner hits them a second time and the hitting stops. But you MUST leave after the second time because it will NOT stop. Please do not forget this. Some counselors would advise you to leave after the first time. The longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave because your self-esteem becomes damaged. Finally, please remember that no matter how long a person stays, he or she can always get out.

(11/9/01) What if you're pregnant by someone who hits you. What should I do if I'm having his baby?

First, you should know that one of the most vulnerable times for a woman to be hit is when she is pregnant. If the father of the baby is insecure, he becomes jealous of the child and the attention the mother is giving to her pregnancy. Even if you are having his child, it's important to separate because hitting can damage not only you but also your unborn baby. If the father wants to sign up for a year-long program and unlearn his pattern of abuse, you can consider getting back together with him later, but NOT before he has gone through a program.

(11/9/01) My mother is having a really bad relationship with my sister's father and I want to help her. What can I do?

Please review the blue hand-out in the Project SURVIVE packet, which explains how to help a friend in an abusive relationship. You can share some of the information you learned in the Project SURVIVE presentation. We also suggest You Can Be Free, which you may purchase at the CCSF bookstore under IDST 55. It's also available for you to borrow at the Women's Resource Center. Finally, remember that there is only so much you can do to help your mother. You also need to take care of yourself.

(11/9/01) What is the percentage of women who get raped as opposed to men who get raped?

We don't have accurate statistics here because even in anonymous surveys men are not truthful about their having been raped. However, we can tell you that men comprise 10-15 % of the rape victims seen at the SF Rape Treatment Center. Also, when it comes to child sexual abuse, the estimates are that 1 out of 4 girls are sexually abused and 1 to 6 or 9 boys are sexually abused.

(11/9/01) How many women have been raped?

The National Victims Survey conducted in the early 90s (see Transforming a Rape Culture, edited by Emilie Buchwald, et al) estimates that about 13% of adult women in the U.S. have been raped. Mary Koss's study of acquaintance rape (see I Never Called It Rape by Robin Warshaw) reports that 25% of college age women are the victims of rape or attempted rape.

(11/9/01) Please explain #2 in the What Do You Think? Survey.

#2 reads as follows: "Women provoke rape. Most women who are raped ask for it, want it, or deserve it." We, of course, disagree with this statement and believe it represents a popular myth that is untrue and blames the victim. As we stated in our answer: "Rape is a crime. Nothing in a victim's appearance or actions justifies forced sexual contact. The rapist may use the excuse 'she was asking for it by the way she was dressed'. The truth is that no one asks, wants, or deserves to be raped." Sometimes women dress in what is called a "provocative" manner with low cut blouses or tight sweaters and short skirts. There is a lot of pressure from the media and advertising for women to dress that way. Also, some women like the attention they receive when they are dressed that way. They may be indicating that they want to have sex with someone, but they are never signaling that they want to be raped. Men who dress in tight pants and remove their shirts on hot days are not asking to be raped either, but no one accuses them of such motivations. Also, a woman may be dancing suggestively and/or flirting. These are pleasurable activities and do NOT mean that she is asking to be raped. Nor does she deserve to be raped. However, due to the fact that some people believe this myth, women need to take extra precautions when they dress and/or act in ways that can be misunderstood. It's a shame that women have to be so careful about their dress and actions. It will be a much healthier society when women are as free as men are to dress and act as they please, as long as they are not hurting anyone else, of course, and not have to be afraid of being raped.

(11/9/01) What happens if an underage girl lied to her partner that she is actually an adult just to have sex with him and later on he finds out that he had sex with an underage girl? Is this considered rape?

Yes, under the law it is considered statutory rape; however, if there is less than three years age difference between the two people, the older person would only be charged with a misdemeanor.

(11/13/01) Is a woman charged for overprotecting herself during rape, such as hitting the rapist on the head?

Anyone who is being raped can defend herself or himself to stop the attack. If, however, she or he kills the rapist, the victim must prove that she or he feared for her/his life.

(11/13/01) When does the next training session start for peer educators?

The next training session begins on Tuesday, January 15. Sign up for IDST 55. The class meets on Tuesday afternoons from 1-4 p.m. You will receive three credits along with your training. Come up to Cloud 402 to get a green flier announcing the class, which is called "Ending Sexual Violence: Peer Education." Thanks for your interest.

(11/13/01) Can you give some suggestions for advice on how to handle verbal abuse that makes a person feel inferior and damages that person's self esteem? I've already tried telling the person that I don't like it.

We recommend enrolling in a 1 unit course called Assertive Training: Psychology 15. It's a short-term course that you can take at night for six weeks or on two all-day Saturday sessions. However, remember that sometimes no matter what you do, you may not be able to stop another person's verbal abuse of you. After all, it's their problem, not yours. You may have to end your relationship with that person. If it's a family member and you can't end the relationship, you may have to limit your contact with the person and explain why. That might force the person to get some help.

(11/13/01) What should we as women do in a relationship where verbal abuse is used and not physical abuse? What about if you say to him: "Why are you telling me these things?" and he still keeps abusing you and then feels bad so stops for a while, but then within weeks starts again?

You are describing The Cycle of Violence. It works the same way with verbal abuse as it does with physical abuse. Your partner needs to get some help. We recommend MOVE, Men Overcoming Violence.

(11/13/01) What if you are the one in the relationship doing the abusing? How should we as women work on our attitude?

Anyone who is abusive needs to get help. WOMAN, Inc. can tell you about groups for women who are abusive. However, you need to be very careful in the situation you have described. Sometimes when a woman is abusive, she is actually the secondary abuser. The primary abuser may be the man or the other woman in the relationship, and now the victim has started to respond with abuse. We do not condone abuse of any kind. Yet it's important to know where the abuse originated. Usually the person who is more worried about his/her abusive ways AND who is actually afraid of the other person is the secondary abuser. So, first, determine if you are the primary or secondary abuser, and then explain your situation very carefully to WOMAN, Inc. The counselors there will assist you in getting the proper support.

(11/13/01) You've mentioned that rape is a crime of power, not sex, but shouldn't women consider sexual signals they send out? The rapist IS at fault, but shouldn't women be educated to avoid certain situations (excessive drinking, close quarters, for example) in "romantic" sessions where rape is more likely to happen?

You've raised the distinction between prevention and responsibility. It is true that all of us should be cautious in dating situations and avoid excessive drinking and be careful about parking in secluded places or going to someone's apartment. Even if we think we might want to have sex with someone and so give out sexual signals, we might end up changing our minds and then find ourselves in extremely vulnerable circumstances. That said, it is STILL the responsibility of the rapist, NOT the victim, for committing the crime. At any point that your partner tells you she or he wants to stop and you do not, you are committing rape. You are abusing your power in a vulnerable situation. Remember: "Bad judgment is not a rapeable offense."

(11/13/01) Would anger management classes help an abuser control his/her temper/abusive ways? If so, are there any places where one can get the classes?

Usually anger management classes are only 6-8 weeks in duration and do not really change abusive behavior. The person needs to enroll in a program like MOVE or MAN ALIVE for men or WOMAN, Inc, for women to get real help. They must attend these support groups for 12-18 months once a week for two hours every week. Otherwise, patterns of abuse will not change.

(11/16/01) If a woman is drunk and she is raped, is it really rape?

If she is too drunk to give consent and her partner has sex with her, it is rape. If she has had a few drinks but is still able to give consent, it is not rape; however, it might not be good sex.

(11/16/01) If a girl and a guy are having sex and the girl wants him to stop and he doesn't, is it rape?

As long as she tells him she wants to stop or if she doesn't say no but fears for her life or for the life of someone she loves, then it is rape.

(11/16/01) If someone is raped and never reports it, is it too late to report it a long time after? When is it too late to report it, or is it ever?

The statute of limitations for rape in California has been extended to ten years on a case by case basis. A long-term rape charge has better chances of succeeding if all or some of the following conditions are met:

corroboration (other witnesses and/or physical evidence collected at the time of the assault)
admission by defendant
other victims with similar assaults by defendant

The statute of limitations for child sexual abuse is longer. Call Child and Adolescent Sexual Abuse Resource Center (CASARC) on the green resource sheet in the Project SURVIVE packet.

(11/20/01) Is there a way to help someone get out of an abusive relationship? My friend is in an abusive relationship of only five months. They have fights/arguments about once a week. I'm tired of trying to help when she doesn't listen to me. I'm ready to give up on her.

Try not to give up on your friend; however, it's important that you take care of yourself during this process. If you decide to stay at your friend's side, you're going to have to develop a lot of patience. You might gently tell your friend about the Project SURVIVE presentation. Look at the blue sheet called "How to Help a Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship." We have listed videos you can rent and books you can borrow from the Women's Resource Center. Many of them are also in Rosenberg Library. Remind your friend that verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse and that even if it doesn't, over time, verbal abuse damages a person's self-esteem. Watch yourself. If you lose your patience or your temper, you will only make the situation worse. At that point it would be better to tell your friend that you need to step out of the picture. When you do that, she or he might finally realize the seriousness of the problem. You cannot count on that happening, however.

(11/20/01) Do you feel sex offenders who have committed rape and served time who are truly determined to change their ways deserve a second chance in society? Do you think it is fair that it is harder for them to get jobs or if they move to a certain area everyone knows that a registered sex offender is living in their community?

This is a tough question. First, we want to say that if the person has only served time but not gotten any kind of rehabilitative therapy, we worry about that person's ability to refrain from sexual abuse. If the person was sexually victimized in prison, chances are even greater that the person will re-offend. Second, for now we want to say that the practice of making public the residency of a registered sex offender may be necessary for the greater protection of the community. All of us need to be educated about sexual abuse. Sex offenders usually were once victims, so if they receive treatment for their original pain and psychic injury and support from family and friends, they have a better chance of not re-offending. They will also understand the public's initial fear of their presence in the community. In tribal cultures--and all of our ancestors lived in tribes at one time--offenders are isolated and ostracized from the tribe until they change their behavior. Sometimes they are forever banned from the tribe. At a certain point offenders don't seem to deserve a second chance; nor does it seem to do any good if they get one.

(11/20/01) Do you have statistics on incidents of reported rapes in different socio-economic brackets?

Rape occurs in all cultures and all socio-economic classes in the United States. There is a stereotype that claims people in lower socio-economic classes are more violent than people in higher classes. We do not believe that stereotype. It is very difficult to get good statistics for the several reasons. Upper class people are able to hide rapes they commit because their victims feel no one will believe them and so report the rapes less often. If they do get reported, the rapist with more money can afford to hire a powerful attorney who can often win against a prosecuting attorney. Anonymous surveys are one way to get these statistics, however. The National Crime Victimization Survey of the Bureau of Justice Statistics reported in 1996 that those with a household income under $7.500 were twice as likely as the general population to be victims of a sexual assault. Remember that their perpetrators may come from high-income as well as low-income populations.

(11/20/01) I'd like to know the incidence of rape in the United States as compared to other countries. I know the reporting of rape is an issue in this question.

The rate of sexual assault in the United States is the highest of any industrialized nation in the world. Source: Reiso, A.J. and Roth, J.A. (Eds.) (1993) Understanding and preventing violence. Washington, D.C.: National Academy Press.

(11/20/01) What are the incidences of rape in prostitution? Do prostitutes have rights?

Prostitutes are extremely vulnerable to rape and battery while working. Although it is a crime to rape and/or batter a prostitute, prostitutes are unlikely to report the crime for fear of going to jail themselves. This is another reason to legalize prostitution.

(11/20/01) Is it possible to report rape when the rape occurred a few years ago? Would anyone believe you? What would happen to the person?

corroboration (other witnesses and/or physical evidence collected at the time of the assault)
admission by defendant
other victims with similar assaults by defendant.

Authorities will believe you because they know that rape is a difficult crime to report, and many people do not report it when it happens. But please note the stringent conditions outlined above.

(11/20/01) Would you always have to say "no" to sex for it to be considered rape?

No. You don't always have to say "no" to sex for it to be considered rape. The law says that it is rape if you either do not give consent or are not able to give consent. The following are incidences in which a victim would not be able to give consent:

the person gives consent but is underage (in California the age of consent is 18)=statutory rape
the victim is under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol and so cannot give consent
the victim fears for her/his life or the life of someone they care about and so submits to the attack

(11/26/01) What can you do right away if you were raped by a stranger?

First, get to a safe place. Next, we recommend calling the police and giving them a description of the person so that he/she might be apprehended. We also recommend going to the San Francisco Rape and Trauma Recovery Center at San Francisco General Hospital. It is a state of the art facility with medical and social work personnel who have been expertly trained to help rape victims go through the evidence-collecting exam. You may decide not to report, but if you do report, you will have important evidence. Even if you don't want to go through pressing charges, this evidence can be used if the same person is charged in another rape. You may also want to call San Francisco Women against Rape (SFWAR) before you go to the Rape Treatment Center because SFWAR can supply you with an advocate who will stay with you while you go through the exam at the hospital. If you decide to press charges and the case goes to trial, your advocate will also be able to accompany you there. Finally, it's necessary to get short-term counseling (8-12 weeks is best) that both SFWAR and the Rape Treatment Center offer on a sliding-scale basis. The counselor and support group will help you recover from the trauma syndrome experienced by rape survivors.

(11/27/01) How can an abuser get help and stay with his wife?

He must enter into a program at MOVE, Men Overcoming Violence, or Man Alive. See the green resource sheet. He can stay with his wife but must draw up a contract in which he promises not to verbally or physically abuse her or the children if the couple has any. If he has an alcohol and/or drug problem, he must also enter into a substance abuse program. We recommend that couples separate while the abuser is undergoing treatment, but that is not always possible. We also recommend that the abused get help through a support group (WOMAN, Inc. will help with referrals) to build back self-esteem.

(11/29/01) How does the law define physical child abuse?

The law defines physical child abuse as "inhuman corporal punishment or injury resulting in a traumatic condition." Although we don't recommend spanking children, a minor spanking that does not leave a mark on the child would not constitute child abuse.

(11/29/01) How many times do girls want to have sex and boys refuse it?

Although we do not have statistics to answer this question, we can address the issue we think the question is going after. Many people falsely believe that men always want to have sex, and that they want to have sex more often than women do. We believe that without gender role conditioning each person's desire to have sex would vary on an individual basis rather than by gender. But in our culture we are conditioned to believe that a "real man" always wants to have sex and that a "lady" does not. The truth is that there are often situations in an opposite sex couple where a woman wants to have sex and the man doesn't. Usually she doesn't end up raping him because the man will not say "no" but instead go ahead and have the sex because he believes he needs to do that to keep up his image as a "real man." No one should have unwanted sex. It will diminish the health of a relationship. Good, satisfying sex is consensual and mutually desired. Not only do both partners agree to it, but both partners also WANT it.

(11/29/01) What is the success rate of couples getting together after battering counseling?

Unfortunately, we do not have good statistics to answer this question with hard facts. MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence) offers anecdotal reports of couples reuniting successfully after battering counseling. However, the counseling must be intensive. The batterer must attend two-hour sessions once a week every week for 12-18 months. Also, for the reunion to be successful, it is a good idea for the victim to join a support group to build back his or her self-esteem, which is damaged through battering and verbal abuse.

(11/30/01) Is a relationship healthy enough without sex?

Of course. Please remember that we said a healthy relationship would involve sex only if BOTH partners consent to it and both parties are satisfied with it. If one or both people do not want to have sex, they can still have a healthy relationship. However, if one person wants it and the other person does not and they still want to maintain the relationship, they need to have a serious discussion about which level of relationship they both feel comfortable maintaining. Do they just want to be friends? Do they want to talk about having sex in the future? Through this discussion they may find they have different needs and may decide to part or to maintain a friendship with each other while they seek a romantic relationship with someone else.

(11/30/01) What is the most important factor that causes most victims to stay in an abusive relationship?

At first, the most important factor is probably love, and then other factors such as money, children, and fear take over.

(12/5/01) Is it unlawful if an older woman (say about 25 or 30) seduces a minor boy (say about 16) into having sex even if the boy agrees to it? Is it rape? Is it a misdemeanor?

The situation you describe is called statutory rape, and the older person could be charge with a rape felony. The law's intention is to discourage an older person from having sex with an underage minor even if the minor agrees to the sex because there is such a large power difference between the two people. The older person may be taking advantage of her/his power.

(12/5/01) If a woman says "no!" and you keep bringing her alcohol and she finally says "yes," is that rape?

Whether or not it is rape depends on her state of inebriation. If she is conscious enough to say "yes," then it would not be legally rape. However, it may not be good sex because you have perhaps manipulated her into having sex that she didn't originally want. This kind of sex will not, in the long run, contribute to a healthy relationship.

(12/5/01) If someone under 21 has been drinking and you have sex, is that rape?

As long as the person didn't say no, is 18 or over, is conscious enough to be able to give consent, and does not fear for her or his life if she/he says no, then it is not legally rape.

(12/5/01) Of all rapes, what percentage are violent rapes?

As you know, the act of rape itself is a form of violence; however, rapes where other violence, besides the rape, occurs make up about 25% of all rapes. Only rarely do rapists murder their victims.

(12/6/01) Can a big man be raped by a woman?

Although the incidence of women raping men is low, it can happen. A big man could be raped by a woman. She could use a weapon to intimidate him, and a man can get an erection out of fear. No matter the difference in their size, she may know martial arts. However, it is true that if a man is raped, it is usually by another man.

(12/6/01) How come rape is mostly done by a person you know?

This is a hard question because it raises the very sad issue of people hurting people they know and sometimes even love. The rapist is an insecure person who does not know how to deal with disappointment, rejection, anger, and frustration. He (or sometimes she) takes these feelings out on someone they know, a victim who is particular vulnerable because she (or sometimes he) lets down his/her guard with a friend, lover, or acquaintance.

(12/6/01) What is the charge for rape?

Rape is a felony and can carry six months to 7 or more years depending on whether or not it is a first offense and whether or not there is violence beyond the rape itself.

(12/6/01) What if both people in the relationship abuse each other?

This may happen, but usually there is a primary abuser, and the other person is responding in- appropriately to the abuse. That person is called the secondary abuser. At this point both people need help in repairing self-esteem. Remember couples counseling is not advised when there is abuse.

(12/6/01) Do people get killed when getting raped?

This happens only very rarely. Most people do not get killed when getting raped, but they often fear this will happen, and that fear must be overcome during the healing process that follows the rape.

(12/6/01) I like this guy, but my friend always flirts with him. I don't think she realizes it, but it kind of hurts. What should I do?

Probably the best thing would be to be honest with your friend, since she probably doesn't realize that her behavior is hurting you. If she does, then you need to re-evaluate your friendship. On the other hand, maybe she doesn't know you like the guy and she knows she does, so her flirting with him would be okay. Again if she is a good friend, an honest talk is the best thing to do.

(12/6/01) What is the percentage of people getting pregnant after being raped?

The percentage is very low, although it can happen. If a woman is raped during her fertile time, it's a good idea to take the morning-after pill if she knows she would not have the baby. The San Francisco Rape Treatment Center and the Child and Adolescent Sexual Abuse Resource Center, both part of San Francisco General Hospital can administer the pill.

(12/6/01) Every time I get into trouble at home, my parents first yell at me, then they start to beat me with their fist, sometimes with a belt. I love them a lot and don't want to tell and get them in trouble. How do I handle this? I don't want to run away because if I do they're just going to get more angry. Help!

This is a very serious situation because what your parents are doing could be considered child abuse. If you tell a counselor or a teacher, they are mandated by the law to report your parents to Child Protective Services. I understand that you don't want to get your parents in trouble, but what they are doing is wrong and is hurting you psychologically as well as physically. Perhaps there is a safe person in your family who can talk to your parents. Perhaps you can explain to your parents that you had a presentation in your health class and the presenter said that what they were doing could be considered illegal, that you don't want to get them in trouble, but you need the abuse to stop. There is a Child Abuse Prevention Hot Line, and they can give you further anonymous assistance.

(12/6/01) How do you know you're in love? What do you do if you see signs but you love someone so much and are scared to say anything? What should you do?

It's hard to let someone you care about know you care because there's always the chance that they won't return the affection. The best you can do is to be honest with that person and be ready for good or bad news. Growing up is learning to deal with rejection. Just because you are rejected doesn't mean you are a bad person.

(12/12/01) What is the date rape drug and how can you protect yourself from it?

There are two known date rape drugs: Rohypnol, known as "roofies," and GHB (gamma-hydroxybutyrate), sometimes known as Grievous Bodily Harm and also Liquid X. A potential rapist can hide either drug in a drink, where it would not be detected. This can happen at a bar, at a party, or at a club. Someone, even someone you know or have just met, slips the drug into your drink when you go to the restroom or get up to dance. You cannot see it, smell it, or taste it. You become weak and eventually unconscious and can be easily raped. Since the drug causes amnesia, you may not know what happened or who raped you. The drugs can also kill you. You may notice the following symptoms before you pass out: drowsiness, confusion, disinhibition

To protect yourself,

do not drink beverages that you did not open or pour yourself
don't share or exchange drinks with anyone
don't drink from a punch bowl or from a container that is being passed around, and if someone offers you a drink from the bar at a club or a party, go with the person to order your drink, watch the drink being poured, and carry the drink yourself
don't leave your drink unattended while talking, dancing, using the restroom, or making a phone call, and if you realize that your drink has been left unattended, throw it out. Also, protect your friends: When you go out together, designate a sober person. That person can drive you all home and can also be on the lookout for suspicious behavior.

This information comes from an excellent brochure published by the Santa Monica Rape Treatment Center. If you would like more details and/or help if you think you or a friend has suffered from the effects of one of these drugs, please call Project SURVIVE at 239-3899 for an appointment.

(2/5/02) How can you get away from the cycle of violence?

If you are the victim in the cycle, we suggest you get some counseling. You may start by getting some advice from the Project SURVIVE office. Call us at 239-3899 to make an appointment. You may also call Lori Wong at Student Health at 239-3148. Or you may call WOMAN, Inc., La Casa de las Madres, or the Asian Women's Shelter. All of those organizations are listed on our green resource sheet. All of them offer support groups that can help you get yourself out of the cycle of violence. We also recommend a small book, available in the Women's Resource Center in Smith Hall 103-104 (Monday-Friday 9 a.m. to 2 p.m.) and also at the Health Resource Center in Cloud Hall 405 (Monday-Friday 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.): You Can Be Free by Ginny NiCarthy.

If you are the abuser and you are a man, call Men Overcoming Violence, and if you are a woman, you may also call WOMAN, Inc. Those numbers are also on the green resource sheet.

Good luck!

(2/6/02) What should I do if my boyfriend is angry with me?

First, it's important to decide whether the anger is justified. If it is not, then it is your boyfriend who has the problem. You cannot solve his problem; only he can do this. Even if his anger is justified, your boyfriend may not be expressing his anger in a healthy way. It is not healthy to call someone names, to criticize them constantly, to humiliate them, or to withdraw from them. Of course, it is NEVER okay to hit someone when you are angry with them. As you can see, you have some decisions to make. If you want to learn how to resist someone who is treating you unfairly in any kind of situation, you might consider taking a one unit class, Psychology 15, Assertive Behavior. You can always call us at Project SURVIVE for advice, or e-mail us at lsimon@ccsf.org.

(2/6/02) How can anger affect our health? How does anger cause blood pressure to rise and heart attacks to occur?

First, we'd like to recommend a book in the Health Resource Center in Cloud 405 called Health and Wellness by Edlin and Golanty. Look on page 227 for an excellent reading on dealing with anger. Next, we'll address your question. You have actually answered your first question, in part, by asking your second question. One way that anger, which is not dealt with properly, can adversely affect our health is by causing our blood pressure to rise and heart attacks to occur. Feelings connected to anger and other stress can affect the nervous, immune, and hormone systems. If those systems are activated or overstimulated, the body becomes vulnerable to disease, including heart disease and depression. Anger that is not dealt with in a healthy way may cause blood pressure to rise because our bodies are wired to react to stress by either escaping the situation or fighting’Ä¼the "flight or fight" response. If neither one of these reactions is appropriate or possible and the person does not find a way to alleviate the stress, the body remains in a hyper-alert state where the heart rate and force of contractions on the heart muscle increase, and the blood vessels constrict. These reactions can cause heart disease and eventually lead to heart attacks.

(2/6/02) Would it still be rape when you accept to have sex and in the middle of it you say "no" and they continue?

Yes. This would constitute rape. You have a right to say "no" at any point. At that time the other person must stop.

(2/13/02) What if there is no sex involved, but the partner threatens to commit suicide if the other person leaves? In other words, there is a kind of mental domination in the relationship.

This is a very important question. In many abusive relationships, the abuse never becomes physical or sexual; instead, it is emotional and can involve verbal abuse, threats of harm and/or suicide, withdrawal of money, and so forth. The behavior you describe may be abusive if the person is making those threats to control you. Suicide threats are serious, however. The person needs help, but that does not mean you need to stay with the person in an attempt to save him or her.

(2/13/02) What happens if you are in a relationship and it has been going very well but later on the guy gets a little emotional and the girl said, "stop," and the guy won't but he does later on. He doesn't do anything, but he does try. What should we do?

I'm a little confused about the question, but I think I know what you're asking. It seems like at first the guy did not listen to the girl, but later did. It also seems that he did not end up raping her. However, he should have stopped as soon as she asked him to stop. In terms of what you should do, the best advice is to continue to insist on what you want to have happen. If you want your partner to stop, and he or she does not, keep saying it. Give specific directions, such as "I want you to take your hands off of me now." Remember that even if you do everything right, your partner may not respond in the way you would like. Also, please remember that if you or a friend is raped, it is the fault of the rapist.

(2/13/02) Is non-consensual oral and anal sex considered rape?

Yes. Yes. Yes. The definition of rape depends on the issue of consent.

If someone says no, in other words, does not give consent, it's rape.

If someone is unable to give consent (underage or under the influence), it's rape.

If someone fears for his/her or life or the life of someone he/she cares about and so submits to the attack, it's rape. There is no consent in any of these situations.

The following sexual acts committed without consent are considered felony offenses.

sodomy ’Ä¼ sexual contact consisting of contact between the penis of one person and the anus of another person

oral copulation ’Ä¼ the act of copulating the mouth of one person with the sexual organ or anus of another person

sexual penetration ’Ä¼ the act of causing the penetration of the genital or anal openings of any person or causing another person to so penetrate the defendant's or another person's genital or anal openings for the purpose of sexual arousal, gratification, or abuse by any foreign object, substance, instrument, or device, or by any unknown object
(California Penal Code Sections 286, 288.a, 289.1, 2000)

(2/19/02) It seems that even though people report rapes and get rape kits from the police, the evidence ends up on a shelf, sitting and waiting for the city to submit these kits for results. Is there any group following up on this? It seems to be a very controversial issue that police departments are hiding this secret from rape victims so these rapists continue with no consequences.

This is a good question, and you need to know that progress is being made. It costs about $500-1000 to process a kit. The San Francisco Rape Treatment Center always collects evidence when the rape victim so requests. They hold the evidence and do not give it to the police until and unless the victim asks that they do so. It is always the client's choice whether or not to report to the police. Once the kit goes to the police, it is up to the District Attorney to decide whether to process the kit. Some kits are given priority over others since each kit is expensive to process. DNA evidence has been collected since the 1980s. In 1989 DNA evidence became submissable evidence, although it was blocked for a while by an appellate court case. Finally, DNA evidence is now permissable in court. Government grant money has been used to start processing old kits. Many unsolved cases will be solved since all people in state prison will need to give samples. Also, innocent people will be freed. You may call the D.A.'s office in San Francisco for more information: 553-1743.

(2/28/02) What is the best way to react if your partner lies or cheats on you?

Lying and cheating do not make for a healthy relationship. Although you may love the person, you need to consider your own needs. It's probably a good idea to consider leaving a partner who is not honest with you, especially if that person's behavior has become a pattern. If you decide to stay with the person, you may want to set up terms that you are comfortable with. For instance, if you need a monogamous relationship, you can tell your partner that you will leave if cheating and follow-up lying happens again.

(3/6/02) What is the difference between molestation and rape?

Rape involves forced vaginal or anal intercourse or forced oral copulation. Sexual molestation usually refers to unwanted sexual activity that an adult forces on a child that does not include rape. However, child sexual abuse may also involve actual rape.

(3/6/02) How can a lesbian or gay rape the same sex?

It's very simple. Anyone who forces unwanted sexual activity of the kind described above would be committing rape. Forced sex is rape.

(3/6/02) What does sado-masochistic sex play? Is it for heterosexuals as well as for gay and lesbians?

Sado-masochistic sex play usually involves behavior that we might otherwise call abusive or violent, but it is done within the context of rules, so no one would actually get hurt. In sadomasochistic sex play, consenting partners negotiate their roles, and the partner who might be getting slapped or tied up, for example, has total control to stop the play at any time. People of any sexual orientation might be involved in this kind of sexual activity.

(3/6/02) Do teens or young children usually get over their being raped or molested? How long does it take to get over it? Does that affect the way they have relationships in the future?

People can definitely get over being raped or molested. Although the experience becomes part of their personal history, they can definitely heal from it and go on to have normal, healthy sexual relationships. In order to heal, however, the sooner the person gets help or counseling, the quicker they will heal. If a person is under 18, they may call CASARC (Child and Adolescent Sexual Abuse and Recovery Center) located at San Francisco Rape Treatment Center. The number is on the green resource sheet we gave you. 415-206-8386. They offer counseling and medical services. The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is an excellent resource. You can get it at the public library.

(3/6/02) My ex (who was my ex at the time) got me drunk and had sex with me. I didn't say "no." I wanted to make him happy, so I didn't say anything. When I sobered up, I was upset because I wished it had never happened, and I wished I had said "no." Is that rape?

It sounds like it was not legally rape because you were sober enough to decide to go along with it. However, it sounds like a very bad situation that your ex-partner should take responsibility for. He needs to know that what he did was manipulative and selfish and wrong. Just because behavior may not meet the legal definition of a crime does not make it all right. Please do not blame yourself for what happened; however, in the future, be careful that you do not drink beyond your capacity. For some people any amount of alcohol is dangerous.

(3/6/02) Is it true that sometimes you don't know whether someone is abusive because they don't show any bad signs? They pretend to be nice so they can get you to marry him or her for your money. Then, once you marry, the person shows you his or her real side and beats you and abuses you, but you can't do anything about it because you want to protect your family, friends, and reputation.

This can happen. This is why we would like you to study the yellow sheet called "Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality." Abusive people can be very charming and manipulative and hold back on directly abusive behavior for a long time. But you usually will see signs that should caution you. They will often get upset if things don't go their way, if they don't get to make all of the decisions. Although they may be very flattery and supportive in some ways, there are other signs to look out for. If you marry that person and find out her or she is abusive, there ARE ways out. Look at the blue sheet called "How to Help a Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship." Consider reading the book You Can Be Free by Ginny NiCarthy.

(3/6/02) I think prostitutes should not get raped or abused, but when a girl is having sex with multiple people and getting paid for it, she doesn't have a choice about who she does it with. For example, when you have a job and are told something by your boss, you really don't have a choice to say "yes" or "no" to your assignment. It's not really your choice. So when you are a prostitute you have multiple bosses. And there are so many options for people to choose from, why pick something with such dangerous consequences? So when they get raped, I'm not saying it's good because, believe me, it's not, but they know the consequences, so I believe someone should not use such bad judgment.

We can't go into all the reasons why people choose to be prostitutes. Sometimes they don't have many other choices. Sometimes drug addiction keeps them trapped. But the people who pay them for sex are their customers, not their bosses, and you do not have to allow a customer or a boss to rape or beat you. You always have a right to say "no." If you are on another job, and a customer or a boss wants to hurt you, you have a right to say "no." A prostitute who says no to rape or battery is not refusing a work assignment; he or she is saying "no" to abuse.

(3/6/02) How can I go about giving advice to a friend who is getting manipulated by an ex-boyfriend who is the father of her child? The girl and guy had a three-year long relationship, and she claims not to love him. But she makes ALL sacrifices to help him in any predicament. It seems she is vulnerable to his every need.

Manipulation is a form of abusive behavior. We recommend following the information on the blue hand-out we gave you called "How to Help a Friend in a Battering Relationship." If you can't find it, or need another one, just come to Cloud 402 and pick up another packet. Remember that your friend is probably feeling afraid and perhaps isolated. You can be of great support by listening and being available, but also remember that your friend is the one who needs to find the answers. It's important that you don't try to solve the problem or make the important decisions. A person who is being abused and manipulated has lost control and power and needs to regain it.

(4/3/02) I know somebody who got molested as a child. How can I help him? He is acting really weird and strange?

If you are afraid your friend may be of danger to himself or someone else, it's best for you to contact a counselor for advice. Since you're a student here, you may call the Student Health Center at 239-3110. If your friend seems to be suicidal, call Suicide Prevention at 765-6999. You might recommend a book for your friend called The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. We have copies of it in the Women's Resource Center in Smith Hall 103-104 (Monday-Friday, 9 a.m. to 2 p.m.). He can also join a support group at the San Francisco Rape Treatment Center. The number is 206-3222. If he is a student, he may go to our Student Health Center on campus. All of these numbers and other resources are on our green resource sheet. Come up to Cloud 402 if you would like an extra packet for your friend.

(4/3/02) I have a friend who has gotten in a relationship with someone she has known for a short amount of time. I no longer hang out with her as much, but whenever I do hang out with her, I see them getting into an argument. My friend calls her boyfriend names. What can I do to help her?

When two people argue and one is clearly abusive, the abusive person needs to get help. However, it's sometimes hard for a third person to know what goes on behind closed doors. The person who is non-abusive in public may be abusive verbally or physically in private. It would be best to go out with your friend alone to try to find out what the truth is. If you discover she is being hurt in the relationship and is responding with abuse, you can suggest she gets help at WOMAN, Inc. If she is the primary abuser, WOMAN, Inc. may also be able to help her. The number there is 864-4722. Again, it's on our green resource sheet, and we have plenty of copies of it at Cloud 402.

(4/3/02) Why is it that all of the resources after being attacked are for women and the resources for men are only for attackers? Having been attacked and a man, I couldn't find anywhere to get help. Please include places to get help for men who are attacked.

If a man is raped, he may use the services of San Francisco Women against Rape and San Francisco Rape Treatment Center. If he is a gay man battered by another man, he can get help at Community United against Violence (777-5500). All of this information is on the green resource sheet. Unfortunately, there are no specific resources for straight men who are attacked by women. It will take men like yourself to establish these resources. That's what battered women had to do. You have a very valid point, and we hope that this problem is solved in the coming years.

(4/3/02) Could it be that victims stay in an abusive relationship because they don't know when is the right time to leave the relationship or how much abuse they can take before they leave?

You have pointed out a real problem. Often, after the first violent or verbally abusive episode, the abused person thinks it won't happen again, and if the abuser promises that it won't, the abused stays. When the abused finally realizes that the abuse will not stop, she or he is trapped for the other reasons we listed such as money, children, low self-esteem, etc. This is why it's so important to leave at the first sign of abuse, or, better yet, avoid a relationship with someone who exhibits the signs of an abusive personality no matter how charming that person might be.

(4/3/02) What is the definition of rape? Just penetration or what else?

Rape consists of forced vaginal or anal penetration or forced oral copulation. Forced means without consent or without ability to give consent.

(4/3/02) What is emotional or verbal abuse? If someone is hurt by something you said or did, is it abuse even if you didn't mean to hurt that person?

Verbal or emotional abuse consists of name calling, insults, humiliation, withdrawal of affection and/or attention for punishment, withdrawal of support. Sometimes we tell someone a truth that has the effect of hurting their feelings, but we did not intend to do so, and we were as careful as we could be in our honest feedback about a problem. Generally, that would not constitute abuse. You might consider a one unit class called Assertive Behavior, Psychology 15. You learn how to give constructive feedback in order to minimize the hurt another person might experience.

(4/3/02) How many chances does the abuser get until he/she is thrown in jail?

There is no one answer to this question. No one is put in jail for verbal abuse, and verbal abuse can be extremely damaging. Whether or not someone goes to jail for physical abuse depends on the severity of the abuse, the judge, and the jury. Frankly, at Project SURVIVE we believe that in certain instances an 18-month program of weekly two-hour sessions can do more to reform a batterer than a jail sentence can. Of course, if the batterer remains a physical danger, he or she should be locked up.

(4/4/02) What is the percentage rate of abusers who are actually able to change through programs for batterers?

Unfortunately, these programs are still so new that we do not have good statistics yet to answer this question. In informal conversations with MOVE, Men Overcoming Violence, we hear good reports for those who stay the course of the program. The evidence, however, is only anecdotal at this point. But remember the programs that work are 12-18 months long, for two-hour weekly sessions. We have little faith in six to eight week programs, and six to eight hour programs are a cruel joke.

(4/4/02) What if your boyfriend asks you to have sex, and you refuse, but in a sort of joking way, he makes you feel bad for rejecting him. So later, it makes you feel bad and therefore give in. Is there any way to deal with that? Is it his way of getting you to have sex by making you feel guilty?

You have described a situation where one partner, in this instance, your boyfriend, is manipulating the other partner into having sex with him. This is not a healthy situation. It is not a good practice to get sex from someone by making that person feel guilty, although the situation you describe is not legally rape. If you have more than a few instances like this, however, the health of the relationship will deteriorate. You need to think about sexual compatibility. If one person always wants sex more than the other, the two people MAY have different sex drives. If they love each other, they could work it out, or they may decide to part. On the other hand, sometimes the problem is not with differing libidos. Instead, it may be that one partner is angry about having to do a disproportionate amount of housework, for example, or is disappointed in the other partner's insensitive lovemaking, for another example, and so no longer wants as much sex as he or she might otherwise. As you can see, good communication about daily life and lovemaking will contribute to a healthier relationship.

(4/4/02) In relation to the cycle of violence, is the batterer aware he is doing harm?

This is a complicated question. We believe that subconsciously the batterer may realize he or she is doing harm: however, generally, the batterer is in a deep state of denial and does not believe their actions are harmful or unjustified. Instead, the batterer spends a great deal of energy in blaming the victim. Even during the honeymoon stage, if there is one, the batterer will often apologize and then add that the batterer would cease if the victim would just change his or her behavior.

(4/9/02) What do you do if both people in the relationship are sometimes abusive; sometimes one is afraid of the other and sometimes vice versa?

First, both partners need help to build self-esteem, which reduces abusive behavior. Individual therapy is useful. Secondly, although you say that each partner experiences fear, it's possible that one person's fear level is much higher. The other way to determine who is the primary abuser and who is the secondary abuser is to find out which of the two partners is more willing to admit responsibility. Usually the secondary abuser feels badly about the abuse, and the primary abuser blames the secondary abuser for the problem. As we always say, if there is abuse in the relationship, we do not recommend couples counseling. Project SURVIVE has a reading packet for therapists who need to understand these issues, and potential clients may also benefit from this reading. Just call us with your address, and we'll mail you the packet.

(4/10/02) Is there a statistic on the percentage of male rapes versus female rapes?

Among children the estimate is that one out of four girls is sexually abused by the age of 18 (this includes but is not limited to actual rape), and that one out of five or six boys experiences sexual abuse by age 18. In terms of statistics on rape for the adult population, the estimate is that 10 to 15% of adult victims are men; however, we believe that men are still not comfortable admitting they have been raped, so the actual percentage may be higher.

(4/10/02) What percentage is there of women abusers?

If you are talking about domestic violence, right now in the adult population, according to Bureau of Justice and American Medical Association statistics, over 90% of the abusers are men; however, there may be men who are being abused by women who will not admit it. If they go to a hospital emergency room, they may say they got into a fight with a man in a bar. Finally, more often if a man is abused in a relationship, the perpetrator is another man. Remember that the much higher percentage of male abusers is due to power imbalances not to innate violence among men.

(4/10/02) How do women rape men?

Women can rape men anally with a foreign object. Also, a man may maintain an erection out of fear. It is rare for a woman to rape a man; however, it can happen. A woman may manipulate a man into having sex he doesn't want, but it's not legally rape.

(4/11/02) So in terms of being violated, is oral or manual stimulation to genital areas considered rape? If so, how would the courts see a case of that degree?

By the California Penal Code, the following acts constitute rape: forced vaginal or anal penetration by a penis, foreign object, finger or hand; or forced oral copulation. Other forced sex acts would not be classified as rape but could fall under the category of sexual battery. The sentences for a rape conviction vary from three to eight years in the state of California.

(4/18/02) Why isn't there a men's resource center? We need a center.

First, men are welcome to use the resources of the Women's Resource Center. The women there would be happy to explain the organizing campaign used to establish the Women's Resource Center if you are interested in trying to set up a men's resource center.

(4/23/02) Where can I get my girlfriend to get one of those birth control shots with no charge?

Call or visit the Student Health Center. They should be able to answer your question. They are located in the bungalow between the Creative Arts Building and the Arts Extension Building. The phone number is 239-3110. Many health activists, however, do not recommend the birth control shot, known as Deprovera. Consider reading about it in the book Our Bodies Ourselves.

(5/2/02) What is the percentage of rape cases that involve drugs or alcohol?

Alcohol is the most common drug associated with rape. Over half of all residential campus rapes involve the use of alcohol. There are also drugs, known as "date rape" drugs: Rohypnol (roofies), GHB. and Ketamine. They can be slipped into a drink and cause a sleepy, relaxed state that can include blackouts.

(5/8/02) If a person was drunk or both of them were intoxicated with alcohol and they were just going with the flow, so no one asked was it okay to have sex or not, is it still considered rape?

If one person is so drunk that he or she is unable to consent to sex and the other person persists, it is rape. It is impossible for the other person to commit an act of rape or anything else if that person is equally intoxicated. However, if anyone is sober enough, even if somewhat intoxicated and has sex with another person AND the other person is UNABLE to give consent, the first person could be charged with rape. If two people are somewhat intoxicated and neither says no and neither fears for his or her life, going with the flow is okay, as long as they practice safe sex. But remember if you purposefully give your partner alcohol so that they will have sex with you, you are manipulating that person. Although it may not be legally rape, it is not a good practice.

(5/15/02) If both parties are inebrieated at the same BLC and one party partially wants to commit the act, which party is held responsible?

The question is a little confusing, although we think that our answer to the previous question may get to what you are asking. Remember if one partner is SO inebrieated that he or she cannot give consent, it would be impossible for an equally inebrieated partner to commit a rape.

(5/15/02) Why is rape so common?

We think there are several reasons for rape. First, there is a political system that promotes a top down organization of power which allows people on top to injure and exploit people on the bottom. Next, there is a social system of gender roles that encourages men to be violent and women to be passive. (Luckily, there are men and women who resist those aspects of social roles.) Finally, our individual psyches react when they are hurt. If we are healthy, we find ways to mend our wounds and deal with disappointment without hurting others. If we have been injured and never repaired the damage, we may take out our pain on other innocent people. So you can see it's a complex problem. But as we begin to analyze it, we can also find strategies for ending rape. Education, of course, is a big part of that solution.