Question: Isn't jealousy a part of the relationship? A little jealousy is normal, but excessive jealousy or over-possessive behavior indicates insecurity, which may lead to abuse. If your partner gets upset when you talk to other people, that kind of jealous behavior may lead to isolation from friends and family which makes you vulnerable. Question: If someone in the relationship keeps things to herself (not of the relationship but family wise), can the tension build up and explode? This is a difficult question to answer without having a dialogue with you, but we'll give it a try. If we're understanding your question correctly, you are wondering whether tension will build and lead to an explosion if someone keeps family issues to herself without discussing them with her partner. Whenever anyone keeps troubling issues secret, problems may develop. But it's important to recognize that some people are more private than others and talking about problems is hard for them. They may find other means of releasing tension without exploding. Generally, however, we would agree with the implication of your question that it is advisable to discuss family issues with your partner. (10/6/00) Question: Most of the pressure and stress is like the Stacy story in the role play (Stacy wants to have sex with Kris, but Kris just wants to be friends). It is more like the daily hassle rather than a serious problem, but that may lead to violence. How can a person prevent this? What's interesting about your question is that you acknowledge how seemingly minor daily hassles can lead to violence, which makes us believe that minor daily hassles are not so minor after all. Prevention involves a number of different actions: Practice saying no in daily situations that don't involve sex, because if you can learn to set boundaries in non-sexual situations, it will be easier to draw them in sexual situations. A friend asks you to go to a movie that you're not interested in, but you don't want to hurt his or her feelings. Your boss gives you more work than you can do within your paid time, and you don't get overtime for staying late. Your sister asks you to babysit on the night before a big exam, and your nephew doesn't go to bed until 10 p.m., preventing you from studying. Take a class that will increase your boundary setting and self-protection skills. Psychology 15: Assertive Behavior. It is a 1 unit course that will help you learn how to set your own boundaries and not violate other people's boundaries. WOMN 9483 Issues of Concern to Women: It is a non-credit self-defense class taught by Janet Gee. She will start a new series of Saturday morning classes on March 3. Watch for the flyer. (10/20/00) I had been in a serious relationship with a guy for over a year before he began exhibiting violent behavior The violence began with arm-twisting and hair pulling, then progressed to more dangerous forms of violence, including verbal threats. This happenened years ago, and I did eventually get out of the relationship by moving to a different state. What would you say to young women who already have a serious emotional and/or economic investment before they realize the boyfriend is violent? How do they find the strength to get out of that relationship? It is not easy to leave a relationship once there is a serious emotional and/or economic investment in it. The best advice we have is to remind the person that leaving is a process and may take some time. If she/he cannot get out right away and is afraid about potential physical danger, she/he needs to set up a safety plan, which involves rehearsing what to do if the partner becomes violent. It's important to put important papers in a hiding place, to have some money in an account that is inaccessible to the batterer, and to have a list of safe places, such as shelters and friends, to go to in an emergency. In the meantime, the person can use a book such as Getting Free by Ginny Nicarthy (on our reading list on the blue sheet) which can help the person figure out how to surmount the emotional and/or economic obstacles to leaving. Patience and self-love are extremely important qualities to maintain while one is going through the sometimes long and involved process of getting out of an unhealthy relationship. Each step is important and deserves recognition. Self-blame and negative thoughts will only stall the process. (10/20/00) A healthy relationship is supposed to have equality and acceptance of both person's likes and dislikes. What can be done if those likes and dislikes clash so badly they lead to constant fighting? When likes and dislikes are so different that they lead to constant fighting, it would seem that there is a serious problem with compatibility in the relationship. Probably the best solution would be to end the relationship. If, however, there are other good qualities shared by the couple, the two people might want to seek guidance for strategies that would enable them to compromise. (11/1/00) My boyfriend and I were in bed and I put my hands down his pants, and he said "no." If I would've insisted and he'd given in and we had intercourse but he really did it because I wanted to but he didn't, is that rape? If he said "no," but then decided to go along with it AND he was not too drunk to resist AND he's over 18 AND he did not fear for his life if he did not give in, it would not be legally rape, but it could be seen as manipulation and will not lead to a healthy sexual relationship. On the other hand, if his giving in happened because he became turned on and consciously decided he wanted to have sex, it might be okay. Basically, it's always best to stop when your partner says no and get permission to continue. (12/8/00) Is verbal abuse part of an abusive relationship? Yes, even if there is never any physical violence, only verbal abuse’ļyelling, name-calling, humiliating speech’ļthis qualifies as an abusive relationship. Some people think this kind of abuse is even tougher to stop because for some people it is less clear that it is wrong. Of course, it is wrong and should stop. (12/8/00) Why is sex part of a healthy relationship? In our healthy relationship brainstorm, we always include "good sex" as a component because we define "good sex" as consensual; in other words, both people want it. If only one person wants it and the couple has sex, this would not constitute a healthy relationship. Good sex must also satisfy both people, and it must be practiced safely as well. (12/8/00) Where is a good place to get individual therapy, not necessarily about rape? Can you get financial assistance for therapy? A good place to start for City College students is at the Student Health Center. Call Lori Wong at 239-3148 for an appointment. Students receive six free sessions, and then you can receive referrals for low-cost therapy. Financial assistance is available, if you are a victim of a crime, through the Victim Witness Assistance Program of the District Attorney's office: 553-9044. (2/15/01) Why do men love to manipulate and use girls to get one thing? Luckily, not all men like to manipulate and use girls. However, they have to overcome social conditioning which allows men to disrespect and exploit women, just as white people are allowed to do the same to people of color. In order to end this negative behavior which constitutes sexism and racism, we will have to make serious political and economic changes. Consider enrolling in The Politics of Sexual Violence ’ļ- IDST 54 ’ļ- offered every fall semester. We try to answer these larger questions. You will also learn how to be a peer educator. Finally, remember that we do not believe men are bad or evil. They have just been allowed a certain amount of power, and when any one of us has power, we must work hard not to abuse it. (2/15/01) Question: Is there really such a thing as safe sex? Actually, there is not such a thing as safe sex. There is what we call SAFER sex. In other words, if a condom is used with proper lubrication, both partners will be close to 100% protected from the HIV virus and STD's. It's a good idea to visit the Project SAFE/SURVIVE peer activities office in Cloud Hall 405 to get proper instruction on safer sex. (2/15/01) Question: How can a woman rape a man because a man has to have a hard on in order to perform? A man can get an erection out of fear. Also, a woman could anally rape a man with an instrument. (2/9/01) Question: I get concerned when men have sex with women who are asleep, and they don't know this until they wake up with cum in their mouth. A judge said this is not legal. If anyone comes to court about this, will the man be put in jail? What you have described is definitely rape because the woman has not consented to sex; however, her case would be much stronger if she goes to a rape treatment center such as the facility at SF General Hospital where physical evidence can be collected. Then, a jury would have to believe that she was asleep when the act occurred in order for them to send the man to jail. (2/9/01) Question: If you are verbally abused and it leads you to hitting your partner (male) as one way of explaining you are hurt emotionally because he does not listen to how you feel anymore, and the guy hits you back and says you provoked him, is he considered abusive? Did I provoke him to hurt me? This is a complicated question. Verbal abuse is not okay and can be extremely damaging to a person's self-esteem; however, it's not okay to hit someone in return. Likewise, it's not okay to hit someone back if they hit you unless you are protecting yourself in self-defense. Often the physical damage a man can do to a woman is far worse than the damage she can do to him. You are not responsible for your partner hitting you unless he feared for his life. It's much better for you to respond to the initial verbal abuse with assertive behavior. We recommend Psychology 15, Assertive Behavior to help you. (3/13/01) Question: What is the current statistic on how many abusers continue to abuse, even after seeking therapy? Unfortunately, we don't have good statistics on this issue yet. Men Overcoming Violence has anecdotal evidence that batterers who complete their year-long program are less likely to continue battering than batterers who go to jail and receive no therapy. It's entirely possible, however, that a batterer may no longer physically abuse his/her partner but still verbally abuse him/her, and no one gets arrested for verbal abuse. Nonetheless, many of us in the anti-violence community have a great amount of faith in the worth of these programs in the long-term. Of course, we should spend most of our efforts in prevention work. Men Overcoming Violence has a youth program that focuses on men who have shown signs of violence in their families. That's where the real change can take place. (3/13/01) Question: Are there any counseling programs for children and teens while the parents (abuser/victim) are both receiving counseling? If so, what are they? There is a program at City College of San Francisco, several other community colleges, and San Francisco State University called Safe Start which trains people to do early childhood violence intervention and counseling. Call 338-3332 for more information. (3/13/01) Question: Is it definite that an individual will have emotional problems if they've never sought help after being sexually abused. Most likely, people will experience conflict if they have never sought help after being sexually abused. You need to know, however, that there are many ways to receive help that range from formal therapy to the patient listening of a good friend. Good self-help books can also facilitate the healing process. For child sexual abuse The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass is helpful, and for adult rape Rethinking Rape by Linda LeDray is good. (3/13/01) Question: If my boyfriend wants to have sex and I don't feel like it so I say no, but I notice that he gets quiet and he doesn't talk to me any more so then I propose sex so he doesn't get angry at me, does that mean that my self-esteem is low and that I am weak or afraid? By withdrawing from you, your boyfriend is manipulating you and participating in a form of emotional abuse, especially if he becomes angry with you if you don't have sex with him. Your complying with his wishes does not mean you are weak, but if you continue to operate in this manner, your self-esteem will start to deteriorate. Sex is only good if both people want it. Sometimes people are not compatible in their sexual needs, and it's best if they part. Other times, one partner does not feel satisfied after sex and so wants it less and less. The couple should then talk about how both partners can be satisfied. Still other times, a person may not want sex because of stress and fatigue. The solution there is to try to find ways to reduce stress and get enough rest. Sometimes in a long-term relationship one partner has sex to please the other because they know the other partner will reciprocate in a similar situation, but this shouldn't be an ongoing practice. Generally, speaking, no one should have sex unless he or she wants to. (4/3/01) How many years do you have to press charges if you have been raped? Technically, the statute of limitations has been extended to 10 years, but without corroboration (physical evidence collected at the time of the assault; other witnesses), admission of the defendant, or other victims with similar assaults by the defendant, it is not likely the case will move forward. You may report a rape to the San Francisco Rape Treatment Center and have physical evidence collected (or not) and not report it to the police. In this way your report could be used in a future case. (4/3/01) What are the main psychological reasons people become abusers or rapists? This is a complex question. We have attached a hand-out that your teacher may decide to duplicate. (4/5/01) What is an S/M relationship? "S/M" refers to sadomasochism and in this context refers specifically to consensual sadomasochism. In a consensual sadomasochistic relationship partners play with and explore power dynamics and sensations of both pleasure and pain. It is important to note that in these interactions there is always negotiation between participants, and there is a "safe word" that either partner can say to stop the activity or interaction. (4/5/01) Please explain the fact that rape is not caused by uncontrollable sex drives. When a child is molested, the adult already has control, so I don't believe it is about power. An adult who molests a child or rapes another adult feels insecure even though he or she might not admit it. Having power and control does not mean a person feels secure. The person may have lots of money, prestige, and even power over many people, but, somewhere inside, he or she has not healed a wound and so has to contend with a great deal of insecurity and possibly self-hatred. In fact, the more power a person has and the less secure he or she feels, the more damage that person can do. (4/5/01) I've been in a totally unhealthy relationship. He was violent (not sexually) most of the time. I was beaten a couple of times, etc., but I got sexually addicted to him. How can I overcome this? When you've been beaten and abused, your self-esteeem is injured, so you need to build it back. Counseling is the best way to do this. Call WOMAN, Inc (their number is on the green resource sheet) for support groups you can join to repair your self-esteem. Individual counseling may also help. As a student at City College, you are entitled to six to ten free counseling sessions. You may also want to borrow some of the books we listed on the blue sheet ¬„How to Help a Friend in a Battering Relationship.¬¾ Good luck. (4/17/01) How can one file for rape without letting the accused rapist know who filed against him? If you report a rape to the police, you must give your name; however, you may also report it to the San Francisco Rape Treatment Center and decide not to report to the police. The rapist will not know your name. In this way your report can be used in the future if this person is accused of rape again by someone who has reported it to the police. (4/17/01) How do you know if it's emotional or mental abuse? Sometimes that isn't as clear as physical abuse. You're absolutely right, and the abuser is usually very good at convincing his or her victim that there's nothing wrong. Abusive behavior includes name-calling and degrading or insulting comments. Sometimes it takes the form of constant criticism. It may include withholding of approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment. Abusers often humiliate their victims both in private and public. They refuse to share work or money. They make threats that they will hurt you. They tell you about other affairs or harass you about affairs they imagine you are having. They also might manipulate you with lies or contradictions. (4/17/01) Why do some women who have done bad deeds keep it from their current boyfriends at the beginning and then bring these subjects later? For example, the woman has a child but doesn't tell the person she is with until he really falls for her? Why doesn't she mention it earlier? First, we want to say that having a child is not a bad deed, but some people see a woman with a child or children as less desirable as a dating partner. It's a shame that this is so, and it keeps women from being honest about this important fact in their lives. Second, you might examine your own judgment of a woman in this situation. If you see having a child, perhaps out of wedlock, as a bad deed, then people will be reluctant to be honest about this aspect of their past with you. (4/17/01) Do you get a lawyer if something like this happens to you? How much will they help you to put them in jail? If you are talking about rape, and you decide to report it to the police, you do not have to get a lawyer. The district attorney's office will prosecute the case for you. The rapist will have to get an attorney or use a public defender. Unfortunately, prosecuting attorneys don't have a great track record for taking acquaintance rapists to trial. They are more likely to prosecute stranger rapes. Hopefully, the education that Project SURVIVE and other organizations do will start to change people's attitudes. Juries will be better educated on the subject of date rape, and then prosecuting attorneys will believe they have a better chance of putting acquaintance rapists in jail. (4/20/01) What do you mean when you talked about a child being mean to animals? Please explain. When a child is mean to animals, the child probably is being bullied or hurt by someone in his or her life. The bully might be an older child at school, an older sibling, or a neighbor. It would be a good idea to talk to the child who is hurting the animal. Children who are happy are generally kind and loving toward animals and younger, smaller children. If you would like to talk more about this, call Leslie at 239-3899. (4/23/01) Just wondering what your feelings are about statutory rape? We think the new laws are good (see attachment) because they recognize teen-age sexuality so that if there is less than three years difference in age between the two partners and one is under 18, the older person would only be charged with a misdemeanor. However, there are predatory males in their mid to late 20s who manipulate teens 15 and 16 years old into having sex with them. We believe they should be charged with felonies. The age and power difference is too great. (4/23/01) What rights does a woman have who has consented to safe sex and then is deceived by removal of the condom and undesired impregnation occurs. There is a section of the penal code that identifies a situation where the victim was ¬„not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant of the essentail characteristics of the act due to the perpetrator's fraud in fact¬¾ as rape. The circumstance you describe might fall into that category. You would have to talk to the district attorney's office about this. Call Susan Eto at 553-9530. She is the managing attorney in the sexual assault unit. (4/26/01) What are some ways to confront/stop someone from talking you? Please ask for our packet on stalking. California passed the nation's first stalking law in 1990. Every state now has a stalking statute. Each time California's stalking law has been amended, it has gotten stronger. So you may report the stalking to the police and have the person arrested. Stalking victims can also obtain a confidential address through the SAFE AT HOME program; the information is in our packet. (4/26/01) If all my girlfriend wants to do is argue, what should I do? The reason I won't break up with her is because I love her too much. You might want to consider counseling. As a City College student you are entitled to 6-10 free sessions at Student Health. We recommend Lori Wong. Call her at 239-3148. You need to tell your girlfriend that you love her very much, but that you do not want to argue all the time because it is not healthy. Recommend that she also receive counseling. If she is not a City College student, Lori Wong can recommend a low-cost counselor for her to see. At a certain point, we hope that you will realize that you love YOURSELF too much to stay with someone who only wants to argue. Hopefully, however, she will get help, and her need to argue will disappear. If it doesn't, you need to consider ending the relationship. (4/26/01) If you play around with your partner, like hitting each other, and he hits you back, is that part of battery? Or may it grow to be in the future? This is a difficult question to answer because only you can determine how much of this is play and how much is potentially dangerous. Unless you are involved in S/M play where the partners negotiate very carefully the terms and the limits of the play, the activity you describe could turn in to battery. Please call Project SURVIVE if you would like more information. (239-3899) (5/3/01) When do you know you're being molested? If you have not given permission for sexual activity of any kind, and the other person continues, the activity may fall into the category of sexual battery, sexual molestation (a term usually used when the victim is a child) or rape. (5/4/01) If the man says no, and the woman continues, is that rape? Yes it is. If anyone does not stop when a partner says no, that person is committing rape. (5/4/01) How can you prevent being raped when first you want to have sex and then you change your mind? When you change your mind and decide not to have sex, say no as firmly as you can. Fight back if your partner does not listen to you. But always remember that if the other person rapes you, it is NOT your fault. There is only so much you can do to prevent rape. Even if you don't say no firmly and you decide not to fight back, it is STILL not your fault. (5/9/01) Is there any information about men being abused in relationships? There is a good amount of information now about men being abused by other men in relationships, and Project SURVIVE can put you in touch with several sources. There is not much information right now, however, about men being abused by women in relationships. There are two reasons for this. First, often when a woman is abusive toward a man, her abuse is secondary to the abuse she receives from him. Second, when the woman is the primary abuser, the male victim is reluctant to come forward because of all the reasons any victim is reluctant to speak up AND for the additional reason that he feels as a man in our culture he is not supposed to be a victim. We need to address these problems. No one deserved to be abused or battered in a relationship. (5/10/01) If someone is disturbed with sexual words or behavior (i.e., sexual harassment), what should he or she do? This is a tough question because the answer involves knowledge of the situation where the sexual harassment is taking place. If it's happening in the workplace or at the college it follows under Title VII and Title IX respectively of federal civil rights legislation. At City College we have sexual harassment advisors who will give you a list of options. The first option is to tell the harasser, through a conversation and/or in a letter, that you want the behavior to stop. If that doesn't work or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, you can go to the teacher or,if it is a teacher who is doing it, to the department chair, or the Affirmative Action office. It's best to start with the sexual harassment advisor. The Project SURVIVE office can supply you with a list of their names. On the other hand, if the harassment is coming from someone in a personal situation, such as a date or a party, again